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Help! I can't believe I'm writing this
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TOPIC: Help! I can't believe I'm writing this 750 Views

Re: Help! I can't believe I'm writing this 26 Sep 2024 13:48 #422422

  • chosemyshem
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gibor1836 wrote on 26 Sep 2024 00:32:
Take two: Thank you all for the welcome and kind words. My hard copy of Battle of the Generation arrived yesterday. Reading an entire book off of a screen just would not work for me. I started reading it so we'll see where that takes me. There's also a new book called Breaking Free that just came out by Shaya Ostrov, published by our very own GYE and distributed by Judaica Press. Was wondering if anyone knows anything about that. I've been watching the F2F videos as well but have been having trouble actually implementing the exercises. That's where the real work is. I just forget about it during the rest of the day.
I wanted to speak about a specific area of my struggle that I think many people can relate to. I work in retail and deal with and see a lot of people every day. Many of those people are females. Some of those females are quite attractive. Whether or not they are dressed tzniusdik I find myself checking out every single one and logging a rating in my brain. I hope I don't sound too much like a creep but point is after a whole day of this it can be very difficult to not want to search for more online at night. Especially if I see something that I find particularly arousing. (And that's besides for the shemiras einayim problem involved at the time.) This was not as big of an issue in yeshiva and in kollel (not as big, but still an issue) but now this is part of my nisayon. Does anyone have any tips for this?

"Watching the videos but trouble implementing the exercises."
Can totally, one hundred percent, relate to that. I can't say that I really stuck with many of those techniques, but one thing that I found helpful was practicing the techniques outside the time of an urge. To give an example, say you want to use urge surfing. So set a time and practice that on whatever non-sexual urge or feeling you're feeling at that time. It's much easier and it becomes a more habitual response you can pull out of your pocket when needed.

I'm very curious about that book as well. Someone said he was gonna review it but has yet to come through. Alas. 

Attractive women at work. Mmm, yeah. That's a problem.

I wish you had asked questions I had answers to, instead of just problems I also have. Some people will say humanize them. I never quite figured that out. Some people will say think about how terrible they are. I also never quite figured that one out either. 

Here's what I've tried that wasn't helpful: blaming them, stewing on it, feeling resentful against Hashem for putting them in my way.

Here's what I've tried that was helpful: not getting hung up on what I see at work and putting in the work on lust generally without focusing on this one specific area.

Hatzlacha and keep on truckalating

Re: Help! I can't believe I'm writing this 09 Oct 2024 00:41 #422991

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Day 1 again. Had a nice little streak going but had a few rough days. Just the little bit of writing I did here and feeling part of a "chevra" was such a chizzuk. Even though I haven't reached out to anyone personally there's still this feeling that people are rooting for you and you don't want to let the oilam down. Rosh Hashana was a little bit rough to be honest. A lot of tension with the in-laws made those 3 days not so enjoyable. So Motzei Shabbos my streak came crashing down. It was my way of unwinding. (Maybe I have to find another way to unwind). The GYE website was not working properly for me for some reason so I didn't have the satisfaction of seeing my streak or the chizzuk from the forums. Yesterday I was having some issues with my filter company and in the process of trying to fix something they turned off the filter. It was supposed to be turned back on but it was off the whole day. Of course I was just checking to make sure the filter was working properly... it wasn't. So that made last night kind of like a rock bottom. So trying to get back on track today. 
P.S. Do I do a 90 challenge? Is that too ambitious? What's the mehalach?

Re: Help! I can't believe I'm writing this 09 Oct 2024 01:11 #422993

  • proudyungerman
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gibor1836 wrote on 09 Oct 2024 00:41:
Day 1 again. Had a nice little streak going but had a few rough days. Just the little bit of writing I did here and feeling part of a "chevra" was such a chizzuk. Even though I haven't reached out to anyone personally there's still this feeling that people are rooting for you and you don't want to let the oilam down. Rosh Hashana was a little bit rough to be honest. A lot of tension with the in-laws made those 3 days not so enjoyable. So Motzei Shabbos my streak came crashing down. It was my way of unwinding. (Maybe I have to find another way to unwind). The GYE website was not working properly for me for some reason so I didn't have the satisfaction of seeing my streak or the chizzuk from the forums. Yesterday I was having some issues with my filter company and in the process of trying to fix something they turned off the filter. It was supposed to be turned back on but it was off the whole day. Of course I was just checking to make sure the filter was working properly... it wasn't. So that made last night kind of like a rock bottom. So trying to get back on track today. 

