I want to clarify some points.
I hope I did not make it seem too easy. Being that life is getting me down at this time, the struggle not to go read a porn story is real! I am consciously feeling the pull often as I sit here at work and look at the mountain of work in front of me and feel that it is insurmountable.
Also, lately my mind has been working on overdrive to dredge up old stories that I read, in full color. I have B”H been successful in moving on to think about something else, but I had one wet dream in the past few weeks. (not due to active thoughts though).

I believe the Yetzer Hara is working overtime to get me back on his side. A bit of a reminder that after all I am a male human being.
I remain here, trying to stay in the air.

Thank you to the great friends that reached out for some encouraging words after my depressing post on Sunday. Your words are warming me up and keeping me going.

And so, after doing some thinking from what I wrote the other day, here’s where I am.

Like I wrote, I decided that I need to focus on some good parts of life, not just the things that are getting me down. So last night when I came home from work super wiped and super stressed, I decided that I will attempt to not let it get me down. I asked my 2 younger boys if they would like to learn with me. They immediately jumped on the opportunity. The older one, only had a few minutes as he was going to learn with a friend soon.

I plopped on the couch and opened the Mishnayos with him and we learned great.

When he left, I learned with the next one.
You can only imagine the weird things I said as I learned Mishnayos Eruvin in my sleep……

After we were done, I promptly fell asleep on the couch for 15 minutes. But when I woke up, I concentrated on the fact that I just had a great time learning with my boys and they also enjoyed it!

Consequently, not everything is as hopeless as it seems.

Thank you all
And most of all Thank You Hashem!!!

So, I actually had a few good days, not because the doldrums of life went away. They continued to be doldrums. But the way I looked at them, was different.

Last week, after going through some more especially difficult situations, I got a call about a relative that is about to lose his source of Parnasa. I was just about moved to tears and felt his pain deeply.

Then on Shabbos morning as I was walking to shul it hit me (ouch!).

Although my situation is not so hunky-dory, there is so much to be thankful for. Even the parts that are difficult have so much good!
I began to look around and began to see that I have so much good all around me.

I had a fantastic davening that morning, I really felt the joy in the פסוקי דזמרה and in נשמת. I said מודים with a lot of כוונה that I usually have a hard time reaching.

Thank you הקב"ה for all of your חסדים! Your kindness is endless!!!!

About a year ago I joined GYE.

It was after a day that I was not in my regular office and I was in a private room. Not at the regular open cubicle that I am usually in.
Needless to say, I did not get that much work done that day. I read and read and read. On the long drive home I had prepared some shiurim on the גמרא that I was learning. It did not even go in to go out the other ear. That night I had a hard time falling asleep. My mind was in a whir.

I had heard about GYE some time before that, but had never really looked into it. It took a few days to get passed that fall to open an account and to
start to read the forums and start the Flight to Freedom program.

I am forever grateful that I did.

The main things that helped me are as follows.
1.    The realization that I am not alone.
2.    I am not a רשע.
3.    I am a normal person.

Once I was able to realize these points I was able to connect with the עולם here and grow together with them.

And here I am. One year clean!!!!!

A bit of reflection on where I am today.

No, I am not a מלאך so I still have some struggles. The things I saw and did still come around from time to time to haunt me. But when they do, I am able to recognize that this is a normal part of life and therefore not some sort of crazy desire of a total מושחית so I am able focus on other things and I am able to move on.

The joy of being clean for a year is immense!!!

As a side point, I can only imagine what would be if I would still be reading porn stories all day. A good part of my issues in life is my difficulties at work, being overloaded, and not wanting to get the work done. This normally leads to open surfing for everything and anything. In a previous job, this caused me to not be successful. If I would still be watching and reading and doing other stuff while I should be working, I would be falling even further behind in my work and getting even more depressed. So besides for everything else, being clean has helped me to keep busy and to be successful in my job, which in turn makes me feel better about myself, hopefully to perpetuate this cycle for further and further growth.

Mazel Tov on this amazing achievement! You are soaring high, but this is only the beginning of an journey. The destination, is the realization that this journey is endless. There’s always more to do, and ways to grow in our never ending quest of striving to be closer to Hashem. It’s not always smooth sailing, but when you look back at your past year, you see a magnificent, breathtaking tapestry of successes, occasional setbacks and struggles that blend together and reflect real genuine growth. Thank you for sharing it and inspiring us all, with your honest perspectives, desire to Shteig, and hard work that you put it both on and off the forums, to help so many people in their pursuit of breaking free from the shackles that hold them back from realizing and achieving their true potential!

With respect and admiration,

Amevakesh

Al zeh nemar, KEEP SOARING!
My dear friend, you are an inspiration to us all! Your meyushivdig thought process, your calm and collected way, your dedication to keep growing and shteiging, and of course your achievments! We are lucky to have you here with us. 
Eagle, keep on trucking!

I had a great experience this morning.

I was on line at the bank.
I heard some music playing over the loudspeaker. I found myself listening to the music and quickly noticed that I did not want to listen to such music.
In the past I have muttered a פרק or 2 of תהילים under my breath, and that has been only mildly successful.

Today, I focused on something else, (I do not even remember what) and I am proud to say that I no longer heard the music!

I wonder how that happened? I feel great!!