hi im 26 yo im in shidduchim for over 2 years. ive had alot of ups and downs but im still trying. it all started very young i grew up in a terrible way i was beaten by my parents curesd at and really put down by my parents and family. i was never the good kid anywhere. in school i was bullyed and i had no friends so im living here loanly as a child everyone hates me i felt like garbage it was around 7 when someone started tol ike me and connect with me it was a family member and then he started to molest me every week multiple times a week but atleast i had a connection nobody else liked me i then got molested a few times by a different guy in shu.l now this ruined my sexuality i began to be really confused sexually i was half way attracted to men but not really and was overly attracted to women. when i was 12 i started using the family computer making emails watch videos and then googling basic stuff until i eventually discovered p***n. i then started watching every day i got an ipod and would watch every day a few times a day i went to isreal when i was 18 and struggled for hours a day. someone found out about my family situation and i flew back and went to thearpy for a few months it got a little bit better but i was still watching every day i continued therapy and went back to isreal until i was 23. i worked very hard and was only watching a few times  a week it was slowly getting bit by bit year by year a little better i began locking all my devices and now i can go for a few weeks without but i always figure out ways to watch every few weeks i watch for hours. the mas****** got a bit better aswell. i now try my best to go a few days without but when i fall i fall hard a few times and feel death the next day.. it sorta saved me from leaving this world because i felt like i had a connection even now my family situation is not good i dont have many friends or connections with anyone. this is my friend but my biggest enemy aswll but how do i leave my only best friend when i have nothing eles i feel nobody likes me im loanly its not humanly possible to live like this and this is my only way to survive i hate it and i want to change but its in gods hands now im doing everything i could.....thank you for reading

Your story is painful to read. Feel assured that you have friends here who only want to help you and feel free to PM me.
there are plenty of ressources here that can help !

Ouch! My friend, my heart goes out for you! What a painful childhood, and adulthood! I'm so sorry for your pain. 
My friend, even from the little that you wrote, I hope you realize how proud you should be of yourself! You obviously grew a lot, you got better even at these struggles. Man, you have put in a lot of work, worked past really tough stuff, uphill the whole time! You are an amazing person. This is a great place where you can learn to be even better, but never forget what a special person you are!
Stick around, read some threads, connect to some good guys. And, keep working with a therapist, my friend. You have been challenged, and you need to get the help that there is. 
Looking forward to hearing more from you!

I am heart broken reading your post! It is amazing that you carry on with all that! I am definitely not  at the stage yet to help with the p**n but I can tell you that as someone who is new on the forum, that the people here are not just good ppl but amazing!!n They are so non- judgemental and caring it is truly inspiring!  If you want to,you can email me . As said I do not think I am qualified to help yet but I can definitely commiserate. Stay strong!

Wow, your story sounds like a real lot, as others have mentioned, and I'm sorry that you had to go through such painful experiences.
You are really brave for continuing to fight this battle after all that you went through, and I respect you so much just for that.

Keep up the great work, continue posting on the forum if you feel comfortable and feel free to reach out directly for support.

Remember, We are all here for you!!!!!

Much love


Smokey 

I’m bh like 6 days clean I’m doing good I realized tonight I’m taking a leap into darkness each time I stop masterbaition or porn I get into a place where I don’t feel ok porn and masterbaition is the solution and without that I feel A lot of difficult emotions. Hopefully it will lead me to a place where I can get everything I need to feel ok with out going to a solution witch is helpful but painful 

R' relirsom, I have nothing to offer but some tears  and a shoulder for you to lean on when needed, also a ear to chew off if you ever need to vent.

so sorry for your plight, but at the same time see your courage.

keep it up and keep us posted
With love, hope and confidence in you
Akiva 

Welcome heiliger tzadik. 

You are carrying a tremendous burden on your small shoulders and your story is hard to read. I can't imagine what it's like to have that emotional pain all these years. 
And to have these things done by people you know and trusted sounds extremely painful too. 

You have to remember that for what was done TO you, you hear no responsibility for. 
(Why these things happen, we cannot know)
Many of us are on the receiving end of some horrific challenges. These are Godly things. God has chosen us to have these things happen to us. 
Although extremely painful, our job is to take what we have and use it going forward. 

I'm starting to maybe understand what the purpose was of Hashem giving me my challenges. 
This is my new perspective. 
If in 6 months time, you found a way to change your life, if you found a way to 'be normal' and be strong, and then use your newfound knowledge to help others, would you be happier? For sure. 

A few months ago, I was lost, broken, struggling, staggering under a mountain of pain. A mountain of suffering. 
My life was in a terrible place. 
BH with the help of Mishpachas GYE, I am in a completely different place. 
I am 72 days clean. 
I can promise you that 72 days ago, I KNEW WITH 100% CLARITY that I would be carrying this burden for the rest of my life. 
Nothing you could tell me would have convinced me otherwise. It was true same as I have five fingers, I was absolutely sure this was my burden to take to the grave. Fast forward 72 days, I have completely changed things around. 
Am I perfect? No! 
Is my life perfect and smooth? Nope! 
But I have broken free from the grasps of my personal struggle with PandM. 
I no longer have any interest in going back to that way of life. 

I'll reach out to you via PM but I wanted to share with you here that hope and salvation is available and accessible. 
Stick around and learn from the wonderful 'regular' yidden on this site who maybe won't give you life changing advice, but will give you life changing love, warmth, hope, friendship.tyats what they gave me and that's what was able to give me the hope to change.

May Hashem bless you on your new journey and may you have the strength to pull through the rough times. 
Yesh tikvah

Odyossefchai 

You are an amazing person for being on this site. A person who has been through what you have been through and is still fighting like you are must have truly exceptional kochos

Hi everyone bh making progress trying not for perfection but just to grow.

i was reading a heartbreaking Forum today of a man who struggles with p&m he was breaking himself for 150 days so he can save his marriage he really fought his heart out to save it and in the end he got divorced he then made a post saying that he is pretty much changed his lifestyle and no longer wants to fight. this is painful to read I can’t imagine someone experiencing what he did. this got me thinking. P&m are the symptoms of tremendous turmoil going on in our emotions and thoughts either because of lacking connection or because of something simple like not liking what you do on a day-to-day basis p&m helps to make us feel ok. Witch is really sad but true. but sometimes I can’t help but see that we can cause this to ourselves we cause ourselves to feel pain if we were to really in our hearts want to stay clean we probably can. Each person is different but why do we make ourselves suffer why do we feel that it’s not ok to be happy and live a life understanding that g-d loves us and only does the best for us and everything in our life is good or for good even this annoying challenge I think we need to Focus more of our strength on reducing pain Which caused or cause us to feel a need for p&m and to brainwash ourselves to understand that it’s ok to live a happy life and to have good in our life. It’s good to have good we’re in this world to live not to survive.

wow you are so Brave to open up about your struggles, I'm feel so sad you had to experience such trauma!  On this site you'll find amazing people that are kind, compassionate, understanding and caring.  Your 100% in the right place, we all care about you, we are in this together.