Golden piece of knowledge you have here, my dear friend...
I too had to find a new pacifier, and also learn to love myself.
BH, after speaking to some of the tzaddikim on this site, I am now in a rockin' awesome place!

P.S. Do I do a 90 challenge? Is that too ambitious? What's the mehalach?

I spoke to HHM (Hashem Help Me), the mentor-in-chief, one of the warmest, nicest people you will ever speak to, who has helped hundreds. I'd recommend asking him this question. He is reachable at michelgelner@gmail.com
(P.S. eerie, IWLR, Muttel, chaimoigen, yiftach, Shem, amevakesh are also great:smiley:)
Feel free to reach out and say hi!
proudyungerman@gmail.com
406-219-8398

My Journey:
guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/406231-The-Real-Me

Re: Help! I can't believe I'm writing this 09 Oct 2024 11:35 #423023

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gibor1836 wrote on 09 Oct 2024 00:41:
 Rosh Hashana was a little bit rough to be honest. A lot of tension with the in-laws made those 3 days not so enjoyable. So Motzei Shabbos my streak came crashing down. It was my way of unwinding. (Maybe I have to find another way to unwind). 


It is an interesting statistic how many guys fall or come very close to falling on Motzai Rosh HaShana, Motzai Yom Kippur, Motzai Simchas Torah, Shavuos after Vasikin, after one's child's chasuna, and other such zmanim.  Pshat? One has never learned healthy self-regulation tools. All of the above mentioned times are tension filled times (Good stress, but stress nonetheless). Guys simply do not know how to process that. They need to release and have taught themselves that the only way to do so is with their penis. I struggled with this immensely and was convinced i was a rasha - Motzai Yom Kippur?! I learned it is not a lust problem, it is a "pacifier" problem. Buddy, you will be ok b'ezras Hashem. With a little time and education you can simply stop these behaviors completely. Not for 30 days or 90 days. Forever.
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: Help! I can't believe I'm writing this 09 Oct 2024 15:32 #423028

  • chaimoigen
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I'm very curious about that book as well. Someone said he was gonna review it but has yet to come through. Alas.



The book Breaking Free by Rabbi Ostrov has a lot of great points and good inspiration. He’s a wonderful person. 

 I think people can be helped by the book. I do not like to rain on anyone’s parade. But if you’re here on this site, I feel I ought to say this. In my humble opinion the information in the whole book contains a lot, but not all, of the content contained in a single, long, good conversation with HHM. (It’s missing a big part because Rabbi Ostrov does not  talk that much about rewiring and retraining oneself from erroneous misconceptions about sexuality, marriage, and relationships. Just about how to view yourself and your battles and life). And a book doesn’t have the human element (though Rabbi Ostrov recommends going to GYE and getting a partner/mentor to work the book with).  A conversation with a person is just different and can help in so many different ways.

(QUALIFIER: I did not actually DO the meditations. It’s possible that the meditations could provide a big impact for someone who is ready to do them in a way that I can’t evaluate. I have a lot of respect for Rabbi Ostrov. I know he’s helped a lot of people.) 

Here’s my main point: If you haven’t yet, reach out and talk someone. A real live person who has been there before, understands what you’re going through, and isn’t afraid to help you - that’s worth more than 1,000 books. But, hey, that just, like, my opinion. 
Please feel free to reach out anytime at chaim.oigen@gmail.com
Last Edit: 09 Oct 2024 17:57 by chaimoigen.

Re: Help! I can't believe I'm writing this 09 Oct 2024 18:04 #423033

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Anyone have a pdf version of the book?

Re: Help! I can't believe I'm writing this 09 Oct 2024 19:01 #423036

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Today is yesterday's tomorrow.
The yetzarim a person has the most trouble dealing with are his most powerful God-given tools for developing his potential and achieving shleimus.
In order to love who you are, you cannot hate the experiences that shaped you.
It doesn't matter how big the number is, only that today it is going up by one.

A little about what I'm doing here: guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/412971-I-Want-to-Help-Others
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