Oy! I have tears in my eyes.
Be strong, and realize how chashuv YOU are in the eyes of the Rebono shel olam. And imagine how much of a nachas ruach HE has when we shteig and not sink ourselves. 

I'm a little late to the party, but Big Moish, here's a big hug!
I'm so sorry for all the terrible pain you have buried inside. My friend, it kills to read this. 
My dear friend, we are here to support you at your pace. When you feel you can take the next step and make some friends, go for it. In the meantime, keep writing as much as you can. Share all the stories, the pain. Yes, it's hard to read. But we don't want our dear friend and brother to be crying alone. 
My friend, your writing, while painful to read, shows of an inner character waiting to be be built up. Keep it up
With much brotherly love,
Eerie

R moishelleh !!!  My heart stings as I read your story it's really painful..      I cant relate to most of what you wrote bh, not sure if I was in your situation that I would be able to handle it ...       One thing I could add though is that just like controlling people usually are like that cause they can't control themselves so they they need to feel some sort of control in their lives ,  so to someone that needs the approval of others and craves the approval of others and finds it critical to get approved by others can really stem from the fact that he's not getting the approval from himself about himself.
  The fact that ppl cling to you may be because you make it that situation because you want/need that feeling of self worth.   
 I feel you in that regard as I'm trying to figure this out for myself. 
    hazlacha rabah keep us posted!!!

Just checking in.
So yesterday and today I was in a bit a healthier state of mind, I figured that all the bad feelings were exposed already since I started thinking deeply into myself, especially when writing my last post, I was kind of slipping back into the same old depression state that I used to live in 15 - 20 yrs ago, which I managed to bury since then, so now that everything was exposed already, I took the courage and spoke to someone really great, deep, and understanding.

I surely have a very long way to go mentally (besides for P&M related), and my anxiety is building up, so first thing I booked a flight to a different country to spend purim with the other side of my family, so I don't have to face my father now, but I'm looking forward to getting back to being able to face him hopefully in a healthier way then by just burying the bruises.

Thank you all of you who pushed me to do this, I'm not comfortable with it, and dread the bad feelings that are there during and more so after every phone call, but I guess it's the healthy thing to do, so thanks.

I'm very late to this thread, but just want to share an encouraging word.

Moishelle, I hurt for you reading this... the pain is incomprehensible and the shame too great for me to imagine.....

Here's hoping that with Siyatta Dishmaya you get to where you need to be, emotionally and spiritually..

With a ton of brotherly love,
Muttel

Alright guys I just landed back home, had a great Purim on the one hand, there were lots of tears and begging hashem to help me get to a place of self acceptance, self esteem and healing, and obviously I made sure not to call my father when I was drunk, even though I know he expects it.

But on the other hand, Purim totally knocked me off my feet, women dressed beautifully, and especially the one's that get dressed up in all crazy costumes some really s*y, but even more so when it's my own jewish sisters looking so hot and s*y I find it much harder than the non-jewish women, so I fell a couple of times and M...d to fantasy's...

Then came the flight home, oh thank you hashem for making the guy in front of me watch some movie's that way I had some yummy scenes to watch without having all the frum jews giving me dirty looks for watching dirty movies...

And now I feel like a piece of sh... a miserable lowlife who just won't get clean...

Falling doesn't mean you're a failure. It just means you’re human. The fact that you are reflecting on it, that you care, that you want to do better that's the real sign of strength. Don't let the yetzer hara convince you that you're a miserable low life.Thats just another way it keeps you stuck.

Moish I feel you brother.. you felt so heilige, so kadosh vetahor , like a new life was breathed in you . But then you masturbated..    so you feel like you lost it all .   I understand it , I also fel mutsay shabbos after the most spiritual uplifting purim I had in many many years and I felt all your feelings , but it ain't over the journeys just starting the point is growth overall becomes a cleaner person overall whether with shmiras haguf ,shmiras habris and shmiras ainayim. And that you didn't lose your slowly taking baby steps towards real kedusha and babys fall, sometimes they can even fall backwards.. 
   Keep shtieging my friend lets fight this YH 2gether

BH I'm doing a bit better the last 2 days, painfull feelings still sweeping over me, and at times I feel like I'm having a mental breakdown slowly slipping into a depression, but at least I found something very helpful over purim...

I was saying the Tehilim we say on Purim למנצח על אילת השחר וכו and it brought me to very painful tears I was literally choking up when saying it, because I found in it both my issues with Kedusha and my bad feelings of being an in valid horse or stupid dumbell as I've posted earlier.

