This morning I posted that I would learn 2 hours and report whether I was successful. I learned for about an hour and a half and went okay but not great. I was having a hard time getting in to it. I had to give my wife a ride, so I stopped to check if anyone posted on my thread thinking that I still need to learn half an hour. When I opened up to the thread, I came across these words. "Crush it!" I thought to myself, I definitely did not crush it, a base hit at best. But those words spurred me to try to push myself. I got home and pushed for another hour. Did I crush it? No. But it was perhaps a double.

Later on in the day, someone made a Hachnosas Sefer Torah. (Don't ask me why someone does that on the Erev Shabbos before Pesach). When they were singing and dancing Achas Sho'alti, I got emotional and really connected with the words. I'm not an emotional guy, but the combination of pushing myself beyond what I normally would, and dancing in front of the Torah was truly an amazing experience. Thank you chooseurname for being the Shaliach to make it happen.

Sun. morning. I find that for me, the only way to keep the YH at bay during Bein Hazmanim is with a solid Seder. Posting my goals daily, then reporting my progress has helped push me doing what I have to do. The goal today is 3 hours before 12 noon. Will try to post later.

Have us in mind....the poor unfortunates whose wives decide to get the flu at the absolute worst timing of the year

Yeshayahu 41:6 wrote on 21 Apr 2024 14:30:

Not to be rude or anything like that, Heaven Forfend, but firstly this belongs in The Grouchery like all valid kvetches. And secondly, all of your wives got the flu at the same time?!?! MAN IS THAT CRAZY!!

BH was able to complete the Seder.

Thanks amevakesh for the daily updates! What a chizzuk it is to hear about fellow strugglers pulling off a 3 hour seder b4 12 during bein hazmanim. As you mentioned earlier, bein hazmanim with no structure can be so much tougher. Personally for me, I had always used bein hazmanim as my "catch up" time. All the times throughout the zman that I just didn't have enough time to get really envolved were pushed off for bh"z.

Keep posting - even just reading your plan and then your report back is a tremendous chizzuk!
Thanks!!!

Gonna try for an hour now.

BH able to squeeze it in.

My version of מה נשתנה this year:

מה נשתנה השנה הזה מכל השנים - In what way is this year different then all the other years?

שבכל השנים - All of the other years, I would go into Pesach consuming poisonous חמץ that the YH fed me, together with מצה,
השנה הזה כולו מצה - This year I’m going into Pesach only with מצה.

שבכל השנים - All of the other years, during  בדיקת חמץ, it was such a drag - hard work not high on my list of things I enjoy doing,
השנה הזה - This year when I checked for the חמץ, I did so with a sense of purpose - I’m getting rid of the חמץ in my heart and enjoying every minute of it.

שבכל השנים - All the other years, I would beg and plead with Hashem to please give me what I thought I needed - not having my תפילות answered was a source of great frustration for me,
השנה הזה - I realize that my unique situation in life is truly only for my benefit. Had he answered me the way I wanted, it would be like the kid that begged for a candy and received it (sexual gratification), but didn’t get the steak (true love).

שבכל השנים - All the other years, I had conflicting emotions toward my dear wife. On the one hand, I did love her, on the other, I felt that she was at fault for not taking care of my needs, this led to a lot of resentment on my part, which I’m sure she felt,
השנה הזה - I look at my dear wife as the most precious thing I have, my heart is overflowing with love toward her and I now see her for the special person she is.

How did this change occur?

עבד הייתי - I was a slave (at times) to my lust, this clouded my vision and I couldn’t  see things the way they really are.

ויוציאני ה' משם - And ה' took me out of the grip of lust and replaced it with love, to begin living life with real שמחה and חירות.

ביד חזקה ובזרוע נטויה - With the strong and outstretched arms of all the holy people of GYE that first gave me a paradigm shifts, then helped be מחזק me as my perspective changed, and continue to be source of חיזוק by being there as friends.

ואפי' הייתי חכם ונבון - Even if I would be smart and understanding, I realize that couldn’t have done it on my own.

וכל המרבה לספר - The more I internalize that I always need to be on guard against the YH, by realizing the contrast of my life before and after,
 הרי זה משובח - The better my chances are not to go back to my old ways!!!

Thank you to all those that helped me (and continue to help me) in my ongoing journey. This year I go in to Pesach will a light heart full with joy and looking forward to the Seder like never before.

A Chag Kosher V'Sameiach to all!

Amazing!

Just read your magnificent post, friend. 

Keep inspiring us! 
Next stop, the ocean splits, individual pathways open up, and we can clearly see and point and say “Zeh Keili!” 

So let it be. 

מאן דבעי חיים 

Looking back at Bein Hazmanim.
In a way, this has been the best Bein Hazmanim in my life. There have been times that I've learnt more. There have been times that I've had a better break in order to come back more refreshed to the Zman. There was even a Be"Haz that I guarded my eyes more carefully (This past Sukkos), but still I feel that this Bein Hazmanim was special.
About nine months ago, I decided enough is enough. Time to get on to the phone and call HHM. That gave me an initial boost which lasted for a few months. Months of Aliya where I didn't really feel a desire to do anything inappropriate. This helped me cruise through the Yamim Noraim and Sukkos Be"Haz. Knowing that this stage wouldn't last forever, I reached out to a few others to give me Chizuk when I needed it most. There's nothing like opening up to someone that can really relate to what you're going through, and I will forever be grateful to those that gave their precious time, advice, empathy and most of a listening ear when I needed it. This carried me through the long winter Zman and turned it in to my longest clean stretch. 
At the beginning of this current Be"Haz though, I began experiencing the all too familiar feelings of Blahness that used to hit me at the beginning of every Be"Haz. In the past, this is when I would fall most, for a few days, until I'd feel so disgusted with myself, get a hold of myself and bumble my way through the rest of Be"Haz. This time I said no way I'm giving up the streak I'm on. At some point during this month, when I was going through a Nisayon, I repeated to my self many time over the number I was up to 265, 265, 265 over and over again until the urge and emptiness subsided.
Ultimately I realized that the only thing that's gonna work for me is if I put in a solid Seder of learning every day. To make sure that I would keep to it, I began posting for a few days, until I felt that I was over the hump and in a good place.
What can I say, what began as a potential disaster turned in to an extended streak. Perhaps Sukkos I was still riding the initial wave of purity that began nine months ago, but this Pesach I realized that I can, and with Hashem's help, will be successful, even when the inspiration isn't as strong. We're still going strong and have no plans of slowing down. Hashem should give us all the strength grit and determination to continue to fight the fight, despite any challenges that may arise.

So, last Fri afternoon, during my Erev Shabbos errands, I walk into the local grocery store to pick up some last minute items, and there she was. One of Hashem's truly magnificent creations. My knee jerk reaction was to look away, and I avoided taking a second look. The YH was whispering in my ear all sorts of reasons to go for it again. It's not every day you get such a chance... she's dressed Tzniusdik... etc. I had a few opportunities to take a second look and was successful, until the last second. The whole episode took less then 20 seconds. So for about 19 out of 20 seconds, I was okay. Then the YH couldn't let me close it out. I felt like gave up no hitter in the ninth inning. I guess a shutout ain't too bad. But because of that second look, she was in my head rent free for the better part of a day. I feel that if a person manages to successful in not taking a second look, there's a special Siyatta Deshmaya that he gets that the first sight won't harm him, it's the second look that allows her to creep into your mind. Oh! well, another reminder that I'm alive and human, still have to contend with Tayva. Can't let it get me down, I tried.

Did you apologize to her for objectifying her?

I really don't understand. What in my post makes you think that I did? BH I am a healthy human male, that has  regular Tayvos. Does the fact that I noticed a pretty woman, tried to control myself, not perfectly, but I really did try and I think for the most part was successful, then tried my best to be מסיח דעת from her, qualify as objectification?