Finally!! Another guy who knows how to use the King's English....

KOMT!

Yes, so easy but so difficult. You just need to think and take smart action, with commitment. 
In retrospect, BH you will be shocked how easy it was to break free!!

Thank you everyone for sharing the experience of being on the other said.
I wanted to share a few thoughts.
I'm clean about twelve days now.
I've been clean for much longer than that in my life. But this time was different.
I was clean this time from the inside out - I was clean because I wanted to stay with myself, to live with my emotions and to stop escaping.
This time it was a journey to find peace.

Indeed, many of the days were filled with peace - and I was able to process my own emotions by talking with the wonderful people here.

Recently I've been stressed out about what I should be doing with my life.
Been driving me bananas, honestly.
But we'll get to that in another post
Perhaps more importantly - I feel like I don't have any friends.
Plenty of acquaintances to be fair - but friends - people I talk to regularly or share even a mashehu of vulnerability - noop.
There's tons of people that I are similar to me in the most external way - yungeleit in lakewood yada yada. But to connect in more than a small-talkish way - socially off isn't it?! And like if I have emotions - forget it!
That's how it feels to me - anyone else relate or have some thoughts about navigating this?

And another question for the wise constituents of GYE - I'm considering meditating every day after first seder just to settle me down a little bit - anyone have experience with meditating/mindfulness?

Check out Jewish meditation by r aryeh Kaplan. Im pretty sure you can pick it up in judaica plaza. Its very good and written with beginners in mind.

Perhaps more importantly - I feel like I don't have any friends.
Plenty of acquaintances to be fair - but friends - people I talk to regularly or share even a mashehu of vulnerability - noop.
There's tons of people that I are similar to me in the most external way - yungeleit in lakewood yada yada. But to connect in more than a small-talkish way - socially off isn't it?! And like if I have emotions - forget it!
That's how it feels to me - anyone else relate or have some thoughts about navigating this

Oh boy, can I relate to this.. extremely painfull

HeChochma wrote on 08 Nov 2023 01:11:

Hey, wise constituent of GYE here.

Sounds like a tough spot. What makes the situation even sadder is that I bet there are dozens of other guys around you who feel the same way, and all think they're an anomaly and feel lonely as a result. Ah, society.

What I can suggest is that you join a group/course/seminar dedicated to personal growth and create meaningful relationships that route.
Heck, you'll probably meet those people you currently only have small talk with.
Or maybe a bunch of Chasidim. Don't be afraid; we don't bite (we broke our teeth trying to speak English at the course).

As for meditation, it can be a useful tool. I would caution you to find a good teacher to guide you through the process because otherwise, its effects can be the opposite of settling you down.

Move out of town.

So happy to hear about your inner peace! I too had similar experience in where I was super proud of my streak even when it was only like 2 weeks because I felt that inner change starting to happen which is such an important part of this struggle.

About your friend question... 2 things come to mind. First of all when we live with this deep dark secret it's very likely that even the friends that we do have, we can't build the relationship because subconsciously we're afraid that if we get too close they might find out about who we really are. The second thing I have noticed (sort of the same point just from the opposite angle) is that I have recently made 3 friends here on GYE who know all about my deep dark secrets. I have shmoozed with them on the phone, and I have even met 2 of them in person. My feelings towards them is that although I don't really know them much, the fact that they know my vulnerable and secret side of me makes me feel so much more comfortable even with random shmoozing than it does when I'm shmoozing with guys I've known for years. We share a common secret and I have nothing to hide from them.
Not sure what the eitza is, but you're always welcome to come visit me in the Yoshon!

Ah! He learns in yoshun! Now we can figure out who he is!

If you're curious enough!!!

But hey I never said that's where I learn... maybe I just do the 2 hour shachris thingy they have going there!

iwannalivereal wrote on 08 Nov 2023 20:12:

Then you wouldn't be posting. You'd probably be busy trying to roll the "Tizzzzkeru"

Oh hey jack maybe that should be a new GYE tool! Try rolling the tizkeru in the yoshon will keep you busy so for so long you wont have any time for anything else!!!
And maybe taka those tizkeru rollers in the yoshon are so busy cuz they know this trick!!!

ainshumyeiush wrote on 08 Nov 2023 01:48:

Or better yet, his book Meditation and Kabbalah. Fascinating read, and the chapters on Chassidus are very practical (the chapters on meditation on the name of 72 are slightly less practical).

Also a very good book, however, Jewish meditation is geared towards beginners and explains everything very clearly with practical information for using the different techniques.

iwannalivereal wrote on 08 Nov 2023 20:05:

Very well said . I have friends here for 6 months that I am closer too & more comfortable with, than the friends I've had for 20+ years.
When you share the depths of your Neshama with someone else , & he with you it creates a closeness that is not easily replicated.