97.  Let go and let G-d.

Here's a quote from the Big Book (pp 60-62), which I think is appropriate here:

====================================
Most people try to live by self-propulsion. Each person is like an actor who
wants to run the whole show: is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet,
the scenery and the rest of the players in his own way. If his arrangements
would only stay put, if only people would do as he wishes, the show would be
great. Everybody, including himself, would be pleased. Life would be wonderful.
In trying to make these arrangements our actor may sometimes be quite
virtuous. He may be kind, considerate, patient, generous; even modest and
self-sacrificing. On the other hand, he may be mean, egotistical, selfish and
dishonest. But, as with most humans, he is more likely to have varied traits.

What usually happens? The show doesn’t come off very well. He begins to
think life doesn’t treat him right. He decides to exert himself some more. He
becomes, on the next occasion, still more demanding or gracious, as the case
may be. Still the play does not suit him. Admitting he may be somewhat at fault,
he is sure that other people are more to blame. He becomes angry, indignant,
self-pitying. What is his basic trouble? Is he not really a self-seeker even when
trying to be kind? Is he not a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction
and happiness out of this world if he only manages well?...

...This is the how and why of it. First of all we had to quit playing God.  It didn’t work.
Next, we decided that hereafter in this drama of life, God was going to be our Director.
He is the Principal, we are His agent.  He is the Father, and we are His children.  Most good ideas are simple and this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we
passed to freedom.

====================================

--Elyah

98.  First things first.

How often do I sit down to work at the computer, and then I say, "first I've got to check my E-mail."  Then, there's a link to something interesting, or some article that interests me alot.  An hour or 2 goes by, now I don't have any time to work anymore.

So, as an addict, I feel especially bad about that.  Then I am more likely to act out.

It's often not a question about what to DO, but rather what to do FIRST.  If I work FIRST, I'll get around to checking the E-mail.  If I check the E-mail first, I won't necessarily get around to working.

Lately I have been reading the book "the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People".  I have read it before, but didn't put it so much into practice.  Now I am also trying to put it into practice; I think this is only possible because I have matured a bit through recovery.  I am able to face life and be responsible.

One topic this book discusses (as I remember from last time):

There are activities that are urgent and some that are not urgent.  There are some that are important, and some that are not important.  With these 2 variables, we end up with:

Urgent, not important.  Time wasting.  Checking the E-mail (FEEL so important--have to do it NOW!)
Urgent, important.  Rushing someone to the hospital so they don't die of a heart attack.
Not urgent, not important.  Don't remember--perhaps this includes activities such as discussing your opinion of the current political climate.
Not urgent, important.  This includes such activities as planning out your week, examining how you are spending your time, brainstorming ideas for getting unstuck in life.

The items in the 4th category (Not urgent, important), are the ones that can make a huge impact in our lives.  Yet, we usually don't spend much time on them, because they are not urgent.

I have been trying to spend more time on such activities, and I feel like a lot more options and possibilities in life are opening up to me.

Being mature and responsible is part of recovery.

--Elyah

99.  Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today.

Here is a reading commonly used at meetings:

==========================================
ACCEPTANCE

And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today.  When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation--some fact of my life--unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until  accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.  Nothing, absolutely nothing heppns in G-d's world by mistake.  Until I could accept my illness, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy.  I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.  (AA p.417).
======================================

I have also found this quote to be helpful:  "We stopped fighting everything and every one.  We have to."  (AA. end of chap 7)

--Elyah

Eye.nonymous wrote on 29 Feb 2012 06:54:

Does this mean we're almost finished? 

TehillimZugger wrote on 29 Feb 2012 16:40:


You must have missed this one:
www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=4870.msg133543#msg133543

TehillimZugger wrote on 29 Feb 2012 16:40:

If we are... you'd have to ACCEPT it - right? ;D.

true.

...We've actually still got quite a while to go.  I think there's about another 50 of these.

It is time for another summary, but if I do that right now I won't manage to write the next tool, and I'd rather do that:

THINGS TO REMEMBER
100.  The pain and the loss.

Remember, acting out only lasts for a second.  Then it leaves you with a lot of pain.  Try to remember how bad you feel afterwards--BEFOREHAND.

Think of what you've lost as a result of acting out.  For me, I see the biggest loss is that I have been disconnected from reality and from other human beings.  My emotional and social development was frozen since as far back as I can remember.  Realize--here's another urge to act out--do you want to escape further into this sickness, or snap out of it and grow up and have a real life with real people and real realtionships and real fullfillment?

I don't think this sort of thinking helps so much when you're in the full grips of a lust attack (though anything is worth a try).  But, pull out these thoughts when you start to get that feeling that you're starting to go in the wrong direction.  It can help then.