David Hamelech says: קלי למה עזבתני I was thinking to myself, "well I deserve that Hashem should drop me, I'm terrible in inyanei kedusha, but looks like David Hamelech is saying here that punishment may be deserved, but not being dropped by Hashem, there's absolutely no validation for Hashem droping any jew no matter how bad he/she should be, even when she's going to have relationships with Achashveirosh from her own will as chazal say, כאשר אבדתי אבדתי וכו' אבדתי מעוה"ז ואבדתי מעוה"ב שעד כאן הייתי אונס ועכשיו הנני הולך ברצון", so that gave me some chizuk.

Then a few pesukim later David Hamelech starts to speak exactly of my situation both on the kedusha and self worth levels, he says: ואנוכי תולעת ולא איש חרפת אדם ובזוי עם I'm a shame to all of humanity, normal people are ashamed to have me as a part of their species, for in reality I'm just an ugly oowee goowee worm, כל רועי ילעיגו לי, יפטירו בשפה יניעו ראש anyone who sees me, sees right through me as a disgusting creature, they just invalidate me with their mouths, while shaking their heads, as if to say "this guy should get outta here, hes so stupid and is an embarrasment to all of mankind...

When I was saying that part I was literally shaking and choking up from the tears that were flowing freely down my face, as he just writes my whole life down in just one pasuk.

But the good thing that happened afterwards is that after Purim I started to find solace in these pesukim, I feel like there's someone out there (altough thousands of yrs ago, but David Melech yisrael chai vekaiyam) that really understands the depths of my pain and really cries along with me.

But not just that he writes a very deep solution in the very next pasuk: גל אל השם ופלטהו יצילהו כי חפץ בו throw your pain onto Hashem, he'll save you and help you escape all those horrible feelings, כי אתה גוחי מבטן, מבטיחי על שדי אימי, עליך השלכתי מרחם, מבטן אימי קלי אתה, from when I was just a thing in development, still in my mother's womb, he has already secured me with everything I need to survive, when I was born I right away had my mother's breasts, he has forever taken care of me and made me feel secure, so now all I got to do is just throw these two (kedusha and self worth) issues onto him and he'll once again secure me with everything I need to survive and continue to develop into a healthy worthy and kadosh human being. 

Do I feel it yet? no, but I now have some tehilim to say that makes ms feel somewhat validated, and with a written solution that hopefully I'll be able to work on and really get there, I know it's a lot of hard work, but at least David Hamelech is here with me crying along and wiping down my tears.

Hilieger Rabbi Moishe! 

I have so much to say my fingers are already hurting me. But i dont want to write a whole drusha now. Ill do it anyway........................ 

I wont say i understand a little of what you are going thru, no, i understand EXACTLY what you are going thru. 
How, you ask? Because i was in the same boat for a very very long time. 
I never felt loved by anyone, felt worthless, freak, rusha, the whole nine yards. And I am BH smart. It didnt help a bit. 
Untill today i can hardly accept a compliment from anyone. I learned at a much younger age how to use M and P as a pacifier for my feelings. too young.....

It took my almost 25 years to gain some sort of control over these addictions. The first win was getting to GYE! Untill that, nothing worked. 
The worst thing is thining that you are the only one and that you are sick. This is literally fuel for addiction! So coming here and finding out that im not alone! Im not even the worst! There are RL people that are in much deeper stuff that myself! Wow! that in itself helped a lot. 

I worked thru the Flight to Freedom program on GYE, it gave me so much insight and so many tools. It changed my mind. I went from blaming myself and thinking that something is wrong with me, to understanding how this addiction works. That gave me the ability to distance myself from these desires. I didnt identify with my addictions. I am not a Rusha!!! I have a YH thats a RUSHA and he got me addicted and so my brain and body wanted the fix that comes with it. So the same way you taught your brain how to get addicted, you can train it to become un-addicted!

Welcome home brother! 
Stick around, learn from others, work the programs, use the tools, keep posting.
YOU WILL GET BETTER

Love 
Chancyhk

Thanks @chancyhk for your warm reply, just 2 points;

1. Yes I did use P & M for a self medication for those bad feelings, but as I have stated in my first post, I've done all the f2f tools, realized that I'm not alone, seen that there are others who may be worse than me, and all the awesome stuff GYE has to offer, but that ain't my issue, I have managed to stay clean for a long time, my real issue is that when the feelings hit me I kind of slip into a deppresion state, and from there the fall is almost inevitable, my only option meanwhile was to live a life of falsehood and be in some sort of bubble that I'm a great guy, that way I don't let the feelings hit me and drive me off the cliff.

2. Being very smart to me is the greatest killer, I am a very deep thinker kind of guy, and that only causes me to fall into those depression's, I even had a period of about 3 - 4 years that I prayed to hashem morning evening and night to please take my brains away, and let me be a "happy dumbell" rather than a depressed genius...

