I want to clarify some points.
I hope I did not make it seem too easy. Being that life is getting me down at this time, the struggle not to go read a porn story is real! I am consciously feeling the pull often as I sit here at work and look at the mountain of work in front of me and feel that it is insurmountable.
Also, lately my mind has been working on overdrive to dredge up old stories that I read, in full color. I have B”H been successful in moving on to think about something else, but I had one wet dream in the past few weeks. (not due to active thoughts though).

I believe the Yetzer Hara is working overtime to get me back on his side. A bit of a reminder that after all I am a male human being.
I remain here, trying to stay in the air.

Thank you to the great friends that reached out for some encouraging words after my depressing post on Sunday. Your words are warming me up and keeping me going.

And so, after doing some thinking from what I wrote the other day, here’s where I am.

Like I wrote, I decided that I need to focus on some good parts of life, not just the things that are getting me down. So last night when I came home from work super wiped and super stressed, I decided that I will attempt to not let it get me down. I asked my 2 younger boys if they would like to learn with me. They immediately jumped on the opportunity. The older one, only had a few minutes as he was going to learn with a friend soon.

I plopped on the couch and opened the Mishnayos with him and we learned great.

When he left, I learned with the next one.
You can only imagine the weird things I said as I learned Mishnayos Eruvin in my sleep……

After we were done, I promptly fell asleep on the couch for 15 minutes. But when I woke up, I concentrated on the fact that I just had a great time learning with my boys and they also enjoyed it!

Consequently, not everything is as hopeless as it seems.

Thank you all
And most of all Thank You Hashem!!!

So, I actually had a few good days, not because the doldrums of life went away. They continued to be doldrums. But the way I looked at them, was different.

Last week, after going through some more especially difficult situations, I got a call about a relative that is about to lose his source of Parnasa. I was just about moved to tears and felt his pain deeply.

Then on Shabbos morning as I was walking to shul it hit me (ouch!).

Although my situation is not so hunky-dory, there is so much to be thankful for. Even the parts that are difficult have so much good!
I began to look around and began to see that I have so much good all around me.

I had a fantastic davening that morning, I really felt the joy in the פסוקי דזמרה and in נשמת. I said מודים with a lot of כוונה that I usually have a hard time reaching.

Thank you הקב"ה for all of your חסדים! Your kindness is endless!!!!

About a year ago I joined GYE.

It was after a day that I was not in my regular office and I was in a private room. Not at the regular open cubicle that I am usually in.
Needless to say, I did not get that much work done that day. I read and read and read. On the long drive home I had prepared some shiurim on the גמרא that I was learning. It did not even go in to go out the other ear. That night I had a hard time falling asleep. My mind was in a whir.

I had heard about GYE some time before that, but had never really looked into it. It took a few days to get passed that fall to open an account and to
start to read the forums and start the Flight to Freedom program.

I am forever grateful that I did.

The main things that helped me are as follows.
1.    The realization that I am not alone.
2.    I am not a רשע.
3.    I am a normal person.

Once I was able to realize these points I was able to connect with the עולם here and grow together with them.

And here I am. One year clean!!!!!

A bit of reflection on where I am today.

No, I am not a מלאך so I still have some struggles. The things I saw and did still come around from time to time to haunt me. But when they do, I am able to recognize that this is a normal part of life and therefore not some sort of crazy desire of a total מושחית so I am able focus on other things and I am able to move on.

The joy of being clean for a year is immense!!!

As a side point, I can only imagine what would be if I would still be reading porn stories all day. A good part of my issues in life is my difficulties at work, being overloaded, and not wanting to get the work done. This normally leads to open surfing for everything and anything. In a previous job, this caused me to not be successful. If I would still be watching and reading and doing other stuff while I should be working, I would be falling even further behind in my work and getting even more depressed. So besides for everything else, being clean has helped me to keep busy and to be successful in my job, which in turn makes me feel better about myself, hopefully to perpetuate this cycle for further and further growth.

Mazel Tov on this amazing achievement! You are soaring high, but this is only the beginning of an journey. The destination, is the realization that this journey is endless. There’s always more to do, and ways to grow in our never ending quest of striving to be closer to Hashem. It’s not always smooth sailing, but when you look back at your past year, you see a magnificent, breathtaking tapestry of successes, occasional setbacks and struggles that blend together and reflect real genuine growth. Thank you for sharing it and inspiring us all, with your honest perspectives, desire to Shteig, and hard work that you put it both on and off the forums, to help so many people in their pursuit of breaking free from the shackles that hold them back from realizing and achieving their true potential!

