Dear Mrs. ILH, my goal for this disclosure is to be completely open and honest about all my past sexual betrayals. I know that this is the path to alleviating the distance we feel from one another and also the right choice for us in order to continue on our journey of bonding and recovery. I am will to answer any questions you have about any of my past behaviors, and commit myself to being honest with you as well as to myself moving forward. I am also affirming my commitment to my continued recovery and to healing and growing together in our relationship. I recognize that this whole topic is extremely disturbing for you to hear and I understand that the impact of my actions is extremely far reaching. It has affected our relationship on a fundamental level, and I have betrayed your trust in the most sensitive area in your life. I am very remorseful for all the pain I have caused you and for having stolen your ability to trust me. I have not allowed you to feel that you can be emotionally vulnerable with me, and I have been a source of trauma and anxiety in your life. I am sorry and hope that in time you can accept my apology for the harm and pain that I have caused you. I love you very much and hope that this disclosure - as painful as it may be - will help us rebuild our bond of trust and faith.

Here it goes…

My acting out behaviors started many years before we met. I first felt stirrings of sexual attraction at around 9 years old when I had a “crush” of my 4th grade teacher. I do not think that was lust though, it think it was just regular development. In approximately 5th grade (around 10 years old), the boy who would bully me on the bus started talking about sex. It was confusing, but I did not have any adult I felt safe talking to about it.

 I was first exposed to lustful sexuality at approximately age 11, when two sisters (family friends’ daughters) experimented on me sexually. The older sister performed oral sex on me while the younger sister watched. I was able to uncover this after intensive therapy (EMDR) with my therapist. I do not know where they learned these behaviors, but it was a shocking and scarring experience for me – I was violated to my core, and this violation continued to echo in my actions for many years afterward, especially in the manner of my acting out.

At about 12 years old, or perhaps shortly after I was molested at 11, I once touched my sister (the middle sibling) on the vagina and looked at it when she was sleeping.

When I was 13, I put together a computer from junk parts in my parents’ garage, and tried downloading a movie from a pirating software called “Limewire.” The file titled with the film I was looking for was actually a porno. This was my first exposure to pornography. It was vile and shocking, but I went back for more and could not stop. In 8th grade I got my first cell phone, and would record the audio of the porn videos and masturbate to the audio playback in the bathroom.  I recall the first time I masturbated at approximately 10 or 11 years old, I think it was before being molested.

At around the same time of my first exposure to pornography, I exposed myself (by opening up my towel) at a cleaning lady and offered her some money. I did not have anything particular in mind as far as I recall, I think I was just trying to recreate something sexual from porn I saw. The cleaning lady told my mother, my mother sent her away, and it was never mentioned again (until recently, when my mother mentioned it to the two of us and then denied that it happened).

My initial “sex education” came from a classmate I used to spend a lot of time playing video games with. His older brother (must have been finishing up high school or starting college) had a bedroom upstairs and there would constantly be non-Jewish looking young women going into his room with him. I remember being told that the older brother took the girls into his room to have sex with them. The older brother also smoked a lot of weed, and my classmate and I would try to copy him by stuffing grass (from the ground) into pen caps and trying to smoke it.

The only official “sex ed” I got was when I was in my teens and my parents gave me a book on puberty. I yelled at them angrily (I think I was scared and ashamed and uncomfortable) and threw the book in the trash. I later went to get the book and masturbated to the pencil sketches of women’s body going through puberty. Around that time, I was flipping through a photo album of my parents when they first came to America. I was either not yet born or was very young. I found photos of my father in cross-dressing competitions and of one of my aunts lounging seductively in the nude at a waterfall (looked like it was by a hiking trails). I masturbated to that photo so many times that it got completely destroyed – I was disgusted with myself each time but could not stop.

By the end of middle school, I was masturbating pretty much daily. I also connected to 7th grade girl that I would call on the phone and have her make sexual sounds while I masturbated. I fantasized about having sex with all my female classmates and would call them on their home phones and fantasize that they were lusting after me while we were chatting. I also lusted after most of my female teachers and would fantasize/image that they were naked and having sex with me. I would also try to find different pornographic content on the middle school computers but didn’t have much luck with that. By this point my lust was stuck on full throttle. I now recognize that I was trying to somehow recreate the dynamic that existed with my first molestation, but flipping the power so that I was in control of someone helpless. During this time, I also began bullying other [male] students. Through therapy I recognized that this was due to my mind trying to process the initial trauma of being sexually abused by trying to recreate the scenario and re-process. Unfortunately, this didn’t work and just led to more dysfunction in my life.