I still can't take any compliments from anyone (the last few weeks I did get a bit better at accepting one from my wife, who I know that she really knows and means it, other wise I can't take one from anyone), and there's two reasons for that, 1. because I'm never convinced that the guy saying it really means it, and especially when it's coming from someone who I have a profile of, like my parents who I know criticized me, I'll never be convined that their compliment is really sincere. 2. because I know deep down that what the guy is saying isn't really true, for only I know where I'm really up to, and how bad I really am, I mean like let's face it, which horse cares about someone else?!?!?!?! and even if I'm not a horse, but I definitely do P & M, and other aveiros, so how can you tell me that I'm a chashuva guy, who belongs in the position he is in?!?!?!?! 

But thank you all for your warmth and compassionate responses, I really do need it.

If you didn’t engage in p&m would you be comfortable with sincere compliments?

vehkam wrote on 20 Mar 2025 04:02:

Again I'm not really conviced of the giver's sincerity, lately I started believing in my wife's sincerity and that's after close to 10 yrs of marriage; and I usually don't feel worthy of whatever compliment I receive or give myself, deep down I tend to laugh it off and convince myself that I don't deserve it.

Is it because I was told over and over again that I'm just a freakin human being, as I've posted on page 1 about my childhood? could be, I don't know, maybe a therapist would be able to help me figure it out, but currently this is just the fact.

Moshe,

lots and lots of people say the same thing, "i can be clean, thats not my issue, if only i didnt have (enter your other major life problem here), i would be fine. But when that (enter other major life problem here) hits me, there is nothing i can do. 
Let me be very blunt, THAT IS YOUR ADDICTION TALKING!!! 
Remember, Your mind/nervous system got used to sex as a tool to make you feel safe and good, im not sure how a lot of us would look like today if we didnt have the pacifier when we were young., the nervous system NEEDS something to hold on to, or it would go into freeze mode and become unstable. So it got us hooked to this thing. And as long as you dont realize that your brain is now WIRED to think and feel a certain way, you are not getting the whole picture. 
Of course when you are depressed you run there, you are used to it, every fiber of your body is screaming for you to do it so it can feel good. Your nervous system doesn't think, it just feels! 
The first thing you need to do it a tool called Diffusion- Its basically understanding and explaininig to your body and mind that these desires are
Normal
Were important once
They feel good, very good, dont fight the obvious....
You DONT NEED it anymore to survive, you are mature and can learn how to cope in a healthy way
Its ok to still want it, you are used to it from before you were fully mature, so your brain grew on this fuel
I know the cost of acting out, the minute of pleasure versus the eternity of guilt/shame/regret. 
Its ok to let it go, you will NOT die, faint, explode, hurt anyone, or molest someone just because you stopped M and P.
Feel the lust, see it for what it is, an outside force that is NOT YOU.
Feel YOURSELF, see YOURSELF, who are YOU? what do YOU stand for? 
BREAK APART THE TWO. You are NOT lust, You are NOT bad, You are NOT a Rusha!!! 

Its hard and it will be hard for a while. but this is the best way to do it. 

Remember this, every time you resist, you are making that imprint of lust weaker. Every time you give in, you are making the imprint stronger. 

Regarding your feeling of low self worth, i can fully identify, You might need to go to therapy. It will help you. Hopefully things will improve financially where you will be able to afford it. 

May Hashem be with you 

Dear Moishelle,

If only I could give you a tight hug that you would feel is sincere, if only I could look deeply in to your eyes and tell you how good and holy (yes holy) and special you are, if only I could erase all the hurtful experiences that were yours, I would do so. There's nothing I wish I could do for you more than alleviate the pain you're in. But, I can give a few messages that may be helpful.

1) You are a good person that no one can judge. I have no doubt that if I went through your experiences, I would be a lot worse off than you. Perhaps you've made mistakes, but that doesn't change the fact that you are a good and heroic person, that's dealing with a Peckel that most people would crumble under. The fact that you are able to maintain a productive life, by helping others despite all you've been through, is nothing short of heroic.

2) If anyone is בגדר אונס on these forums, it's people like you, that have been beaten down consistently by others, that only turned to P&M as an answer to the pain they were in. This is not something you wanted בעצם, it was merely a coping mechanism, to get you through the pain you were in.

3) There is real genuine hope on this site. Many have come to this site hopeless, in despair, but by joining the Chevra, have somehow crept out of the pit of filth. I've seen miracles that I wouldn't have believed could take place, had I not seen them with my own eyes. Many problems that were seemingly unrelated to lust, somehow became a whole lot easier to bear, when lust is taken out of the equation.

Dear friend, stick around. Get to know us. The guys here are the most sincere people, having experienced some of the hard knocks of life. Most of us have felt pain. Perhaps in different forms and colors, but we'll be there for you in yours. Here's a warm hug from a guy that really cares.