Hello all, I have received a beautiful message from a member on this site, in which I was encouraged to share my story.
While I have immense trouble giving and receiving love from people, I hope this topic can serve as a means to introduce myself, and become in the future, a place to write Divrei Torah and ideas, so they might have a better chance of being preserved.
I want to stress, that I am not deserving of praise, and I am not in immediate need of comfort or support. All of the following words that I give over should be taken as though they have no meaning or intent behind them. The last thing I want, is to bring harm to people struggling with addiction. Whether by making them lose hope, or by showing to them an Evil Eye.
I am NOT a righteous person, I am very aware of my current spiritual level, and in reality I am little better than a child in terms of knowledge, wisdom, and understanding. If you should receive something from my words, be it a holy insight, or even passive amusement that distracts you, I will consider it a great boon.
My story is very much like yours, eleven years of life, and eleven years of darkness, twenty two years. So too, we might forget the darkness, for 111 years of life, and elevate the darkness for 122.
During this age of darkness, my desires had grown, my body plummeted and descending further into twisted immorality. While my mind subconsciously scrambled to form a strategy to overcome it. With the help of Hashem, I had formed many good habits and learned many things that propelled me to my current place, such as starting a strict diet, and learning guitar and chess.
Earlier this year, I started praying to Hashem with two simple words 'Baruch Hashem', I told myself that while I know I am supposed to pray all sorts of things, I couldn't help but think that everything that happens is for the best, and thus I had nothing to pray for. In this way, I prayed to my Creator, I placed Tefilin upon my arm and head, I meditated on Hashems greatness, and I reached out to feel Hashem's presence as though he were right in front of me, and I said two simple words, 'Baruch Hashem.'
I continued in this way for many days, focusing on feeling Hashem as though he were right in front of me, until I learned Shir HaShirim. I could see many insights into the hidden nature of darkness, and when I reached the end I heard a voice from Shamayim echo the word I spoke back to me, 'הַשְׁמִיעִֽנִי'.
At this moment I knew, the presence I felt was not mere imagination. Hashem had sent me a message, that He wanted to hear my prayers. From that point on, I recited Tehillim along with my Shabbos learning, and made for each one a new song and melody that I dedicated to Hashem and all His hosts. I carried on in this way, learning each Shabbos more and more, until I had finally completed all of Tanakh. And along the way, my connection with Hashem had grown considerably. I felt as though I was growing my senses towards being able to perceive Shamayim itself, the deeper mysteries of psalms wherein 'Peh' comes before 'Eyin'.
While this was happening however, the darkness was rampaging in my body, growing hungrier with each day. Every time I fell to temptation, it left me desolate and disconnected with Hashem. It got to a point where being deprived of Hashem's presence left me in tears.
I tried harder and harder to stop P&M, some days I fell and was filled with the most intense pain, other times I would feel an overwhelming sense of resolve. I started thinking the Yeitzer Harah was inevitably meant to be transformed into a Yeitzer Tov, and as such, I reasoned with it,
'I know this battle and this dance are ingrained in your nature, let us use your darkness, let us make your desires urge me towards Torah, for otherwise, you will be left with nothing in Time to Come.'
In what I might call a merry dance with madness, I felt extremes and created the most impossible of ideas. Highs and lows, mental anguish and euphoria. Until the day came when the intensity of my feelings drove me to stop P&M, as the immediate mental pain seemed to outweigh the pleasure. From that point on, I started going longer and longer without P&M. Of course it was impossible for me in my weakness to completely remove myself from the terrible evil I had subjected myself to for so long.
So at first I said to myself, 'You can do P&M as much as you like, but you cannot have release.' I started a practice used by certain foreign cultures, whereby I held the perineum tightly right before release, as hard as I could, to prevent release.