With respect and admiration,

Amevakesh

Al zeh nemar, KEEP SOARING!
My dear friend, you are an inspiration to us all! Your meyushivdig thought process, your calm and collected way, your dedication to keep growing and shteiging, and of course your achievments! We are lucky to have you here with us. 
Eagle, keep on trucking!

I had a great experience this morning.

I was on line at the bank.
I heard some music playing over the loudspeaker. I found myself listening to the music and quickly noticed that I did not want to listen to such music.
In the past I have muttered a פרק or 2 of תהילים under my breath, and that has been only mildly successful.

Today, I focused on something else, (I do not even remember what) and I am proud to say that I no longer heard the music!

I wonder how that happened? I feel great!!

Isru Chag Pesach (the night after Isru Chag)
Some thoughts.

One night over Yom Tov, my Rov pulled me aside as we went to say Gut Yom Tov and told me that my son asked him a shaila that appeared that my son was not in such a good mood, and I should be wary when I got home.
I was hurt, angry and apprehensive. What will be? I set my expectations very low (basically I put my expectations in the basement, not even on the floor).

The next day in shul, the Rov asked me how things went. I told him that nobody got killed, and I even did not need to go to the hospital at all! Everything after that was a plus.

Truth be told, Yom Tov really ended up being ok. We had some nice times and there was some healthy conversation and bonding around.

Yes, there were difficult periods, and they sometimes pulled the life out of me, but I would rather not focus on them.

I would like to just look at them as points that may need improvement. I plan to talk to each one of those that need to work on something on their own and to discuss what needs to be done. Much of it is anyway out of my hand. I cannot force them to change, I cannot effect any change, they will need to do the work themselves. As the saying goes, “you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink”.


As Yom Tov went on, I began to focus more on one phrase in the Davening.

קדשנו במצותיך, ותן חלקנו בתרתיך, שבענו מטוביך, ושמחנו (ושמח נפשנו) בישועתיך, וטהר לבנו לעבדך באמת. 

For many years, my focus was a desperate plea to הקב"ה to purify my heart as I felt that I could not do. It felt so much out of reach. By now I realize that he did indeed answer my plea and it was not something out of reach.
Yes, I focused on that phrase, הקב"ה continue to purify me so I can grow closer to you.

However, my main focus was on the phrase immediately before that, ושמחנו בישועתיך.

רבונו של עולם!!!!!

For your ישועה I do not need to cry out to you so much, you will for surely not forsake me (us). But I need to cry out to you to be משמח me with your ישועה!!

רבש"ע!! I should be able to realize what you are doing for me, how much your love is present in my daily life. Day to day, minute to minute, and second to second. I am so blind to your goodness all around me, please open my eyes to see your presence so I should be בשמחה from your surrounding me.

As of now it appears that this is out of reach.

Part of my תפילה is that the same way the next בקשה of טהרה was realized that it was not out of reach, so too the בקשה of שמחה from the salvation of הקב"ה should not be out of reach.

I will continue to beg הקב"ה for this each week in the מוסף of each שבת. He will open my eyes to the truth, as long as I keep turning to him, he will not leave me alone. 


הלואי, if only.

Heard a similar Vort on the פסוק‚ of הראנו ה' חסדך וישעך תתן לנו. It's slightly different then yours, though the idea is the same. A ישועה is only needed when one finds themselves in an עת צרה. Therefore the appropriate תפילה is Please give it to us - תתן לנו. However the 'חסדי ה are constant, we don't need to ask for them, we're surrounded by them, the בקשה therefore is, please illuminate our eyes that we may see them - הראנו ה' חסדך. 

A public הודאה to הקב"ה and a few thoughts.

2 days ago, my daughter got engaged.

Thank you הקב"ה. A wonderful בחור from a wonderful family. Much more than I deserve. A real חסד עליון.

I have a very deep feeling that I was able to get to this point partly due to my work here and my friends (family) from here.

I am not hiding and pretending who I am anymore.

I am able to look at a fine bochur as a potential son-in-law without feeling scared that maybe I am not really who I am pretend to be and feeling scared of this very fine wonderful bochur standing in front of me.

And for all this I thank each and every one of you.

This feeling allows me to really feel the שמחה of the occasion.

