Just to be clear before I begin:

I’m not criticizing anyone personally, and certainly not the sincerity behind what was shared. I’m responding in general to the way certain ideas are often used in these conversations, sometimes with the best of intentions, but in ways that can unintentionally minimize pain. I’m sharing my own experience and reflections, not trying to argue.

I want to say something a little vulnerable. Honestly, I am very intellectually oriented, and my first instinct was always to give the “right” answer, the one that checks all the boxes. It’s taken me years, and I’m still learning, to understand that the deepest response to pain is not always explanation, but empathy. You’ll probably even see that matter of fact tone in some of my earlier posts.

Pain is real, and so is feeling for others. That, to me, is the depth of the Mishnah: “Al tenachem adam b’sha’ah shemeiso mutal lefanav.” There’s a time to listen, not explain.

Yes, and I understand that view. But sometimes, part of Hashem’s plan includes our outrage at injustice, and our compassion for those who were hurt. That is how His middos are expressed in this world.

Just to be clear, I’m not critiquing you personally or your belief, I’m responding more broadly to how these ideas are often used in ways that unintentionally silence pain. I really do appreciate that you’re engaging thoughtfully.

The Gemara tells us Hashem feels our pain with us. The Nefesh HaChaim adds: even more than we do. Hashem is the source of all reality. If he feels our pain it must be that pain, empathy and emotions are also emes. Objective reality is not the only thing that exists, subjective pain has its place on the landscape of truth.

We were put here to fix what’s broken, within ourselves and, when possible, in the world around us. That’s not a contradiction to bitachon, it’s part of our avodah.

It is not our job to sit silently on the sidelines while people are destroyed or hurt.

It is our privilege to bring clarity, truth, and light into the world, wherever and whenever we can.

I hear you. But to clarify, I wasn’t reacting from misunderstanding. Like R’ Yitzchok pointed out earlier, the message simply wasn’t relevant to my post. I wasn’t criticizing “the system,” I was pointing out when people misuse it.

If we refuse to acknowledge abuse or misuse and instead sugarcoat it under the banner of “the system,” then we unintentionally validate that behavior as part of Torah. And that’s dangerous.

There are many Torah concepts that people cling to in the form they first heard them, often as children, and never revisit. The Alter from Kelm, in his Piskei Baal HaBatim, already lamented this, people holding on to a cheder-level understanding of Ma’aseh Bereishis.

Sometimes what we heard wasn’t deep enough, or wasn’t even accurate. We repeat these phrases as if they’re sacred, but they’ve lost context and content.

True kavod haTorah means revisiting our ideas and letting them grow with us. That takes honesty. It takes asking:

    •    What does this actually mean to me?

    •    Where do I see it in my life?

    •    And, scariest of all, is there a part of me that struggles with it? And why?

That’s not weakness. That’s maturity. I hope to explore this particular concept more in a future post

SisonYishecha wrote on 09 Jun 2025 03:26:

What? You mean you can get a job and be a tzaddik?!? Phooey, you think moshe Rabbeinu and reb Chaim Katie sky would hold of such a person? Every second of toira is precious, he’s wasting his life! Ay ay yay yuy. Talking to the ribbona shel Olam you think you are on aza madreige? We would be lucky if we just feared the eternal fire of gehinom! Having a Kesher with the ribono shel olam is for bts and hippies. It’s fluff! Oh gevalt. Shoymu shomayim! I must petition from the gedolim to close this whole thread! Let’s see how many haskomos I can get to pasel them!

I had to get that out of my system sorry.

Just to be clear the above article is to be read with an eicha nigun….

All needs are valid.
There is no subjective reality as you taught us

No need to apologize 

Just to share with the Oilam, I learned by a  Rosh Yeshiva known to be from the greatest lamdanim of the generation and a close talmid of R Aaron. I went to a shmooz from him (I was married) before RH, and he said over from R Avigdor Miller that everyone should tell Hashem "I love you". He openly admitted that he never thought in those terms and felt very enlightened.

Just thought I'd share...

bright wrote on 09 Jun 2025 05:28:

Boy do I relate to this. Within myself, running to the correct "answer" and not giving the emotion the space to be, and only then gently responding at the right time.

I just want to be clear that this isn’t a criticism of rabbanim. The truth is, the rabbanim of our generation are incredible people. They give up so much of their own lives for the tzibbur. They care deeply, they work tirelessly, and they genuinely want to help.

Some of them have helped me tremendously. They’ve been there for me, and I’m deeply grateful for that.

The struggles we’re talking about are new. This is a new generation, with a new set of challenges, and naturally that brings confusion and growing pains. Every shift in generation comes with a process of trying to find the right balance.

I’ve been in touch with several rabbanim, and I truly believe many would be more than happy to be part of the solution. This isn’t about pointing fingers. It’s about coming together with achrayus and love to support every Yid in the best way we can.

I also want to take a moment to give a heartfelt shout-out to the incredible people at Guard Your Eyes. The moderators especially are truly amazing. Many of them have been through deep and difficult challenges, and they bring real-life experience, wisdom, and compassion to everything they do. They give up so much of themselves to help others, often behind the scenes with no recognition.

Someone mentioned the idea of having “daas Torah” moderate the platform, but honestly, I believe these moderators are the best form of daas Torah in many ways. They live what they give over, and their guidance comes with heart, humility, and real-world clarity. They’ve helped so many, myself included, and I’m endlessly grateful for them.

