minhamayim" wrote on 02 Oct 2024 14:33:
Lichvod Reb IWLR,
A huge belated Mazel tov on this tremendous milestone!
Nothing I can possibly write here can do justice to the amount of hakaras hatov i have for what you've done for me.
A drop less than three months ago, I was drowning in an ocean of mud. The undercurrent was pulling me down deeper and deeper as I watched myself crossing lines I had always thought were simply uncrossable.
I had always knows that my lust struggle affected me (and my family) on every level but I simply had no idea how to properly address it. I tried to deal with it by making firm commitments and basically just desperately hoping that it would just go away so that I could finally start living a truly productive life. But the problem was only getting worse. And then it started to really spiral out of control.
I never thought for a second that my yeshua would come about the way that it did. Actually connecting to others about this was for me an unfathomable concept. I thought that even if I would be able to muster up the guts to share everything about my struggle with someone, no one would truly understand me. I figured that anyone else that was busy with the garbage that I was busy with must not really be interested in changing. And people who were struggling and wanted desperately to get help, just couldn't be as deep in as I was. As I'm writing this I'm realizing how conceited that sounds. But think it I did. Boy was I wrong.
When I came on gye around 3 months ago, until then I had never properly checked out the site. For some reason, because of the device I was using and its settings, I couldn't fully view the forums and therefore had no idea that there were actual real people like me active here. Bchasdei Hashem, I did find the partner program though and desperately, although a bit skeptically, submitted my request for a partner.
Iwlr, you are constantly on the lookout for someone else that can be rescued from the depths of despair and loneliness. On the forums, the partner and mentor program, your BMG signs, and most recently your tremendous undertaking of raising awareness amongst the rabbanim.
Its not surprising that it was you who first found me and reached out. Not a few hours after submitting my partner request we began our conversation via email. Then, that first phone conversation when I almost immediately guessed who you were by your voice.
My dear longtime friend iwlr,
My eyes are tearing as I write this. Imagine we would have known all those years ago what Hashem really had in mind. That close childhood friendship was, like everything else, the yad Hashem orchestrating His master plan. I think about the beginning. The events that led to your parents move... Our fathers' friendship... Our shared hobbies and interests.... (Even the fact that I was and always will be better than you at kugelach)
I truly feel Hashem holding my hand. Its all so clear. After so many lonely years of crying painful tears, in one moment He allowed me a glimpse of His constant presence.
You were with me that night. We experienced it together and neither of us will ever forget it.
May the gilui hashkacha pratis we were both zoche to witness this year be with us throughout this Rosh Hashanah as we daven that the world's sheker, distractions, and confusion come to an end so that all will be able to proclaim with inner calm and joy
ה' אלוקי ישראל מלך ומלכותו בכל משלה
From the bottom of my heart, I wish you, everyone here on gye, and the entire klal yisroel a כתיבה וחתימה טובה and a gut gebenched yur!!
Your close friend,
MinHamayim
That meeting with iwlr was on a thursday night, I knew right then and there that I was going to start to change in a big way and that a new era in my life had just begun.
That being said, I'm sad to admit that my first clean day wasn't until a few days later. During those few days I found myself being able to sin almost guiltlessly, knowing that I was on the verge of turning myself around. (Echteh veashuv?) I realize now what that means. My motivation to change all along was not fear of sin as much as it was a craving for stability, true connection, not being able to handle the contradiction, etc.
It's a little disappointing to know this about myself although it's not really a chiddush to me. I do not think any of this is the yetzer hara talking because my determination to continue to grow and succeed in this area is as strong as ever. I just needed to call it out.
This is real growth and Hashem in His overabundant mercy continues to show me that He's right alongside me every step of the way....
Tomorrow Night is Yom kippur.
Tomorrow night will also bezh be my 90'th clean day.
Gmar chasima tova,
Minhamayim
