Good morning. I entered this page 5 years ago and I never dared to write in the forum. I'm still on this journey with ups and downs (more downs than ups lately). I understand the importance of talking to someone about the topic, but I don't have anyone I trust. I am Spanish speaking and I don't speak English very well, but in the English version I feel that sometimes I get more inspiring material although after so many years I haven't gotten lasting inspiration. Many times it has caused me to throw in the towel, but deep down I know that I must continue.

My life is a constant stress, I am in charge of my family (a wife and two children, the youngest is 6 months old), as well as my mother and my aunt who depend on me. I try to serve everyone, dedicate time to everyone, but still most people are not satisfied. There is tension between my wife and my mother and maintaining that balance is exhausting. Obviously in moments of greater stress it is easier to fall.

I set the goal that this year would be the year of my redemption, I started very motivated, but yesterday I had a new fall.

I have tried several things but there is always a difficulty. I uninstalled Instagram, and I have installed and uninstalled Twitter several times (it is a platform with which I entertain myself by watching news) because I understand that it can be a trigger for a fall. I have installed filters like netspark and now canopy, however, I have the problem that several bank pages do not allow me to use it when the filter is active, and so I have to deactivate it frequently.

I have been able to change several things in my life 10 years ago, for example, when I understood the sensitivity of Lashon Hara, from one day to the next, I stopped uttering obscene words, I stopped criticizing people, I always try to think well of others. The same thing happened, for example, with the mixture of meat and cheese, in a single day I made the decision and I have fully fulfilled the commandment.

I have prayed to the Eternal to enlighten my mind so that I could understand in such a clear and firm way the seriousness of this sin, but he did not succeed. There are always ways to ignore any reasoning and of course the feeling of guilt comes later.

I feel embarrassed with HaShem and disappointed with myself, for not having found the intellectual way to understand the seriousness of the situation, which obviously, I think, would allow me to be firm in my decision. On one occasion I saw the movie A Beautiful Mind and I was shocked how that man in the midst of his schizophrenia could reason that the girl in his visions never grew up, therefore, she couldn't be real. How I have longed to have that clarity in my reasoning.

I have little space in my life to sit and reflect and pray. I get up very early to prepare my eldest son's things for school, then I go to work, I return in the afternoon and take my son to martial arts some days and others to piano classes, I return from those activities to take care of my daughter minor and I take care of her at dawn so that my wife can rest. At night I try to pray but many times I fall asleep. However, activities such as viewing social networks or prohibited pages do keep me awake, obviously in the midst of fatigue it is much easier to predict.

Sometimes I wish I could go back to the times when cell phones didn't exist. Staying clean I think would be easier in those circumstances. Sometimes I would like to reduce the workload, but I support so many people and I also don't have the support of my brother, that I lack emuna to trust that the support will come the same even if I work less.

Well, I have written many things, trying to vent. thank you so much.

It is almost Shabbos by me so I can't elaborate.

Please reach out to the general over here, HHM, his email is michelgelner@gmail.com. He will get back to you with his phone number. Your post came out very nice so I can't imagined your English is too bad.

It's a brave step, but I promise you it's worth it.

Have a good Shabbos.

Thank you so much for posting.

There is so much here. I really should post a longer response but I am worried that if I wait until I have the time to formulate the response that you deserve I will end up not not responding at all.

For now I will just say that hashem truly loves you no matter what - you should always know that you have a loving father who is excited when you turn to him. Even if you fell.

In addition, because hashem loves you so much, he put these challenges in your life. They are your opportunity to grow. Keep fighting and keep growing. You would not be able to achieve this growth in a world without technology and cellphones.

I hope you will stay here and develop a connection with those on this forum as this will help give you the strength to continue and win in this struggle.

Best wishes for great success
Vehkam

I can only echo what the others have posted.
Give yourself a hug for the courage to post!
Reach out to the tzadikim here and be'h you will see much success.

Hello dear Brother newman,

Thank you for posting. You must be quite special to shoulder so many responsibilities. It is important to also take care of yourself - in order to be able to continue supporting others in a healthy way. 

I might be speaking above my paygrade here, but I don't think intellect is the answer. What we think about often comes from what we are interested in, and our interests find their source in our will. You can know that you should stop, and you can even want to stop, but you also need to have a constant will to live that is stronger than your will to destress for just a couple minutes. If your will is drained by fatigue, intellect alone will not likely be enough to make a clear choice, because it conflicts with your interest to let go for a moment.

You are incredible for all your efforts, and you should not feel embarrassed. If anything Hashem sees and knows better than anyone the burden you carry and the work you are putting in. He is proud of you, and YOU should feel proud of yourself.

I hope to hear more from you. Your care and drive are inspiring. 
All the best

Welcome!!

Here you'll find hope to break free - forever!!

Stick around, learn around the ropes, and feel the support of everyone here!

Muttel

I THINK YOU HAVE SAID SOMETHING IMPORTANT. I AM VERY TIRED AND MAYBE PART OF THE FIGHT INVOLVES HAVING ENOUGH EMUNA TO TRUST HASHEM'S PARNASSAH AND THUS REDUCE THE FATIGUE A LITTLE. I WILL PRAY FOR THIS TOO. THANK YOU SO MUCH

Shalom Brother Newman,
How are things going? Please stay in touch.

Kol Tov

TODAY I HAD A FALL AGAIN AND I AM WORRIED BECAUSE I DID NOT FEEL AS BAD AS ON OTHER OPPORTUNITIES. I DIDN'T BE ABLE TO DEFINE WHETHER IT'S BECAUSE I'M HOPEFUL THAT I WILL GET OUT OF THIS ONE DAY OR IT'S THAT I'M BECOME INSENSITIVE TO THE SITUATION WHICH WILL MAKE ME SINK EVEN MORE. I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW IF ANYONE HAS EVER FELT LIKE THIS, AND WHICH OF THE TWO POSSIBILITIES IS THE MOST LIKELY?

I'll be honest. I've been in the latter headspace. I don't think it's so crucial to identify what it is exactly, just get back up and on the truck!

Do you have an accountability partner to speak to? That's a game changer...

My heart is with you!
I know so well the feeling of falling and feeling bad that I don't feel bad.
​The feelings are so normal! .The YH makes it feel more acceptable to us when we repeat. (Nasis loi k'heter)
But I think the other feeling also has merit. More merit. 
In reality, the fact that you are here already puts you ahead!. You have every reason to be confident that with S"D, time, and speaking with the great Tzadikim who can help you will be successful.
Then you will for sure feel good about it as the avonos turns into zechuyos!

Hatzlacha Rabbah!!