Thanks for the mareh makom as well oi had a lookthrough the thread too. Good stuff.

Howdy gye world and a guten 5772. May this be a year filled with one day of sobriety at a time.

I actually had some down times over yomtov. I had a less 'intense' davening which I think I have heard a lot of guys feel. But on the other hand, since (although I know I have a lot of work to do to grow more) I was less preoccupied with my own burning guilt over mast* (which I have at times done right up to the night b4 rosh hashana) I was able to think more about other things in life.... Like HEALTH and for my children and wife as well for their health and education success, etc...

I guess I'd take this over the intensity of an addicts yomtov any day.

Though I was a bit perplexed as on RH we want to tell Hashem that we will be 'good' all year. All I was thinking about was I'll be good one day at a time.... That sortof confused me, but I just couldn't bring myself to 'promise'. Nit because I don't want to, but because of the pain I have experienced in the past of swearing off and then falling flat on my face and doing what my addiction wants me to do agaon. 

Bh day 160 is here

WOW

make a l'chayim / salut! :D

חזק ואמץ

BOT, u iz da man!

truck
on keeping

Thank you fellas. May we all see good recovery together for many years and gow to be old sober addicts.

Back on Track wrote on 04 Oct 2011 23:01:

LIKE!

Owwww. I haven't seen p* snce before rosh hashana. And I relly really want to. I'm trying to hold back. Heading to mincha now to ask Hashem to pleasssssse help me...

He will help you. Also, you can hold out for just one day longer and look at porn tomorrow, can't you?

I wasn't as honest as I should have been in last post. I think I looked @ porn on erev rh morning. So when I say I haven't looked @ p* since rh, you shouldn't be fooled (as I was trying to hint) that it was any longer than that. I'm sober since then.

Ok got that off my chest. OM, thanks for the reply and you are right. I can live w/out p* today. Tomorrow is another day. I actually made a neder that if I look at p* before succos, I'm not allowing myself a cigarrete for 2 months. Its a pretty even battle so far between my two addictions.... I hope the smokes win. I know that's not a great game plan but for now its what I got. Its actually pretty tough now bc we are in that time of month that relations are not permitted. Its these days that I dread...

If I could offer you advice, mine would be to keep your mind occupied with something else. Don't think how much you want it, dont think how much you hate it. Anytime this thought comes up, just say to yourself (you actually have to verbalize it): ok, next subject. It's like flipping channels. Learning mishna b'al peh is of great use for mental channel flipping. But you have to actually move on to another subject, not keep thinking in the back of your mind: "Arba ovois nezikin....I am really strung out.....loy harey hashor.....I could really use some p* now.....chayov lishaleim b'meitav hooretz....I hate it when she's niddah..."
Just don't stress it, flip the channel.
When I was a boy, Di Snyder (from Scorpions?) published a book for teenage boys called something like the Survival Guide for Puberty or something. So there he gives advice if you are called up to the front of the class, but you have an er8ction: just think about baseball, start naming the players, or going over the scores. Since I didn't play baseball, I would envision being kicked in the ....which I had some experience with, and that would take care of an inappropriate er8ction.
Good luck!

Thanks OM. Thinking about getting kicked in the... Is taking care of my inappropriate erection now. Amazing how potent that little thought can be. (Or shall I say impotent? )

I just spoke with my wife for a while. I didn't go into too many details but I explained I was having a struggle now with wanting to look at p* and opened up to her. She was supportive. I sed, that I realized this was very difficult for her to hear, and that being able to air the challenge I felt helped me . I spoke that I was looking to her becuse I needed to be able to level with this and keep it from isolating me from her. I feel really strange now- good, confused, open, scared, relieved.... Kind of overcharged with a lo of feelings.

Hi BOT!

It can be a really scary thing to do, and I'm sure it took a lot of guts. I know the mishmash of feelings, when I first told my wife I was totally out of it for days afterwards, relieved that it was finally out in the open, scared for the future, confused about what to do next, depressed at finally admitting what I had done to myself, hopeful that things would work out....

Even now, when I have a bad day and I tell her about it, I still get that mixed up feeling of being happy that I can tell her and that she's willing to listen and support, and sad that I have to put her through this.

Hang in there, in the long run things will be so much better for both of you.

Keep on Monstuh' Truckin'!!!!!!!

Gevura!