Until 90 days ago...

P&M was a central part of my life.
Any passing woman was a trigger.
Any trigger meant the end of my day, for if I can't do anything now, at least I can fantasize and walk around like a zombie, till I get to bed at night.
Getting into bed, meant waiting and waiting pretending to preparing worksheets for my students, until my wife fell asleep.
Wife falling asleep, meant p... for a few hours.
P... meant M... as many times as possible till I felt dead and just couldn't move so I just fell asleep.
The Nida period, was easily passable by P&M.
And yet:
I thought my marriage is great.
I loved (read: being in bed with) my wife.
I satisfied her {read: MY} needs.

Then 90 days ago:

I joined this great, warm, loving family.
HHM bopped me over the head with his sledgeammer, calling me a cheater, cheating not against, but IN my wife.
I committed to change.
I fought my shame, and called a bunch of strangers for help.
I fought my fear {absolutely not true, I was never judged at all, and our dear friends here were more than happy to have such a nudgy patient, but I just had that fear} of being judged for what I've done, and for being such a nudgy patient calling every few minutes, freaking out because I saw someone, and maybe I'll get triggered.

90 days later:

P&M is gone.
Passing women are just regular human beings, no different then the beautiful birds flying around that don't trigger me.
Triggers stress and anxiety now mean calling a good GYE friend.
My marriage was never anything close to what it currently is.
WE (the "I" is done hopefully never to return) looooooove each other, to no end.
WE are one person & one heart with two bodies.
The Nida period, is an extremely emotional separation period, hard {still working on this}, yet a time to get ready for our remarriage {chaza"l really coming to life} after it's over.

My life and marriage changed 180 degrees, at some point early on in this journey, my wife strated to sense that something massive is happening in our marriage, I freaked out and quickly called HHM, so he called me when I was with my wife and "recruited" me to help others, so I can now be open with her, I'll just say this, I never loooooved my wife wife, like I do, now, I'm now so emotionally connected to her, I used to use her to satisfy myself, now I have minimal desire for s*x, I love the connection to her, so much so that I'm more than satisfied to just sit or lay close to her and just feel the looooove flowing between us without anything lustful or sexual.

Which brought me to a new understanding of the chaza"l Isha Ateres Bailah, I've suddenly come to see how much she's brought out of me, how much just being her husband, built me to become who I am today, as R' AKIVA said "Sheli veshelachem shelah hu", and I cry for the missed opportunity of all those years of our marriage till 90 days ago, for not being so close to her, acknowledging what she's done to/for me, and feeling her love.

I'm not here to write a love story, I'm just trying to point out that without HHM'S sledghammer, I would've never gotten to the place I currently am, even if I would've just fought the P&M, I would've been clean and maybe even gotten a bit closer to my wife, but the "I" would've still existed in our relationship, and to be honest with myself {I know not everything works for everyone, but it did work for me}, the only thing legitimately holding me back from P&M would've been my commitment, which can easily fade away, but now I have a crazy excitement, adrenalin, and motivation, to win and conquer this beast, it's not just a commitment to keep clean, but a deep loving relationship with my wife, which I fear not to jeopardize.

Also I've come to the realization that hashem gave me this eiver to use as a form for the deepest emotional connection possible, in the world, which can't be misused for lust or P&M, just like I can't walk on my hands, I can't use this eiver for lust, it'll only make me feel terrible, disgusted with myself, and will kill the real point of marriage.

Now I know that I'm only a human being, and things might not stay this way forever, or maybe even not for long, but at least after tasting the real thing, I now have an address to put in to my GPS, when I c"v fall or have a hard time, I at least know where I want to get too.

So my fellow GYE brothers I have no words to thank you for where you all {yes you the reader} have brought me too, for my new changed life, and most of all for my new marriage, me and my wife equally, feel like we remarried and are now in our shanah rishonah, just that this time it's a non-lustful one and it's a very deep relationship. I couldn't have done this without you guys, so thank you from the depths of my & my wifes heart's, you have brought us so much closer to each other.

I can only wish all of you the best life and may you all achieve all of the above, in your marriages, and in your P&M struggle.

With overflowing love Akiva