Also, share on the forum, share in meetings, and share on phone calls to program buddies.  The more you talk about these things, the more it helps you get in touch with them and remember them.  I think for normal people they say the furthest distance is the distance between the head and the heart; and for addicts the distance is even greater.  In recovery, we can finally start to connect our heads to our hearts.  We start to feel out emotions, and we start to feel more comfortable about expressing them.

--Elyah

101. My addict never sleeps.

...and the moment I'm weak, it wakes up.  This is one reason why it's so important to make sure you're doing something every day for recovery.  Which reminds me...

Sometimes I have used a particular tool of recovery, or worked specifically on a particular step of the program, and despite that, I didn't seem to get any better (or I even kept sliding further downhill).  So, if that happens, I have to ask myself:

1.  Am I really working this step properly?  For example, I have found that taking inventory of my fears and resentments but failing to share it with another human being, or even sharing my fears and resentments with other people but without taking a written inventory first, often doesn't help me enough.  A spoken inventory doesn't do the job.  But when I write out my fears and resentments and then follow through and share it with another person, it is very helpful.

2.  Am I working on the right step or with the right tool?  Perhaps another tool, or step, would be more helpful or more appropriate at this moment.  I find myself sometimes working on my inventory of fears and resentments and sharing them with other people (steps 4 and 5) to no avail--because what is really wrong now is that I have neglected steps 1-3.  I have forgotten that I am powerless, that my life has become unmanagable (my self-will won't work), that my Higher Power can restore me to my sanity (and without Him, I won't return to sanity), and then I have to turn my will and my live over to His care.

I also have a tendency to focus more on the problem than on the solution, which isn't healthy.  Live in the solution, not in the problem.

--Elyah

are we really stuck with this
f o r    t h e    r e s t    o f    o u r    l i v e s  ?  ?  ?  ?  ?  ?


grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

TehillimZugger wrote on 02 Mar 2012 11:37:


YOU MEAN, H", YOUVE GIVEN ME THE REST OF MY LIFE TO WORK ON MY MIDDOS AND ACHIEVE DEVEIKUS??
YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

TehillimZugger wrote on 02 Mar 2012 11:37:


Our lusting, remember, is not the problem--it's the solution.  We have learned ineffective ways of dealing with life and with people (total self-reliance, ego, and escapism).  The result--pain.  Then, we seek our drug of choice to kill the pain and make us feel better.

I think, what a good recovery program does, is get us to be mature and responsible and deal with life in a healthy way.  Then we find satisfaction and serenity in life, no matter what happens.

Yes, that is something a person ought to do his whole life.

--Elyah

102.  My addict lies.

We lie to ourselves.

One aspect of this is that, since we are sick, we have lost our sense of good and bad, right and wrong.  We stare at women and we think it is helping us, making us feel better, helping us cope with life.  In truth, it is really destroying our lives.

Sometimes when I'm trying to delve down to the source of my addictive behaviors, I think to myself, "But I ENJOY this--why!"  Then, I have to remind myself, "I only enjoy it because I'm SICK."

Also, it is important in recovery to notice the similarities between fellow addicts, and to overlook the differences.  The addict side of us likes to do the opposite--notice the similarities when it will serve to feed our addiction, and to also focus on the differences (no matter how small) to absolve us of recovery work.  "I'm different than him--he went to prostitutes but I only looked at porn (or vice versa), so this recovery plan won't work for me."

Another thing we do is totally disregard feedback we hear from other people.  We may talk to people at length about all the things we are angry about, and they'll say, "You really should work on this anger," and we'll say back, "No, I just think I've been eating too much junk food lately.  If I work on my diet I'm sure I'll feel better.  That will make the lust go away." We are inclined to think that WE have a BETTER plan!

--Elyah

103.  I am not smarter than my addict.

He's cunning and baffling, and experienced.  I'm not as smart; I need to keep tabs on the way I'm thinking.

I think, what this means, is we have to be extremely skeptical of our thinking, and especially be on the look-out for rationalization and justifications.  It's easy for us to get confused between a good reason and a good rationalization, because our addict self is always trying to trick us.

A more blatent phenomenon, though no less frequent and no less troubling, is that feeling we get when we know we are making up an excuse, but we think we've got a good excuse when really it's a lousy one.

Here's a good rule of thumb:  If you would describe your motives for any particular action, and to do requires at least four words, then you are probably rationalizing.  Also, if it takes less than four words, you are also probably rationalizing.

Also, if you are thinking about doing something, and you feel a burning urgency about it, you are probably being motivated by your addict.

--Elyah

Eye.nonymous wrote on 05 Mar 2012 15:02:


alternatively, the YH has the same access to our "smarts" as we do.  so, it really is an equal battle.  Perhaps this is why 1 small good deed can tip the scales...