Around this time, I began to drink alcohol. I would go a local modern orthodox synagogue to hang out with girls, try to “score” and get drunk with them. There were also many scantily dressed adult women that I would lust after. There was a “kiddush club” where the adults would get drunk after shabbat day davening. I would sneak drinks there with my friends (the adults didn’t kick us out), and eventually started a kiddush club of my own in 11th grade. The sisters who molested me lived near the synagogue and I would spend lots of afternoons in their home and by their pool. I remember the girls’ parents acting strangely, and a constant sexual tension when I was around the sisters. I vaguely recall one or both of the sisters exposing their breasts to me in the house when their father was nearby. I am not sure but I think they would also masturbate with me watch and their father and/or mother around the corner or on the other side of the wall where I could see both of them. There was also an assistant youth director/rabbi who was divorced and living in their home. Her led the Saturday night basketball activities for teens and tweens in the same synagogue I would drink and chase girls in. I didn’t “score” much, but was filled with lust and fantasy.

Around 13/14 years old, I was again molested by the elder of the two sisters who molested me at age 11. I had been a freshman in high school and their family came over for shabbat lunch. As we were walking up the hill to my parents’ house, she grabbed my hands and had me fondle her breasts (above the shirt). I was scared and scandalized that she had me do this bold and crass action in public, where either of our parents and a multitude of neighbors might have seen it happen. She took me to my bedroom when we got to the house, and had me sit on the bed with her, with my hands under her bra. She wanted me to fondle her again and touch her nipples, which I did. This was against my will. At this point, my mindset started to shift and count this interaction as a “score;” I don’t think I could have handled the truth of the situation without having some sort of breakdown, so I told myself a different truth. I was learning to treat women as objects.

Entering high school, I attended sleepaway travel summer camps overseas. I was exposed to sexually charged experiences like kissing local girls in youth hostels the camp stayed in. I would generally seek out girls that were likely to be an easier “catch” – I think as a means to take back control of the dynamic that was created when I was molested at 11. I was exposed to alcohol and cigarettes around this time. Most of my initial acting out involved mostly alcohol alone, but from my teenage years it involved marijuana as well. When I acted out sexually, I was not in a committed relationship with my acting out partner.

High school was very scary for me. I felt increasingly more like an outsider as I grew up. In my high school the cool older kids were all getting dunk and high (very much so) and having a lot of sexual encounters. One of the more popular boys in my grade was “famous” for having sex with a woman in her 30’s when he was still a teenager. Only now do I realize that this was essentially molestation, but the community I grew up in was full of “rape-culture” with it being a social norm that men took advantage of women, even to the extent of drugging/intoxicating them in order to rape them. The victims were often blamed for being “too easy/slutty” and were groomed to be sexual toward men. The popular boys in my grade (from 9th or 10th grade) would brag about going to massage parlors, and getting a “happy ending” (a hand job) from the massage lady for an extra tip.

I recall feeling very uncomfortable with a male tutor who would help me with my Judaic studies. I have not done any EMDR therapy to uncover the reason behind these bad feelings but I suspect something sexual or at least overtures in that regard. This is the only male authority figure in my life I suspect of sexual misbehavior with me.

Growing up my father was always working and rarely home when the kids were awake. We had full-time live-in housekeepers, and also mother’s helpers to help us with homework, carpool, and similar things. There was one tutor who was around in 9th grade with whom I am in the process of uncovering (through EMDR therapy) a laundry list of molestation and breaches of trust. I clearly recall when the line separating mentor from peer was crossed. I was being driven by her at night, and we were stopped at a stop sign, just chatting (this was already not appropriate). She mentioned that she had a hard time driving at night and I reached over to dim her bright blue dashboard lights. I leaned over her and brushed across her chest, and she did not stop me. She just smiled. There are several “snapshots” of memories from that original incident until the final one. I used to get rides from a local drug dealer (he would drive kids for cheap and sell them drugs) to her apartment. I would ditch school to meet her. I recall walking into her apartment once and seeing her walking toward me in blue lingerie. There is no circumstance in which this could be appropriate. I know we got high together a few times at least. These interactions continued in an escalating manner over the next few years.

