Hi, After spending a long time reading through all the forums and seeing some amazing people I finally decided to create my own name and post.

My story is probably like many others. I grew up in a relatively functional home. Went to all the top yeshiva's in the US and E"Y. Married the best girl etc.

But I have been holding in a big secret a part of myself I am so ashamed to share. The Tumah has entered my mind and I feel I can't stop. I have tried therapy but it just didn't work. I have also read many of the great books I have come across here in the forums.

Wherever I turn I need to watch my eyes as my tayvos are everywhere. Once in a while even on my side of the mechitzah. (Back in Yeshiva, I had this a few times too)  To me that is the most shameful part when it happens every once in a while, luckily not all the time.

I know Hashem chose this all for me as my Nisoyon in life. I am hoping to hear from some of you and how you were able to crawl out of the P&M rabbit hole. I decided I don't want this anymore.

Thats it for now, I guess I will write some more a different time.

Welcome! There's nothing to be ashamed about. Its totally normal to have desires. Stick around and learn how to deal with them. You got this!

Welcome to the family! As you must have discovered while checking this place out, there are many wonderful things here that can help. When you ask what helped me, I'd say posting details of my struggle was the first good step, and then reaching out to many good friends. How does reaching out help? Well, even if I don't know why and how, fact is it helped. A little I do understand, the power of opening up a secret, of having somebody to share with. Then, hearing somebody's perspective. Getting practical advice. And just being in this together with others
So, take it slowly, and remember that we are here for you. We care, we want to see you succeed.
Stick around, you'll go far beH!

Hi and Welcome! 

I shared many of those feelings just over a week ago. Like my dear *friend eerie asked aloud, why would reaching out help?! It's a question meant for professionals, BUT IT HELPS! 

I held in my secret until very recently. Felt the shame, guilt and regret for a LONG time. However, when your secret and your thoughts are articulated on these forums, you may feel the same relieving feelings I am now feeling. More so, reaching out to the angels here can benefit to better understand your struggle and help form a path forward.

Your feelings are shared by so many of us here. I can just tell you from someone who literally JUST had these same questions not too long ago... take a deep breath, you're in good company here. When you feel ready --- REACH OUT to the angles! You'll forever be blessing yourself!

- Little Yiftach'l

Hi there and welcome to the family! You've certainly come to the right place, and yes a lot of us went to "the" top yeshivos in US and "the" top yeshiva in EY.

I too had been to therapy and when that didn't help much I pretty much gave up on ever getting out the the rabbit hole. I just continued living my life... going to yeshiva 3 sedorim, learning a bit davening a bit and pounding pornography during every in between second.

What helped me most was reaching out to others and connecting with guys who have similar backgrounds and stories as myself. Speaking to someone who looks like me and is doing the same daily schedule as me and also struggling with these things really taught me how this struggle affects everyone and that I shouldn't carry all that shame around on my shoulders. Another thing that really helped was reading the battle of the generation book by hillel s. This book totally changed my mindset in what life is, what struggles are, and how to deal with the struggles in the proper way.

All the best
Hatzlacha Meruba

Thanks. I appreciate the feedback. There’s much flying around my head I’m not really sure where to start. I’ve carried all this shame on my shoulders for a long time. 

Aside for the above, the Flight to Freedom program and daily check-in are basics.

Welcome buddy. Hang around; you will be relieved to be understood in a way no therapist can. By fellow strugglers who BH broke free.

Welcome!

As ASY pointed out there's nothing to be ashamed with desires though it is understandable that you are ashamed with them as many of us. I can't say that I'm no more ashamed with my desires but I can say that I'm much more comfortable with them than I used to be, speaking them out or writing them down (even for myself) helped me accept them. I'm a proud jew that loves to watch sweet porn, lust after women and masturbate, I also desire my wife to wear certain stuff..... - fact. as long as I don't act out on that desire it totally OK. Silence is the oxygen of shame.

Wishing you all the best!
True self