mr. emunah wrote:


UMAIN

Mazel tov BB!

Mazel Tov BB!

Meron is a holy place.

200 days on the Chart. My record is 221. It's a lot easier to stay SA sober than to stay on the Chart.

Stop the silly counting ritual, you sweet goofball.

Just a suggestion. But a sincere one.

Like with a siyum on learning. For teenagers, the siyum IS the ikkar. But that's losing sight of the truth. The real ikkar is the simple day spent learning! That's the real beautiful thing, there.

Understand?

The the living right is what it is all about, not the #. Not perfect living right, but just the being. Avadeh there is no 'being' if we are not clean today. And avadeh the # of consecutive days is precious and ought to be appreciated!

But that's not what it is all about - and making a big deal about the counting makes it sound like that IS what it is all about. It's encouraging the missing of the point.

I hope you understand that I am not saying to stop counting completely and ignore it - all I am saying is that I just hope it is not an important ritual to you. Let a little wind out of it's sails - not all, mind you.

(...and here comes the counter arguments from our fellow black-and-white thinkers about how counting helps them stay clean, etc, etc...yeah I know it helps. But do you at least hear my point?)

Thank you, Dov. I was going to click on something questionable and I clicked on the Chart instead. It was a nice surprise to see a round number. I don't live to count days but it feels good to see big numbers. I don't count anyway, the Chart counts for me and a Twitter app counts my sobriety.

So glad it helps you!

But I keep meeting so many who say the same exact stuff like:

"I just blew my count, so - I masturbated three more times (if it's not counting to another count, why not?),"

or

"I finally got to the big 90 day mark - and I am so shocked that I fell right after! (hey, it's lonely at the top, no?)",

or

"Oy, I'm just at the beginning of another count...big deal, so I stay clean today and I'll be able to say "I've been clean for (a measly) two days! Or a WEEK!" - but there are guys clean for a month, a year, or ten years!"



So I get lots of chizzuk from my sobriety date! For it proves that I really do want this thing called life, and it demonstrates to me just what my G-d can do even for an addict like me. Absolutely amazing. But it does not define me and I hope I do not depend on it.

On this, Mishlei says "Leiv chochom l'ymeeno, v'leiv k'sil l'smolo" - and old vort on that is that a wise person - one who may not be wise, but values wisdom - wants to do well. So he does not care how he is 'evaluated', what his 'madreigo' is...puleez. All that stuff is G-d's issue, never ours - just childish yiddishkeit and ego, of course. Our issue is only to do. So the chochom is focused on being good and doing good today - right now, period. Not paying any mind to figuring out 'how good he is'. He smiles, knows he is lucky, and moves on. "One Day at a Time" means that right now is really what matters. So if he looks anywhere at all, it is to the right in his gemorah, at what dafim he already learned. He takes whatever he can get, for chizzuk - but he is not a prisoner to it!

If the chochom falls and sees a big zero behind him, it does not hurt him much. It's just a zero, not a negative. It's the past - over and done with, so it is not relevant. The future that starts right now - today - is what's relevant to him. That's maturity.

But a fool - the one who does not value wisdom for it's own sake - sees nothing but the left side of his gemorah: the pages he has yet to go...and he gives up. To him, it's all about him: "Is it gonna be uphill from here? Aye, then I am sooo far behind!" He feels he is 'a realist'. Ha! Mishlei calls him a k'sil - just a fool.

Now, my Lust has made a great fool out of me for years, masturbating and wasting my life over my complex lying and deep faking, my schmutz, my worshipping the pretty ladies, etc. And my own back-yard was empty, to me!

A real fool.

It's time to turn the tables and become willing to use my foolishness in my favor!

That's why there are many times I agree to be 'a fool' about certain negative thoughts, cuz it makes it easier to stay right. Better an ignoramus toward my own stupid negative thinking, than a real fool by chasing my lust again.

I am dead serious about this.

Sorry about the megillah again....

Dov wrote:

I think we have enough megillahs to trade in for a Sefer Torah!

Keep em comin!

gibbor120 wrote:


That would indeed be appropriate. Because they are precious, heilig, and provide nourishment for the soul!

HI BB,
Mazel Tov on your achievements. I am a little guy at the bottom of the ladder and you cannot imagine how much chizzuk I derive from seeing your progress. I know Dov is not into the Chart thing but I surf the Wall of Honour just to see what so many brave people have accomplished so that I can get the confidence to try myself. I know you were once at Day 5 just like me and now you are soaring.
I cry as I write this tears of hope and humility.
May the RBSO bentch you with sobriety and every good thing and especially yiddishe nachas from your children to enjoy with your wife with health and wealth until 120.

And now I want to thank Dov who I see frequents your blog. Ever since we spoke several months ago my life has changed and I read your comments daily. They have a real impact on me. I am always awed or maybe even discouraged that I could never achieve 14 years. It seems that I am a different even lesser person for whom 14 years is impossible. I would have loved to read Dov's chronicles from day 5 to see a roadmap that would show me that he struggled just like I do. I will work the steps and hopefully one day, I will have consistent sobriety as well.
May the RBSO pay you back for all the neshamos you have saved.
Thank you from the bottom of my broken heart!

Wow, thanks for the chizzuk, Pischoshelmachat! I promise you that I never guessed I'd ever look back at 16 years sober and growing. And by the same token I will be pleasantly surprised if i die a sober (and old) man. Thinking of a year or even another week of sobriety is poison for me. It makes me meshugah with fear and self-doubt, G-d doubt, and other wacky stuff like that. I feel it in my very bones when I fantasize about taking the luxury of thinking imagining the future. It's a luxury I simply can't afford, just like sweet lust-fantasies are. Just like raging is, just like sweet resentment, or reckless worrying, or feeling my body in a sexual way. Whether they are mutar or assur, they are all luxuries that normal people can handle but I can't. Nu.

...how did we get to all that?

Oh, wishing for the future, right.

Today is so kedai, believe me.



[And now back to the sponsor of this thread: BB!]

I have been on day 5 hundreds of times. Since I joined GYE, maybe 20 times. I also get chizzuk from the old timers on the Chart and, of course, from the one and only Dov.

I have just logged into the new and much improved 90 day chart. I have broken my old 221 day record and I am now at 227 days and in awe of Kedusha at 1550 days.