dov wrote on 27 Dec 2011 16:26:

;D

Funny, but I actually do not remember ever staying till the end of any of them! So I wouldn't know.

Now that's a crack-up.  How true!

If you get this message:User 'Shmiras נשמה המולבשת בגוף' has blocked your personal message. >
It is because he no longer has any Internet including email.

Thanks for explaining that, it is amazing how easily I can get a bit insulted or sad, like when a message like that would pop up in response to a PM to someone. Instead of realizing that it is just a 'form letter', the first place my heart would go is to assume that it was directed just at me!

Gevalt, He's not through with me yet...got a lot of work still to be done.

SARAH IS LEAVING THE COMPANY. NO MORE SARAH. NO MORE FASHION REPORTS.[/size]Only about 10 triggery women left to deal with.One day at a time.

Blind Beggar wrote on 30 Dec 2011 06:52:

what about traffic and weather?

the mavinim say that whenever a decision is made by the powers that be to eliminate a despotic dictator or terrorist, the question of who will succeed him needs to be accounted for. sometimes the original guy was a better option than his successor (somewhat like Mubarak).

I wish Sarah the very best and chas veshalom do not mean to compare her to any unsavory characters. but there are lots of women in the world and they aren't going away (thank G-d).

wishing you hatzlocha and harchavas hada'as in your current situation and that we all learn how to live and function today, with all the Sarah's and anyone else we may see as a trigger in our lives.

Blind Beggar wrote on 17 Dec 2011 17:09:


There is a very tznuah non-triggering girl sitting next to me and she is in great distress about something. I feel the tears almost coming out of my eyes and I was able to daven for her sincerely.
I am not such a monster after all.

No, you are not. And I daresay that your requirement for demanding sincerity is a bit weak. Funny. I have seen atheists become men who have a G-d - simply by following their sponsor's instructions to just "pray anyhow, even though you do not believe in G-d!".

But "oh, no, I've gotta be sincere..." - coming from a person who is accepting using women's images against their will to feed his sexual fantasies - that's OK?

Yeah, so one may say that,

1- "Wadayamean!? It's not against their will. If you saw how they dress you'd know that they want me to imaging them naked and use them!"

Then I simply ask you to speak to them and plainly tell any one of them that you are imagining her wearing no clothes and that you are fantasizing about her in bed with you....see how that goes.

That "they are asking for it" is a subtle and convenient lie we tell ourselves, plain and poshut. A lie. Yes, they are wrong for dressing that way - but their intention is not our way of interpreting it. The same excuse is common among religious fundamentalists the world over: "She asked to be raped by dressing that way". A lie. She did not really want it to go that far. Why is it so OK for us to have our cake and eat it too - yet when other people do things like that, we demand they pay the consequences and take away their right to play the game of acting naughty without being treated that way. It's like saying all mountain climbers (yes, it's an idiotic thing to do to risk one's life climbing mountains because they are there) deserve to die (just as idiotic). That is not what "damo beroishoi" means - and anyhow, that is only for the beis din shel ma'aloh, never for us to take action on. Theydon't want to die!

Just like we guys have wanted so many times to look at porn, or even to touch ourselves - but without actually spilling zera. And so many times we got to that point of no return with shock and disappointment: "Hey! I wanted to stop a second ago! Iv'e been cheated! Ayyy!" I have certainly been there many times.

C'mon. Why the double standard? If I can be a little dishonest for my lust escapades, then I feel it's OK for me to be a little dishonest for recovery. If you must, "L'olam y'hei odom orum byir'ah."

and when people say,

2- What? I don't "accept"my using women - I am fighting it in me tooth and nail!"

