A big issue I face (besides for porn itself) is the fear and resentment I experience after I fall. Please feel free to correct me, but the way I understand it is that I'll either be punished here or in the Next World, and the best I can hope for is being punished here so I can get more Olam Haba, I don't know how teshuva factors in: is it like I never did the sin or does teshuva make it that instead of being punished in Olam Haba I get kapara here? Also even if I have that answer, something that adds to the frustration is how do I even know if my teshuva was mikabel?

Basically all this amounts to me, after falling, walking around with this fear that "Ok great, this is how Gd is gonna get me after what I did". Like for example, let's say I watch p and then I have a flight the next day, it'll probably cross my mind that maybe the flight will go down or something. Or maybe if I'm slated to give a speech, daven for the amud, or go to some social thing, I'll be nervous that Gd will make me mess up somehow or send a shliach to embarrass me so I can get kaparah so I can get more Olam Haba (that's assuming that I like learned a bunch or something so I reason that I deserve kaparah as opposed to just losing some Olam Haba). A big example of this is that I have a semi-major operation coming up and I'm afraid that I've lowered my chances of a successful operation/recovery because I watched so much p recently. (I'm not completely gripped or convinced by this fear, like I'm able to question it, but it is definitely convincing enough to cause distress). Edit to include another way this manifests: Dating. Every time I fall I'm like, "ok, now there's no way I'm gonna get a good girl". Again, not totally taken by this fear, I know on some level its yetzer hara, but is still very bothersome. 

Walking around like this and having this mentality is exhausting and makes me resent Gd. A lot of times it makes me think, "Why don't I just give it up and indulge? Why do I subject myself to this game of cat and mouse? I know people who were religious, and based on rational arguments , are now completely OTD and do whatever they want, why don't I just join them?"

I've heard the answer that its not a game of cat and mouse, and that Gd is not out to get us, rather Gd has provided us with a gym where we're given the opportunity to become ubermenschen, but its not easy to inculcate this answer on an emotional (and therefore day to day) level. I also know that if I did just give it all up and did whatever I wanted I'd be miserable (one reason being the guilt, which itself becomes another source of resenting Gd [You put this guilt in me!] ). I think I've pretty much ultimately concluded in a resigned way that Judaism is my best bet at a great life, I just resent the fact that it is. 

Looking for support and a healthier way of understanding Judaism. 

Also I have OCD so there's that

Sincerely, 

[my current username]