During these years where things were escalating with my former tutor, I spent a lot of shabbat afternoons in a childhood friend’s house. His older sister would have a lot of sex in public places with her boyfriend, and I lusted over her and her younger sister. I would lay in bed with both sisters, cuddling, while their parents would pray and read Tehillim downstairs. I was angry at the hypocrisy and the fact that they acted so holy but could not protect their children from doing whatever they wanted with whomever they wanted.  I saw the parents as weaklings, and by extension, religion as hypocritical. This was very confusing for me, because in grade school my family had begun getting more frum. At this point we would be considered “modern orthodox,” which was really more modern and less orthodox. My friend’s sisters introduced me to their friends. We would hang out together and get high (this was around 16 years old). My first time getting high was at 16 years old, with the public-school kids after driver’s education classes.

When I was 16 (before I had my driver’s license), my family stayed in a hotel for Pesach and female tutor stayed with her aunt and uncle in their own separate hotel suite. That Pesach, I had purchased marijuana to smoke alone and with my former tutor. I recall sneaking out of the movie theater our families were in, and meeting her at a local park to get high together. She gave me a hand job over my pants in a public park. After that, we made plans ahead of the seder and ditched the seder to hook up. I recall getting drunk on sangria wine with her in the hot tub, sexual energy, and waking up wet, naked, and confused in her hotel room bed with my mother upset at the door of the apartment suite. I have not yet uncovered what happened exactly but I suspect that we had sex. There are many “blackout memories” involving her and I am working to uncover my memories. I am not sure even to what extent things need to be uncovered. I’d like to continue working on uncovering more with continued EMDR therapy. After the hotel bed incident my mother found my weed stash and took it away from me. She was upset but I didn’t really hear much more about it after that day.

After that hotel incident with the tutor, I was feeling extremely lost and confused. I was also feeling used and abused and smoked and drank whatever I could get my hands on. I ended up hospitalized one time because I was smoking weed and drinking mixed drink after mixed drink at a party. My drunk classmates drove me to the hospital and called my mother. When she showed up, she filmed herself aggressively interviewing me and shaming me in order to show me what I looked like. I resent her for not being there to teach me right from wrong and to protect me from bad choices, then shame me for making the choices I made. I was getting so wasted because people I trusted molested me, and I didn’t feel safe talking about it with my parents. The only way to escape the pain was to numb it.

I started seeking out more sexual encounters with girls closer to my age. It as mostly kissing and groping, but once I got my driver’s license at 17 I had the ability to broaden my horizons. there were two girls who performed oral sex on me. The first was someone that a classmate told to text me and the second was a girlfriend I had through 12th grade until the begging of my first of two gap years abroad.

Intro: Dear Mrs. ILH, my goal for this disclosure is to be completely open and honest about all my past sexual betrayals. I know that this is the path to alleviating the distance we feel from one another and also the right choice for us in order to continue on our journey of bonding and recovery. I am willing to answer any questions you have about any of my past behaviors, and commit myself to being honest with you as well as to myself moving forward. I am also affirming my commitment to my continued recovery and to healing and growing together in our relationship. I recognize that this whole topic is extremely disturbing for you to hear and I understand that the impact of my actions is extremely far reaching. It has affected our relationship on a fundamental level, and I have betrayed your trust in the most sensitive area in your life.

I made the choice to betray your trust with my actions, and I understand that my betrayals have shattered your trust in me, leaving you feeling deeply wounded and insecure, and our marriage and relationship in a precarious state. I am truly remorseful for the pain I've caused you and for the sense of safety I've stolen from you. I have not allowed you to feel that you can be emotionally vulnerable with me, and I have been a source of trauma and anxiety in your life. I am sorry and hope that you can accept my apology for the harm and pain that I have caused you – I am committing myself to being there for you, no longer how long it takes for you to heal from my actions and selfish & self-seeking attitudes. I will continue to work on myself and our relationship, and I understand that earning back your trust will take time. I love you very much and hope that this disclosure - as painful as it may be - will help us rebuild our bond of trust and faith.

I am also committing myself to working with you on creating a system of accountability that will lay out the rules and guidelines of the steps I’ll need to begin to take, and constantly continue to take to rebuild trust. Some accountability steps I’ve already incorporated into my life are regular checks-ins with my SA sponsor as well as a network of fellows in recovery, active participation in 12 step groups and step work, and a commitment to increase honesty and transparency in our relationship. Some further levels of accountability can include check ins when I feel that I am struggling with lust or resentments, as well as any other measures that we and our network of mentors and friends can help us figure out.

Here we go. Are you ready to listen to me share my story?

My acting out started from before we met. I was molested by two girls my age when I was 11, the younger sister watched while the older sister performed oral sex on me. Since then, my lust drive was stuck on full throttle. I used sexuality to try and reframe and recreate what I experienced at age 11 in many different ways, but it didn’t help me get any better. Over the years my acting out escalated, and started to increase with alcohol consumption in 8th grade, and marijuana usage in high school. I was molested by the older of the two sisters again at 13 years old, and then continuously over the course of 2 and a half years from 14 to 16 and a half by a female tutor. I would fantasize and masturbate constantly, often compulsively & to the point of pain. I used masturbation to control anxiety and sexual acting out to try and reverse the female domination that I had endured since childhood. My sexual interactions in high school include oral sex from a Jewish public-school girl, “hooking up/kissing” girls, and oral and vaginal sex with one girlfriend multiple times over the course of several months, always with protection. I started “hooking up” with my former girlfriend while I was in the middle of a fledgling relationship with another girl. I acknowledge my history of betrayal of a trusting relationship in this regard. I did not act out with other people when I was in yeshiva for two years, but did engage in a lot of fantasy and compulsive masturbation. I first engaged in prostitution in college, paying exclusively for oral sex, as a means to ease my anxiety and on a deeper level, as an attempt to process the trauma I went through at ages 11 and 14-16 when I was being molested. This was at its worst when I came back from yeshiva and during my semester or two in college in New York City. I was sickened by the prostitution, especially after a young girl walked in on her mother performing oral sex on me. I walked away immediately when I saw the girl watching. After that I started going to massage parlors, most often not engaging in any sexual interaction, rather fantasizing that I was doing exhibitionism in a controlled environment (by getting a massage in the nude). I had protected vaginal sex at a massage parlor twice before marriage.

Prior to meeting you, I engaged in the following behaviors:

·         Pornography (video and erotic stories)

·         Compulsive masturbation

·         Betrayal in a trusting relationship

·         Prostitution

·         Objectifying women

·         Lying

·         Manipulating people

·         Alcohol and Marijuana abuse

Although I entered our marriage having ceased getting high and acting out with other women for at least 6 months, I was still a “dry drunk.” I objectified and used you as a sex object for several years, and did not give you the respect you deserve as a woman, let alone as my wife. You must have felt horrible! I own that it was selfish of me to blame you for your “dryness” and for sending you to doctors to get you “fixed.” I am truly sorry for putting you through those toxic experiences with me, and pray that my sober actions today and in the future will help in making a living amends to you for what I put you through in our marriage.

I did not get high or masturbate until you were pregnant with out second son. I bought some weed when we spent the summer upstate by your sister and biked to the fancy summer camp down the hill and got high. I spent the rest of that summer wasted. When our second son was born, my anxiety increased and I began turning to pornography and masturbation again. You caught me once with erotic literature, and I told you it was a one-off thing, which was a lie. I am sorry for my dishonestly and manipulation of your trust. You knew the truth but I tricked you into doubting yourself. That was unfair and malicious of me. It was not right of me to cause you to question your sanity! During the next few years, I struggled with counting days of sexual and substance related sobriety.

COVID is when things really fell apart for me. I lost my job and didn’t know what to do with myself, especially when we moved in with my parents. I turned to marijuana to help me cope with my anxiety yet again. I left you to care for our several young children all alone, and never gave you the space to feel comfortable asking for help. You worked so hard when I could have been there for you. I abandoned you in your time of need. I’m so sorry! When I started working for my father as COVID lockdowns were loosening up, I struggled a lot with lust in the workplace and the anxiety caused by the extremely toxic work culture, plus the lack of work structure & the high demands my father placed on me in the office. I started getting high and began going to massage parlors again. Most of my visits were lust-filled exhibitionist fantasy indulgences that the massage lady enjoyed massaging me as I was nude. I failed to be there for you when both of your parents were going through chemo, especially when I was supposed to spend shabbat with your father but instead spent the weekend getting high and drunk in the city. I also failed you when our third son had a febrile seizure, and instead of coming to help you, I picked up some weed and got high. It hurts so much to know I broke your trust. I was completely selfish, and I hate that I did that to you.

Around this time, I was being drawn deeper and deeper into the cult that we were eventually ejected from in December of 2022. In September of 2022, when I was in the depths of my rock bottom – physically handicapped after the car accident in early September & being spiritually, emotionally, and financially drained by the cult and trying to be even more “frum” to rectify my misdemeanors – I had my first sexual encounter with another woman since we got married. I had left some business cards after eating at a local bagel shop (to promote our new business). I remember benching extra long with a hat, jacket, and tie and getting a text the next day from one of the female workers at the shop. She sent me extremely provocative nude photos and told me she wanted to have sex with me. The lust sent me into overdrive, and we met by her house. She performed oral sex on me and in the small moment of clarity afterward, I refused her demands for sex, kicked her out of the car, and drove home. That week, I reached out for help. I called Dr. P, the famous psychologist, and opened up to another person for the first time about the tremendous pain and struggle I was shamefully hiding for years. 9 days after the incident with this woman, I opened my Guard Your Eyes account and I started writing my journal. I went to my first SA meeting around then, was terrified from what I heard and left. I joined AA shortly after, and my 2nd sponsor (John P) urged me to get an SA sponsor. It took about another year until I got an SA sponsor.

Something is not an MO but I feel responsible to share is an incident that occurred on May 20th ‘23, when we were at your sister’s house for Shabbat lunch. I was heavily intoxicated during the meal and at some point, noticed her oldest daughter masturbating herself with my foot. I was startled when I noticed and pulled away immediately. The next week, on May 27th, I was heavily intoxicated again at their house and am concerned that it might have happened again – that there was some sort of inappropriate physical touching going on. It terrified me that this could happen a second time after I was aware of the issue, and other than a small sip on June 3rd (the next shabbat - at our nephew’s bar mitzvah), I never had a drink or drug since. Potentially harming children is a line I cannot bear to cross and have done everything that is in my power, to never ever be in that situation ever again. My AA sobriety date is the following Sunday, June 4th 2023.

On two occasions after our marriage, I visited massage parlors that were actually brothels and had protected vaginal sex. The first was in late 2023 or early 2024, shortly after I started in SA. I wanted “one last hurrah” but felt disgusting afterwards. I stayed “dry” for about 6 months until doing it again in August of 2024. The second and final time was on Tisha b’av of ‘24 – I told you I went to a shiur but I really went out looking for a massage parlor prostitute. That summer I really struggled with fantasy, masturbation, and lust. Thank G-d, one day at a time, I’ve been sober in SA since August 21st, 2024.

Going to meetings, calling my sponsor, praying, doing step work, and overall doing my best to work a solid 12 step program on a daily basis are all things that make a massive difference in what my sobriety looks like today. I recognize that this is a one-day-at-a-time program and the only sobriety I can really, really count is what I have today. I am powerless over lust, and it’s made my life unmanageable – but I found a solution that works. I don’t know if my addictions stem from genetics or from my traumas in childhood and adulthood, but the point here is not who or what to blame, rather what is the next right thing that I can do today to life a productive and sober life.

Summary of figures:

·         Financial impact: I estimate that I spend $1500-$2500 of our own money on substances and women, and $1000-$2000 of cash I skimmed from my father’s petty cash account from his business, which I will need to repay when I make my step 9 amends to him.

·         Acting out with other women: I had three extramarital sexual encounters in our marriage, one oral and two vaginal. I had myself STD tested & the results were negative for any STDS. I acknowledge that I have exposed you and our children to sexually transmitted diseases, and understand that you must be horrified to learn this.

Conclusion: Mrs. ILH, I cannot even image how difficult it is for you to hear and digest all of this information, and I understand that you’ll need some time to process everything I just told you. I understand if you feel angry, confused, betrayed, or any other emotion that comes up for you. Your feelings are valid, and I want to create a safe space for you to express them. I hope you can forgive me, even if it feels impossible right now.

I am willing to give you whatever time you need and whatever support I can provide to help you take care of yourself. I shared things with you today that are extremely difficult to bear – I am still working on forgiving myself and for relieving myself of the burden of shame I carry upon my heart every single day due to my actions. I support whatever you need to do to take care of yourself, and am open to hearing of any new boundaries that you would like to share with me. I am fully committed to doing whatever it takes to worker on and repair our relationship. I know words are not enough, and I will show you through my actions that I am committed to change.

I love you

Sincerely,

ILH