It is very important to separate the concept of teshuva from the concept of breaking free from an addictive habit. Keep focusing on the positive and allow yourself a sense of accomplishment while you go through this journey. The concept of teshuva will come later. Right now you need to work on getting to a healthy place.

While we don’t stop pushing for more growth, every small step in the right direction should be celebrated.

Please read a book such as the battle of the generation every day until you develop this mindset.

Best wishes
Vehkam

Ben Hashem, thank you so much for the kind words. I realize that I really need to have an internet filter on my devices (I used to have, but it was extremely overly censorial, and I had managed to stay clean for a long time without it, so I convinced myself I didn't really need it. I acknowledge now that I just need to find a better one.) I have people IRL that I talk to, but not like a weekly check-in. I also have a therapist. I spoke to my Rav this afternoon about this, and his basic point was that this is something many (according to him - most) people my age struggle with, and that I shouldn't expect myself to just "get clean". B'Mechilat kvodo, this didn't make me feel much better. Could I ask you to elaborate on what you mean by "whatever tomorrow brings, you can always be today done for good"? It sound like something that could be meaningful, but I don't quite understand what you mean.

Vekham, thank you for your response, but I don't know how it could be separated. We must ask G-d to heal us from all illnesses, both physical and spiritual, and to recover from spiritual evil is teshuvah. Obviously I know that the self-destructive attitude is bad and unhelpful, and am thus working on changing that, that is not somehow divorced from the process of teshuvah. Ultimately, I am doing all of this, with all of the struggle that it entails, in order to draw closer to G-d.

Rav Pincus in his shiurim on Chanuka, talks about Hod (Glory).

The Greeks were so successful because they didn't fight for the spoils but rather for the glory of the fight/win (Olympics, Alexander the Great etc.)

The Chashmonaim countered the glory of the Greeks by their glory of standing up for the Ribono Shel Olam even when they were vastly vastly outnumbered. They knew there was no hope but they fought anyway (and they won!).

I wonder if from where you stand now the end-goal of "winning" seems unattainable but that doesn't mean you can't have glory. Take pride in the fight!

Vekham, thank you for your response, but I don't know how it could be separated. We must ask G-d to heal us from all illnesses, both physical and spiritual, and to recover from spiritual evil is teshuvah. Obviously I know that the self-destructive attitude is bad and unhelpful, and am thus working on changing that, that is not somehow divorced from the process of teshuvah. Ultimately, I am doing all of this, with all of the struggle that it entails, in order to draw closer to G-d.

End quote 


If one tries to do teshuva before getting themselves to a healthy place the teshuva may be very much guilt based which is often debilitating and counterproductive.  Many who have been successful in this struggle have stated that it is best to put off thinking about teshuva until you have some confidence in your continuing success.



 It is not unhealthy to consider your work on overcoming challenges as a part of a teshuva process but the goal at this point should not be teshuva.   The goal should be to get to a healthy place where you have the ability to make good choices and to feel good about that. 

sprather wrote on 05 Jun 2025 21:15:

Absolutely

Here is a post I wrote that elaborates a bit on how I think about it: https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/2-What-Works-for-Me/429380-Everlasting-Change-Vs-ODAAT#431258

Too much focus on tomorrow can skew the mindset to results only. What is needed today, and what Hashem expects from us in the moment, is appropriate action. If I do that, then the results that I am capable of will follow, and there is no need to worry about being clean forever tomorrow, because I'm already living it today.

vehkam wrote on 05 Jun 2025 23:25:

See Rabbeinu Yonah in his Yesod HaTeshuva (printed in the back of many editions of Mesillas Yesharim) who espouses this thinking.

Hello again. I am now back in the States, and already the struggle is a lot harder. I am at home, in a non-religious area. I do not have the normal structure of learning, and I am going to be at home for long stretches of time with ubfiltered devices. B"H, I am going to go to a Kollel in July, which should be great for me, but until then, I need to figure out a way of filling uo my schedule in ways that are productive. Obviously I am going to continue learning on my own, but other than that, are there any suggestions?

sprather wrote on 10 Jun 2025 14:14:

Shalom Brother,

Is your personal device filtered?
Is there a way to have the unfiltered devices at least locked so you don't have completely free access?
Can you set up some accountability for yourself regarding them, limiting their use to specific and necessary times (not at night), amounts (small increments only), and location (never alone or in a private space)? 
Speaking of accountability, maybe get in touch with some of the chevra here and build friendships with people you can stay in touch with on the daily? That could be a huge help if you need to navigate any pre/during/post challenging situations.

