Hi,

I'm here to introduce myself. So I guess I'll start with "my story" to where I am today. 

I grew up in a modern orthodox family and went to a similar school. I grew up with a tv in the house and my parents always made sure to watch mostly kosher movies. I got an iPod with unfiltered internet access in 6th grade (maybe 5th) and I would mainly use it on the bus to and from school. I think it was in 7th grade that I heard kids talking about inappropriate content and I'm not sure exactly how I started p&m but either I found it on my phone or because of what I had heard in school I looked it up, etc. I don't really know how but I know I started. And it really stuck with me. And into high school I still struggled with it and I didn't tell anyone because I was embarrassed. I know that I really started to feel bad about doing it probably in 9th grade. And I felt it making my thoughts more sexual and more things would trigger sexual thoughts. 
I'd love to say I started exploring filters in early high school, but frankly I have no idea. It's possible I did and it's possible I only started later. But I always had some device in my house that was unfiltered, whether that was a computer or another phone. What I do know is that in 11th grade I finally got WebChaver and asked a friend to be the chaver. I used to the basic filter and that didn't do much. I lost touch with him and we went our separate ways. 
But regardless, over the years I struggled with p&m and my main push against it was just trying to brute force resist it. That obviously didn't work great. But there were times that I was so busy with things and so active that I didn't feel an need to act out.
I had a bunch of ups and downs, but I never saw any consistent growth (ie my ups being longer and more frequent).
I went like that into yeshiva in Israel (which is the year after 12th grade for me) and really caused me a lot of pain. I didn't want to do it and I kept coming back to it. I spoke to rebbeim there and a friend but the I never really followed up with the rebbi and I lost touch with the friend again. Finally in the second year, I said enough. I got a filter that blocked every website except ones that are specifically allowed and I can't download apps unless my friend knows about them. So I've deleted the apps that are problem causing.
And in my second year, I also started talking to a therapist and we attacked a lot of the internal cues that were causing me to act out, so bH I'm much more aware of them to be able to react in a positive way. 
But no matter where I go (because I haven't really been in a single place for any significant time) there's always a device that I'll be able to access. I realized that this problem is not going to go away by itself with a tiny bit of effort. I realized that I'm going to have to really have to live by my ideals even when it really hurts. I don't know why it took so long for me to realize but it did. I'm going to have to choose the right path, no matter what, and by doing that I'll be living the good life.
I'm in middle of the F2F course and I'm really trying to take this seriously. I know it's not going to be easy, especially in the environments that I'm in, but at the end of the day, this is how I want to live my life and how I will live my life. So better to put in the effort now. And of course I pray to Hashem every day that he gives me the koach to overcome every challenge and get to where I want to get.

I'm not exactly sure what the benefit of this posting is, but I've seen people recommend it. So I'm going to give it a try. Idk about every day, but at least once a week. And bzH I'll have good news.
Thank you to whoever read all this. Despite my previous statement, it does feel good to unload all this. Thank you .

Welcome! Stick around, it helps.

Welcome. It should be with hatzlocha. Hang around and iyh you will learn techniques to break free b'ezras Hashem.

freedom11 wrote on 31 Oct 2023 19:46:

One of the most therapeutic and helpful parts of this place is the sharing of things  that were never shared before.
You'll find that while now we may all be strangers to you - some of us here developed very strong friendships with others here - and that was a crucial  part of recovery for a great many of us.
Keep on posting , Keep on reading AND KEEP ON TRUCKING!

hatzlacha!!
were here with you.

Welcome!
Wow, thank you for sharing your story, and kuddos to you for really taking on this struggle, it sounds like the initiative even at a young age was your own and that shows tremendous inner strength and having a good moral compass. IY"H you will see much hatzlachah.
I'll let you know, I also used the F2F program and found it very helpful, so good luck their is light at the end of the tunnel (as well as the light in the tunnel of the joy of working on and seeing small areas of progress in a struggle)
We're rooting for you!

Welcome to the family, my dear friend! As you have already learned, sharing what's on your heart is very powerful, so please keep posting, share whatever you want to, we care about you and want to hear from you. There's a lot to learn here, and BeH you'll pick up the techniques on how to break free. The journey is only beginning, so please keep us posted! Keep trucking!

Welcome!

דאגה בלב איש ישיחנה לאחרים

Wishing you much hatzlacha as you embark on your journey to freedom. looking forward for your updates.