If you can't read this, you're illiterate.

Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way.

Engagement is talking about having children. Marriage is talking about getting away from children.

tzaddikvikam13 wrote on 17 Jan 2025 14:56:

This was good. Reminds me of an old classic:

I bought the world's worst thesaurus the other day. It was awful and . . . awful! 

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees
about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed
the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's
whisper, "Hello?"
Feeling a bit put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a
youngster, the boss asked, "Is your daddy home?"

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your mommy
there?"

"Yes," came the answer.

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left
home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with
the person who should be there watching over the child.

"Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the
boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he is busy," whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.

"Talking to daddy and mommy and the fireman," came the whispered
answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a
helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked,
"What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team
just landed the hello-copper!"

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss
asked, "The search team?! Why are they there?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled
giggle, "They are looking for me!"

Goyim talk about girls and money.
We talk about shidduchim and parnassah.

DOCTOR: Do you exercise daily to keep healthy?
MAN: Yes doctor... I play football and tennis daily.
DOCTOR: Good! How long do you play?
MAN: I play till my phone's battery dies.

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard at low pay for long hours. The blacksmith immediately began his instructions to the lad, "When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer." The apprentice did just as he told.
Now the village is looking for a new blacksmith.

A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with OnceUpon A Time?"And he replied, "No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with 'If Elected I promise...'"

WIFE: Honey, what are you looking for?
HUSBAND: Nothing.
WIFE: Nothing?
You have been reading our marriage certificate for an hour!
HUSBAND: I was just looking for the expiration date.

I went to the police station to certify my document. On arrival, I met one of the policemen reading the bible, specifically Genesis, I was so impressed so I asked him, "Officer, who killed Abel, Adam's son?" He raised his head, looked at my face with dismay and said, "I don't know, ask Sgt Asare, he is in charge of murder cases."

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00am for an early morning business flight to Johannesburg. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5.00am." The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed... it said... "It is 5.00am; wake up!"

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed you gave me a diamond necklace for Valentine's Day. What do you think it means?" "You??ll know tonight," he said.
That evening the husband came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled, "The Meaning of Dreams."

My Uncle and his wife moved into a new neighbourhood. The next morning while eating breakfast, his wife saw her new neighbour through the window hanging clothes outside. "Those clothes are not clean!" she said. "This woman doesn't know how to wash clothes clean. It might even be that she needs a better washing soap." My uncle looked on, but remained silent. Every time the neighbour would hang clothes to dry, my uncle's wife would make the same comments. One month later, my uncle's wife was surprised to see through the window, nice clean washed clothes on the rope outside and said to her husband, "Look, she has learnt how to wash clothes clean. I wonder who taught her!" My uncle replied, "I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows."

One afternoon, a policeman pulled over a car and the following conversion took place...
POLICEMAN: Driver, I pulled you over to give you a $5,000 reward for obeying the road rules, what are you going to do with it?
DRIVER: Sir, I'm gonna buy a driver's licence.
The side-passenger quickly says, "Sir, don't listen to him, he talks nonsense when he's drunk." And just when the Policeman is about to reply, the passenger in the back-seat says, "I told you guys we won't go far in this stolen car!" And just as the policeman's face is about to turn red, the guy in the trunk says, "Did we cross the border yet?"