I'll drink to that! Fill me up too! - seriously speaking, thanks for sharing that this is a trigger for you as well. It makes it ezier to know I'm not alone in that. Big thanx to yu guys for takin the time to write back. I'm gonna prolly read ur posts again tomorrow as we continue w/ this saga.. Bezras Hashem it will end well.

L'Chaim!

lchayim

BOT,
hope things work out ok. i'll be prayin' and swayin' for ya'

Actually it is thankfully looking a little better. The sitch that's irking me has somewhat remained, but there seems to be a good light at the end of the tunnel. The secondary problem, of having this rav who I respect looking down at me I think is also looking better. I called him up yesterday and explained a little better my personal reasons for what I was doing and he said he understood and mentiojned that he didn't think I was intending to do harm for no reason.... So that is settling for me now. You know it is one thing to feel u need to battle and do wats right regardless of what others say, but when those others are figures of authority that you respect, it makes it a lot more confusing.

Great to hear you are doing better.

KOMT!!!!!!!

Gevura!

As for me myself personally, I found that I often get into a good fight to side with the good and to protect the opressed only to realize it was my ga'ava acting out. One of my hachlotois after coming to terms with my addiction was to stay away from any kind of altercation in shul or anywhere else (didn't work so well on the forum here  ).
One of the reasons for staying out of machlokes was that if I as much as perceived that I am being looked down upon, my immediate reaction would be to act out to prove to myself I AM STILL THE MAN!
Yuch!
Good luck in your struggle, BOT!

Thanks. Although this is slightly different as I am personally involved that is sound reasoning and a good lesson in there for me that I need to learn as well.I get very stubborn when I am ignited in a machlokes and I have little control over myself. I really need to work on that as it brings out such a negative side of me.  Thanks for sharing.

do you know who I am
I am big, hefty, dignified, clever, strong, deserving, rich, succesfull, quality, classy person
and who are YOU, small, thin, degraded, stupid, weak, punished, poor, failured, non quality, begger of a person
this is how the y"h makes me think when i want to start a fight

Sounds like yer yh and mine rehearse together.

Day 200 with much thanks to Hashem and my recovery buddies who have xontributed in so many ways to my beginning to live sober and live a solution as opposed to 'restraining' myself forever. .

Ps- to be more accuarate: today is 200 of not having m*, and about day 45 with no seeking or gazing at p*. Funny thing I noticed that so far, with p* out of the environment, thoughts of lust in general are polaguing me a lot less. Like seeing women in the street that are immodestly clad or triggering for some reason is less troubling thogh of course still reains s/t that needs work,

wheeww.... tough times these days. its a lonely time of month. feeling a bit on the edge. maybe on the edge man can help me out...

hey BOT,
it's good seein' ya' around
let's go monstah' trucking

Thanks zem. My karma needed a dose of monstuh trukin this morn. Well... I must nbe honest- yesterday I searched google images, not for porn, but for a widely known world record that is kind of pushing it toward the risque end. Images of this record which in itself is not p* came up, but one picture that was surely p* was also there. I had to be honest about that.

I'm trying to figure out how to be honest w/ myself in regards to situations like that. That is the first sip- the one that has usually led me to a lot of wasted time and acting out....I don't want to go back to that life.need some gas for the truck....