I suspect that this is a more common problem then we realize.

I had actually thought that when I got my shalom Bayis more in order (A result of trying to clean up in this area, making the bedroom more focused on her etc.) So I was shocked when she said something along the lines of "I wish I knew what you are doing on the computer so much". with a suspicious look on her face. (she does not know the extent of my struggles , though I suspect she knows more then I think she does). I had actually spoken to HHM about this. He told me to tell her that I am working on Shmiras Einayim in general and that GYE has resources to help with that. It worked out well because my wife had already heard from me a few times  and seen me make more of an effort to keep my eyes away from ppl in the street. Obviously please  Speak with him yourself for what may be the best for your particular situation. what he told one person may not be what is best for someone else. But the general work on enhancing shalom bayis together with work on kedusha might help somewhat.

Had huge nisayon today bh didn't act on it and did all the appropriate measures. (Called bunch of ppl no one answered made sure to leave voice note just to get it outta my system) pushed it off, and made sure to take nap cause I was flippen tired and when I'm that tired
 I always wanna just m.... And crawl into bed.  Thanks all those that gave support and continue. 
  Thought the urge would fully go away, it hasn't but it's way way less and much more managable and oviousoviously on way to 2nd seder had a second look thats still staying  in my head  two hours later.        We'll Keep you guys posted

Out of the mud!!!!!   In awesome place right now

lamaazavtuni wrote on 06 Mar 2025 21:51:


Im mamash crying for you!! You didnt let anything stop you!
Although I never met you (yet) I feel like I just won the lottery with this post!

Ah frielichen purim to my my nigleh friends !!!   Davening for all of you.  Hoping to really control my eyes this purim , hope the same by you guys too.  

Didn't see this coming ... Feel like a idiot for throwing in the towel in a second literally of weakness with a half straight mind still woozy from purim...  didn't see actual p... But m....  last night .  so we'll start another streak not ignoring the growth and kedusha I felt and still feel .  This purim was a huge matsav of growth for me  in many many ways to long to elaborate...      and I'm very happy that it was a normal regular fall and nothing to intense.   Who knows maybe the nisayon is now to see my reaction...         
     Think I'll start posting my count every day till 90      so here's day 1

Just to make me feel like an even bigger piece of cherp .  The reason I fell was cause I had a opportunity on a half filtered phone fer a few min and was a drop peeved at my taiyereh rebisem . Then right after I m... She wanted to be together (really not like her) so I had to pretend I was interested when I was NOT especially cause I was feeling pretty guilty and just needed to mope to myself.    
   Meanwhile I could have had my cake and eaten it too.

The gemara tells us that the story of Yehuda and Tamar is both read and interpreted (back in the day there was a meturgamin)
The Gemara asks that it is obvious, why tell us? 
The answer: you would think that it should not be translated out of Kovod for yehuda, ko mashma lon the opposite. It is his praise because he admitted. The gemra is saying that it is worth to hear a shortfall that happened because we see how great he responded to it. (Obviously it is not worth it to fall, but it is worth to for us to hear about it to see how well he responded)

My friend!

When  the megillah of Lamaauvtani is read back in years from now, it will say there was a fall. But it will not be remembered as the day of a fall. It will be remembered as the day that you  started your ascent to new heights! Have spoken with you and being blown away by your true and strong passion to improve, I truly believe you will make this not a day of a fall, but a day of skyrocketing to greatness! (I hope to speak again with you soon) Greater then  ever  thought possible!!

Please keep us posted!
You are an inspiration to me!
You can do it and be"h you will do it !!

With Ahava Rabbah v"Aza
Jolly

As per hhm direction I'm not counting the fall as a fall but I think I'll still post what day I'm up to cause at this point I could use every drop of chizuk as I'm teetering on the edge as im meoid burnt of of that fight even though i know i cant afford to stop .there's really only one direction to take right now and thats to fully immerse myself in the fight of life which happens to include for a big part of it some disgusting lowly actions that gotta stop.   I made myself way to vulnerable to to many ppl in ways I never did in my life .and im having a hard time keeping the connection (as I've been living my whole life without real connections)but case  in point im finding it even more stressful as their my lifelines and without them im scared to know where I would be .  And the more I invest and take the relationship seriously  the more I have to be honest and straightforward which is flippin embarrassing to say the least . And I know I'll grow from this and it's going to make me into a real good honest pure person but right now it just feels so hard , especially after I spent the day lusting even though bh I didn't go to far.    But I just feel like a low piece of dirt right now and feel like I failed the mentoring system  as I never really call before an urge cause I'm to embarrassed and cause I really wanna do the aveira .       And I feel like I'm stuck in a YH that's much bigger then me right now.
     Feel free to ignore this post just need to express my thoughts a little   

So 27* days

lamaazavtuni wrote on 19 Mar 2025 00:23:

Dear lamaazavtuni, 

I am not sure if I am understanding you correctly, but what I am gathering from your words is that in addition to your struggles with lust, you are stressed out by these relationships. 

If that’s the case, perhaps it would be helpful to hear that if it’s stressing you out, maybe it’s okay to take a step back and reevaluate. If it’s causing you inner angst, and you keep pushing, you run the risk of having it all backfire on you somewhere down the line.

A relationship with a friend here need not be stressful, aderaba, it should be taken with a spoonful of sugar, it should be calming to know that someone understands you. 

Simply sending a text (no need to call if you’re really not in the mood ) to a nonjudgmental friend (even anonymously!) in a relaxed kind of way, “hey, this is what I’m thinking about,” etc, is a great way to get out of your own brain and get validation, and maybe some insight too. 

With some time, it really makes a difference!

Hope you have continued Hatzlacha! 

thank you youknowwho. could be your understanding me correctly could be not as im not in a state that i fully understand myself and am having a tumble of emotions whether their really happy really sad, confused ,mad ,angry ...... the list goes on and their not going in a clear order that makes sense which is making me more confused and a drop meyuish .     what i do feel though is that i reached such a low and cannot get out of it myself and bh with the help of the tzadikem that give up their time headspace energy ...  for me who before i called was a random yid that they never heard of or knew even remotely. yet they were\are their for me, and in ways i think i grew and imh will continue. BUT i did realize that  many times before ill talk to someone from gye ill get stressed and overall[btw this is totally my problem and has nothing to do with anybody iv spoken to as their doing everything right and I'm just the problem] i feel the need to impress these ppl\earn brownie points \show them how impressive of a person i am ....      which makes it a harder relationship to keep up from my end as it gives me nerven like all relationships i have  [all this obviously stems from my own insecurity's and low self esteem ]    THE ALTERNATIVE THOUGH is not really an option as if i didn't have this accountability and freinship i would probably just give everything up at some point [my life iv built for myself, marriage, anything iv worked to become ]  cause where I'm holding right now the yh s way to temping and the easy way out is way more feasible  than having to put in the hard work of fixing myself.  so that's basically my kvetch if I'm answering your answer correctly

*28 days clean

lamaazavtuni wrote on 19 Mar 2025 19:49:

What you are saying is, that you will forge ahead with these relationships, despite the stress it brings you, since you are afraid of the alternative. 

What I am saying is that I worry that if the modality of recovery you have chosen is causing you a lot of inner pain/stress/nervin, the whole thing can possibly backfire. You may start feeling even more resentful and meyuish as time goes on. 

Taking the time to think about the following concepts can perhaps ease your stress.

- The person you are talking to is nonjudgmental, no need to impress him...he himself has been there and done that too! Odds are, he is still struggling in some way. 

- It's much easier to just be real and natural with these kinds of relationships...let your "inner pervert" flow naturally. Best case scenario is he won't be meshadich with you, or even worse, he will never be maskim to be alone in one room with you due to fear of being harmed in some way or other...nu nu.  

Achieving sobriety is tough work as it is, but we don't have to abuse ourselves in the process. 

Take it easy, have some compassion on yourself... I hope you find some peace, it sounds like you are going through a lot of stormy emotions right now. Sounds really tough!!