After looking around for a short while I decided to write my own story too. It may be a little too long but its written to tell my tale of almost six years…
Just to start by bringing out my hakoras hatov to @iwlr and @minhamayim… for the life-saving phone calls and the fact that I am here today… only hashem can repay them for all the help.
It started when I was in 12th grade and I'll never forget this, I was dorming then and I dialed a Verizon 800 number what turns out to have been a wrong number, which took me to a promotion scam… which was really a v'idas znus phone line. I jumped when I first heard it but with all the shock I was in, I went straight down with it. I don’t remember what exactly happened but all I know is that it was the start of a long journey. In the beginning it obviously was not so often but as time passed it got more often and I got to figure out more numbers and so on. This is how I went on to yeshiva and this is how I went on to Eretz Yisroel. (I am reminded of a rare shl"sh schmooze of my r"m how 3 second look could result in shaul tachtis and I thought nobody probably understands and believes besides me). Like most of you probably I had better times and worse times, I think I even managed for a few months at certain times but overall I always spent time with this.
At one point I came home for bein hazmanim and I got hold of an unfiltered flip phone and… I ended going straight down with it. This ended up happening during a few bein hazmanim periods of which I blocked or broke that phone at the end or in middle of bein hazmanim. As I imagine was by most or the rest of you I made all types of kabboles and gedorim but nothing ended up with a long term result. (The truth is that I once called gye but the system sounded way too strange for me.) At some point when I was in Eretz Yisroel it got even further then a phone or p and m… I was obviously shaken up but I just didn’t see a way out. Every struggle and e-hatzlacha I had was blamed on this and every time I did teshuva, davened, cryed or said tehilim it was almost all with this sugya in mind, but I still couldn't see my way out. Every compliment or accomplishment was thrown off, 'I wish' or 'if only you would know' and the similar were all that I thought about. I live with the thought of 'because of the avieres I messed up on the sugya' and if I did get somewhere 'imagine where I could have gotten' and that’s what it was in gashmiyes too. (I do remember now how I would win the battle once or more when I was in the middle of a hard sugya with the thought that I’ll never have any hatzlacha if I’ll be doing such aveiros but the other times it started the opposite and it was a cycle of falls in kedusha and basic issues one bringing the other…) but being honest I would blame most battles on just wanting.. But all the guilt and feelings never got me out of the mud. So many hachlotes and so many sacrifices were made, so many times did I scream 'hashem I can't anymore' 'don’t you see what's going on? 'why are you giving me these nisyoinos if you see I can't make it' but I am still in the same place and even worse, it's just that nothing seemed to work. It’s an unbelievable feeling of literally siting under a mountain of rock and mud with the worst avieres trying to climb out with no success.
And when I did win the fight, I had the other set of thoughts jump in 'why do I feel so depressed even after not giving in?' 'I was moiser nefesh this time hashem send me some type of simen' and on top of all were the waves of thoughts 'how can I pretend to be a ben torah with this secret? 'how can I deceive everyone I know that I am sitting and learning when it's not worth anything?
Bh I came back to America to BMG and I saw the sign hanging. A sign of hope that hopefully has and will continue to change my life. From the first time I saw it till the phone call was a while and I don’t know how much I believed it have an effect but bh I was so wrong. @Iwlr has walked me the first steps and a new light started shining in this dark narrow alleyway. I got in touch with @minhamayim which took me on a ride and on the highest roller coaster ever emotionally. I am still a bit dizzy and spinning but I feel like I am being pulled out if the ocean.
I am close to hitting 30 days now. It's not for the first time but I am very hopeful that’s it’s the last time. And its all from these relationships I leaned of that are keeping me going, and I ask you all to help me and not let go of me and to be mechazek me, this time before I can fall again.