To that, I remember that when I habitually do something it proves that for all practical purposes, I condone it in my heart. That is what na'aseh lo k'heter means. Yes - morally, intellectually I may fight it within myself, cry, etc. But if I tend to do it, if I do desire it deeply, then it is part of me. Sorry. Not a good part of me...but I gotta face that and ask G-d to remove it, cuz I don't want it any more. And incidentally, when guys say, "I have asked Him to take it away so many times, and He hasn't!" It hurts to say it, but the truth plainly is that they are not really ready for Him to remove it. Or they are - and then they take back the luxury if playing (and fighting) with it. Yes, it is a luxury. A luxury that I cannot afford. But we all think we can play both sides of the fence at some point. Growing up is very, very hard...at least it is for me.

Hmm...Maybe people praying for me should be discouraged! After all, the unvarnished. whole truth about our lust problem - especially at our worst moments is - so ugly that maybe only the greatest tzaddikim could be sincere loving us - and praying for us? Hmmm...can they?

Yes, they can - and if they can't, then I beg them to read the first part of this email and pray for me and you, anyhow.

Maybe it is time we went a bit 'above' seichel sometimes, for our own recovery. But it is scary to let go of even that, no?

Just checking in to say hi.  Good Shabbos. 

I find that I do not really lust heavily after the women at work so much. Instead, there is a constant background commentary in my head which sounds like two immature teenaged boys walking through a crowded shopping mall in the summer, each one noticing something to comment on about every girl they see.

Does anyone relate to this?

I have a piece of paper in my wallet. It is well-worn and in front of my credit card so it is seen frequently.

It reads:

Hashem, please help me:

1) admit why and for exactly what purpose I am going wherever I am going before I go there,

2) to think periodically "am I staying true to me purpose now, in what I am doing?"

3) admit gratitude for having the opportunity to do whatever it is that I am busy with and ask You for Your help to do a decent job at it.

This is simple, relaxing, not intense at all - if it is, then it is just the same drivel I always used to strain myself with: trying to be frum or good enough to deserve His protection and care.

That doesn't work cuz, guess what I discovered?:

I will never, ever be deserving of His protection and care. Yup. Never. And I find it hard to believe that anyone I know can ever be good enough to deserve it - and probably never has, either. Thinking that I could, is just plain gayvoh, and docheik raglei Shechinah. We love to pretend we will deserve it a bit, if we only try hard enough or do just teshuvah well enough...but we always eventually fail. Then deep in out hearts we blame G-d Himself, though we turn it on us, of course. More pain, so eventually, more lusting! Especially for us perfectionistic (that is: prideful) addicts. All our lives we have abused yiddishkeit to make it turn us into resho'im in our own demanding eyes. And it was not frumkeit, nor yir'ash Shomayim all along - it was just gayvoh and immature expectation.

So I use my card and say the words. That way the teenage committee in my head eventually shuts up, cuz I am actually more busy doing what I am doing that doing what we all do best:  stray thinking.

A mentor advised me to keep my brain on a short leash, once. My sponsor and program buddies reminded me to stop thinking so much a hundred or so times, over the years. Now I do both those things, still. After a year or two of gentle work at this, we are shocked to discover we have changed a bit and really stray-think a lot less.

The relaxation is palpable. Life is much easier and more comfortable this way.

Someone asked the Kotzker (I think): "Rebbe, what should I be ready to give my life for?" He answered, "Whatever you are busy doing right now, this very minute."

No tricks, gimmicks, just repeated and unnatural work at proper focus. It is worth a year or two of 'work' to have a much better life. And the best part is we are working basically for ourselves, not another person!

Blind Beggar wrote on 09 Jan 2012 14:18:


Totally.  At one point I was so far gone that I would see a woman and say a number- that was how many seconds or minutes it would take for that woman to wreck my marriage.  I was at a point of full recognition of how perverted I had become, and had no ability to stop.

I'm not giving those numbers out anymore, most of the time.

amazing how you have come such a long way
wish you a full healthy recovery in every aspect of your life

Ten months clean by the definition of SA and half a year on the GYE Chart.
I've come a long way, boruch Hashem, but I need to be on guard constantly from the monster who objectifies every female and loves the pleasure of masturbation and never, ever gives up.

mazal tov on your long clean stretch

keep up the great work!!