I don't know if I have ever, EVER, read something that strikes such a deep chord within me (and I generally try to avoid using strong terminology). You perfectly described a feeling I carried for so long (and, to a much lesser extent B"H, still feel sometimes), and all the while I thought was the only one who felt it.
Contextually, I've struggled with OCD and anxiety for almost a decade. To say that this made (and, again to a much lesser extent B"H, still makes) Yiddishkeit incredibly stressful at times (and, in even worse times, absolute misery and indescribably painful) would be putting it mildly. In 10th grade, I was literally unable to Daven Shacharis in the morning for fear of thinking inappropriate thoughts while Davening, and would sometimes rush out of Shiur an hour before Chatzos just to put Tefillin on so I could "feel like I'd at least done SOMETHING." The great irony was externally appearing to others to be a masmid, an illuy, albeit a weird out-of-the-box one who for some reason didn't show up at Shacharis multiple times a week and was somewhat socially off.
All the while, my self-esteem (what was left of it anyways) evaporated. I hated myself, and as embarrassed as I am to admit it, I hated "God" more. Why, WHY DID HE CREATE SOMEONE LIKE ME? WHY IS EVERYTHING I DO SO, SO HARD IF IT'S GOOD? WHY CAN'T THE PAIN JUST STOP? WHAT AM I DOING WRONG? WHEN WILL THIS END? Simultaneously, I destroyed myself on the inside. "You're a fraud, a hypocrite, a loser, a hopeless nebuch with no future or friends, a lonely socially off nut job doomed to failure and a pointless, painful existence. You're a pathetic, lazy loser, hated by all and convincing himself that he can really do it while he takes 25 minutes to get Maariv out of his mouth and then watches porn when everyone else is asleep. What a stupid, pathetic lowlife." A life of fear, anxiety, stress, self-hatred, depression and anger bubbling under the surface. There were times when I would stare out my bedroom window (on the 3rd floor) wondering what it would be like to just jump. Mental torture every waking second, 24/7.
Chasdei Hashem Yisbarach, today I am married to my wonderful, incredible Eishes Chayil, living a beautiful, productive life, with more מנוחת הנפש and ישוב הדעת than I ever thought possible. I really consider myself to be the most געבנשט person I know, and it stems from the realization and clarity that Hashem loves me, wants me more than anything, has given me everything I have, and every single ounce of pain, hurt, shame, filth and self-hatred I went through was in order to get me to where and who I am today, to help me grow, understand, empathize and become a better person, one who smiles when he sees himself in the mirror. I'm so fortunate, B"H.
Not that there aren't challenges. There are rough days where I still find Shacharis difficult. My self-esteem still gets damaged by mistakes (including past ones!) more easily than it should. I occasionally catch myself slipping back into a "people-pleaser" mindset, of saying the most accepted, pareve answer so that everyone will "just be happy", of going with the flow and the "norm" so as not to stand out, of worrying what others will think and say. And in this crazy, insane, delusional world we live in, which invariably has affected Klal Yisrael (as Golus always has), I encounter narrow-minded, shallow, callous, one-dimensional robots (interpret this as you will) more often than I'd like. Not a good feeling. It takes work not to feel hurt or second-class, to not second-guess myself, and to remind myself that Hashem loves me, wants me, and feels everything I'm feeling, and He's proud of me regardless of whoever I encounter. He knows just how hard I've worked and how much I've fought to get to where I am today. He loves me, and I love Him, forever and always.
If I could, I would frame your post and hang it on the dining room wall (not sure my wife would go for it though...). Beautifully and perfectly written. Thank you. Keep BRIGHTening (sorry, sorry, couldn't resist) up the world!
מודה אני לפניך ד' אלקי ואלקי אבותי על כל החסד אשר עשית עמדי ואשר אתה עתיד לעשות עמי

FWF, very inspiring post, thank you.
OCD is hell on earth, I have had it - though got it under control reletively quickly (Less than a year once I realized something is really wrong) although Iv'e suffered before and still have some mild aftershocks but BH, under control.
Anyone that goes through OCD and comes out managing is a survivor.
Anyone that grows like you is a hero. 
Keep on inspiring.
P.S. I often wish there would be an anonymous forum for OCD struggles in the frum community for itself and also because it can lead to all sorts of negetive behaviour, such as P and M.
FWF what do you think? 

For struggles with P&M due to OCD, why not open a thread here on GYE for those that are struggling?

yitzchokm wrote on 12 Jun 2025 15:49:

That's a good idea. I really mean a forum for the general pain of OCD. P & M is one of the terrible "side effects".
Its really a true lack, I suffered alot from the lack of such a forum and the support it engenders.

trueme wrote on 12 Jun 2025 18:20:

Go ahead and start it. I am sure many GYE members will be grateful. 

Honestly, I’ve tried starting mental health conversations in the past, but they haven’t taken off. Maybe you will have better luck...That said, I did reach out to the heads of GYE about making mental health challenges more of a focus, especially because, as you hinted, dealing with porn and masturbation from the perspective of someone who’s suffering often needs a different kind of response than what’s typically written or said. Or at least more tailored support.

They mentioned they were working on something, but I would encourage you to reach out to them as well. The more voices they hear it from, the more they’ll recognize the need. And they really are amazing people, warm, open to feedback, and genuinely trying to help, so there’s no reason to shter:)

This was posted 14 years ago. It was one of the first posts I saw when I joined, and it still brings tears to my eyes.


TheJester wrote on 03 Jun 2011 10:05: