My version of מה נשתנה this year:
מה נשתנה השנה הזה מכל השנים - In what way is this year different then all the other years?
שבכל השנים - All of the other years, I would go into Pesach consuming poisonous חמץ that the YH fed me, together with מצה,
השנה הזה כולו מצה - This year I’m going into Pesach only with מצה.
שבכל השנים - All of the other years, during בדיקת חמץ, it was such a drag - hard work not high on my list of things I enjoy doing,
השנה הזה - This year when I checked for the חמץ, I did so with a sense of purpose - I’m getting rid of the חמץ in my heart and enjoying every minute of it.
שבכל השנים - All the other years, I would beg and plead with Hashem to please give me what I thought I needed - not having my תפילות answered was a source of great frustration for me,
השנה הזה - I realize that my unique situation in life is truly only for my benefit. Had he answered me the way I wanted, it would be like the kid that begged for a candy and received it (sexual gratification), but didn’t get the steak (true love).
שבכל השנים - All the other years, I had conflicting emotions toward my dear wife. On the one hand, I did love her, on the other, I felt that she was at fault for not taking care of my needs, this led to a lot of resentment on my part, which I’m sure she felt,
השנה הזה - I look at my dear wife as the most precious thing I have, my heart is overflowing with love toward her and I now see her for the special person she is.
How did this change occur?
עבד הייתי - I was a slave (at times) to my lust, this clouded my vision and I couldn’t see things the way they really are.
ויוציאני ה' משם - And ה' took me out of the grip of lust and replaced it with love, to begin living life with real שמחה and חירות.
ביד חזקה ובזרוע נטויה - With the strong and outstretched arms of all the holy people of GYE that first gave me a paradigm shifts, then helped be מחזק me as my perspective changed, and continue to be source of חיזוק by being there as friends.
ואפי' הייתי חכם ונבון - Even if I would be smart and understanding, I realize that couldn’t have done it on my own.
וכל המרבה לספר - The more I internalize that I always need to be on guard against the YH, by realizing the contrast of my life before and after,
הרי זה משובח - The better my chances are not to go back to my old ways!!!
Thank you to all those that helped me (and continue to help me) in my ongoing journey. This year I go in to Pesach will a light heart full with joy and looking forward to the Seder like never before.
A Chag Kosher V'Sameiach to all!