What do you plan to do with your free time? Make yourself a schedule and have a contingency in place for "emergencies". Learn, read, exercise, journal, music, chess, or whatever you can make work. If you are having a rough moment, try something that will help you reset and refocus (go to Shul, buy yourself a treat, do some pushups, listen to a meaningful song, talk to a friend, etc). 

What's on the agenda for today?

Hatzlacha and Kol Tov

Ben Hashem, I have been meaning to get a filter for my devices for a while (I'm not sure if I've posted about this before on here.) I had one a filter before, but it was so censorial as to make using the internet impossible. I realize that I really need to get a new one (maybe you could give a suggestion of one that blocks adult content, but otherwise leaves the internet intact.) Obviously being on a computer for too long is bad, even if you are using it for kosher purposes. I would love to be in contact with some of the guys here; it'll probably be easier now that I am in the States. I agree that I should make a firm schedule for the coming days; I have a lot of documents I need to get for next year, which should keep me busy. BS"D, I'll be busy between paperwork and learning. Thank you so much for the advice, and I hope to reach out to you in the coming days.

You did mention it

I'm not super familiar with filters. Currently I have MB Smart based on the TAG office's suggestion when I described how I use my phone. I blocked basically everything and then send them a request to unblock the few things I wanted access to. Different filters work for different people.

Several filters are pretty customizable, so you should be able to find one that suits your needs with a little research. I think there is a thread on GYE specifically for filter discussions.

I'd love to connect when you are ready. Kol Tov.

Hello everyone. I just wanted to check into the forum. I've been having a pretty hard go of things lately (as you can tell from "4 days clean"). B"H, right now, I think I'm on the up and up. I leave to kollel on Tuesday. I think that I can stay clean until then, and its going to be a lot easier with the structure of kollel, both in terms of filling up time, and in terms of getting rid of that feeling of restlessness and worthlessness. I don't really know why I'm writing right now. I guess I just want you all to pray for me. Pray that I am forgiven from all evil, and pray that I can continue to grow closer to HKB"H. Erev tov.

Others have written about this but I think it's important to cut yourself some slack and reframe the struggle. You're in a difficult environment and are fighting...that's amazing!

Maybe sometimes you fall, but I think in terms of those feelings of worthlessness it's important to see that you are on a path of aliya. You're dealing with your situation and are trying to move forward.

I wonder if some of the feelings of worthlessness stem from the black and white of what's written about this issur. And it's important to say that everything written is true. However, the kneitch is how we internalize that information. I haven't read the sefer Battle of the Generation but my understanding is that he helps with this perspective. And of course you can speak to our great Rebbe HHM.

Rooting for you and I apologize if I'm off-base.

Hello Chevra. It’s been a while, so I thought I would check in. I’m in kollel now, so things have been a lot better. I’ve been learning shtark, which is both good bichlal, and good inasmuch as it fills my time, and keeps me away from shtus. Unfortunately, in the past few days, I have fallen into some “yellow zone” behaviours, but I have kept myself from falling, and today, I have added more failsafes to keep me from going onto less-than-kosher sites. I feel very blessed to have GYE to support me. It’s been almost a year since I first signed up, and although I have yet to break free completely, I have gotten so much better over to course of the last year. It would have been impossible for me to imagine consistently going weeks clean a year ago. Thank you all! B’Hatzlachah!

I realise that I should probably respond. (Sorry for taking a month.) First, thank you so much for your advice and encouragement; it really helps me to get good etzah from the people on GYE. Second, I agree that I am much too hard on myself. My rabbeim have said it a lot, so have people in my family. I think that being hard on oneself is pretty common among people that struggle with this, but it is particularly true for me, and it is not any more true regarding this than regarding other aspects with your life. I really have been trying to work on developing a truer ahavas Hashem, and not just operating on yirah. (I would really appreciate practical advice from people on how to grow in ahavas Hashem.) With all of that being said, I do worry somewhat with what I see as an overly conciliar attitude. This stuff is asur, this stuff in evil, and that needs to be said clearly. It is true that we cannot operate purely by yiras Hashem, but we must still operate with an abundance of yirah.
I do not mean this as a strident criticism, merely as a critique, which may well be merely rhetorical. Thank you so much for your kind words, and for your support! Hatzlachah rabbah!