ושמחנו בישועתיך

That's beautiful news, enhanced by the fact that you're able to enjoy it with a full heart! Mazel Tov!!!

138eagle wrote on 14 May 2025 16:40:

Ah, the joy of living life whole, not having an alternate reality. Understanding that everything we do is part of who we are and look to make it all count.

A hartzige mazel tov from the depths of my heart (after all, to an onlooker, we look to be brothers ) and may all your experiences in life mirror this one - בשמחה אמיתית.

מתוך לב מלא אהבה והוקרה
Muttel

It has been very busy by me the last few days ב"ה for a good reason.

But over שבת I got to think a little bit.....

A week ago, when we were working on finalizing my daughter’s shidduch, we were up almost every night till about 2 am. Extremely tired.

One night, my wife showed me that she was interested, and being the good husband, I obliged.

However, neither of us had any כח to do anything and we ended up just quickly falling asleep next to each other.

Here’s the surprise.

I felt great.

It was what I needed, and I got the feeling that she felt good also. Just to be next to her and to connect emotionally without sex.

So after a week, I finally had enough כח to talk to my wife.

And I thanked her. I told her that just to be next to her and connect emotionally is wonderful. She heard me and understood me and agreed.

With wonderful שבח to הקב"ה that I am able to fell this way.

So, I’ve been away for a while. Unfortunately, it did not lead to good things.

I have been under a lot of pressure lately, mainly for good things. But that has lead to my mind wandering. Then as I was attempting to get some work done, I felt myself being drawn to some mind-numbing.  I had some bouts of filter poking yesterday and I slipped up.
I think I am ok, not a real fall, I had some סיעתא דשמיא to get out pretty quickly. Actually a friend called me for some chizuk for himself, but I definitely did not emerge unscathed.

Some thoughts on what went wrong and what I can do in the future.

I think my major mistake was that I did not reach out to one of my friends to talk. I spoke to 2 of them after the fact, and they held my hand and cried with me, but also chastised me for not calling earlier.

I realize now, I need to keep my guard up and not let go. The stresses of life are here to stay and with things going on in life they will only get more intense. But it is you, my friends that will be here to keep me afloat.

So, I’ve been away. But not that much away, in the way that I did not need to be here, as I have been having some ups and downs. Just away that I haven’t been posting.

Thank you to all of the family that I have been in touch with offline that have helped me stay afloat.

As a young bochur I was told that if you jump off the roof, you will get hurt, but it is not the fall that will kill you, it is the sudden stop at the bottom.

Now, I tend to agree to some of this, but it is not entirely true.

Lately I have had some ups and downs. I have jumped off the cliff and lost myself a few times. However, with Siyata Dishmaya (and help from the chevra) I did not hit the bottom, I managed to catch myself in mid-air and jump back up.

So I did not have that sudden stop at the bottom so I am not dead. But to say that the fall does not hurt, is simply not true.

It hurts.

However B”H I am still in the fight and overall emerging as the winner.

As Rav Hutner ztz”l said, lose the battle, but win the war.

Last week I had one or 2 more difficult days. I even had 2 days that I had to have my filter taken off of my computer.

The first time, I was prepared for it (I had to update the computer that is used at home without any internet access). So I reached out to some brothers here to hold me accountable and check in on me. That B”H worked. I managed to keep myself in the clear while I was busy with it.

(but it didn’t help me not filter poke on my work computer)

Then a day or 2 later, I was having an issue with Techloq on my work computer and in order to update it, they uninstalled it and told me to re-install it.

Easier said than done.
IT does not allow any installations without an admin password.

It took me a few hours to get them on the phone to get this done. In those few hours, I managed to run some of my old searches, and edge closer to the edge of the cliff and start climbing (falling?) down. Then, (not so quickly) managing to get back up.

I felt a bit down after that.

Over שבת I had a thought (sometimes that alone is dangerous). That even when my filter was off and I was playing around with the mud, there were links there that I knew from my past, and I held back from clicking on them and instead opted for the ones that appeared more innocuous.

It hit me! Hard!

I am a changed man!!!
Wow!

Yes, I was in a dangerous place, and I was playing with fire. But I am far above where I used to be.

I really felt uplifted.

This is the way it should be. Focus on the good that I have done. Focus on the triumphs, even if they are small. (and this one is no way small)

This week I feel that much better and higher.

Back in flight!