But this wasn't enough, I realized, while in the immediate aftermath it appeared as though I prevented disaster. In the minutes following, a small amount of fluid would come without me noticing. So I started only allowing myself P in places where I was not accustomed to release. Eventually I got to a point where I was looking at P, near entirely avoiding M. It was here I had my worst fall to date, after which I felt so terrible, that in a fit of rage and dismay, I deleted nearly all of the P related apps from my phone.
A week passed, during which I felt very good, as though I was actively progressing towards a state higher than the angels. And in my arrogance, I decided to catch up on the P site I enjoyed most.
Before Shabbos, I thought to myself, 'Let me observe the filth, so that I can greater feel the spirit of Shabbos' protection.' I read through the entirety of the indecent comic without M, then I calmly put it away, and went to sleep.
For the first time in my life, that night, I had a wet dream.
The amount of turmoil I felt, why did this happen? If I can sin from a mere dream, what hope do I have? After that Shabbos, I removed the rest of the evil from my phone, everything that I could think of, and haven't looked at it since. Steadily I have been removing the P from all my devices, and to serve as a reminder of it's despicable nature, I simply step outside.
To be out in the darkness of this world, to see the women walking brazenly upon the streets, stirs up the rage within me, and I am forced to close my eyes.
Three weeks went by from that point, where I was becoming more and more distant from P&M. The final Shabbos was arriving, the last of the Tehillim would be said, and my learning of Tanakh would be completed. In the following days I had planned to begin attending Minyanim, and learning at an intensity with which I had never attempted before. Shabbos came and went without issue, I spoke the final psalm, and I could feel a new understanding come over me. It was as though by reading all of Tanakh, I had absorbed all of it into my subconscious mind, where it could be continually unraveled by future commentaries and Oral teachings.
But wait, I finished all of Tanakh, surely that is deserving of a Siyum?
I decided to postpone my attendance of Minyanim, to spend a day catching up on all of my favorite tv shows. While they were often indecent, it surely wouldn't be a problem so long as I look away whenever something bad comes on screen. I spent the day watching these shows, often getting upset at the abundance of immorality and looking away.
That night, I had another wet dream.
Three weeks had passed incident free, I had removed all P&M, and still I was brought to sin, and was pushed away from Hashem against my will. At this point I felt completely broken, was it all over? Was I forever tainted to the point that I will continue to be a Zav for all time? Even if I managed to remove and distance myself from all of my desires, I could still be brought to sin from the memories of my sleep?!
If this was the case, my only choice was to become an unparalleled scholar, my only option was to learn until I forced heaven to accept me into it's embrace. If I couldn't be accepted by Shamayim, then I would grow in Torah until I could change the very fabric of reality, and force my entry into upper chambers of Hashem's love.
In a delirium I signed up to GYE, I couldn't think, and I needed some kind of assurance. While I didn't resort to P&M after having the dream, I was still distraught, as though the nocturnal emission alone was just as bad as having M. Looking back, I might've been able to reach the same conclusion had my mind been clear of those emotions. But nevertheless, in my moments of panic, I received assurance from a GYE member that having wet dreams is normal during the first few months of giving up P&M, that it is simply a form of withdrawal symptom.
That night I attended Maariv, and studied for the entirety of the night. I finished the Sefer Yetzirah and began Masechet Berachos, in the morning, I went to shul and davened Shacharis in front of the Aron Kodesh.
Since then, I have watched through most of the GYE F2F program, and have continued learning and davening as much as I could. I hope to continue growing spiritually with the help of Hashem. By reading the Sefer Yetzirah I had received a newfound sense of awe for Hashem, it was so powerful I was compelled to stop treating Him with such a sense of familiarity. However, I couldn't give up the connection of love I had developed, so whilst I saw the unbridled power with which Hashem created the world, I instead see it as an incredible boon that I am one of His children, to whom will receive the mantle of creation, to sustain and create worlds at His side.
If you have read this far, I would like to thank you for showing an interest in my ongoing struggles and successes. I hope you have received something of value from my words. Rest assured, the true Tzaddikim are those who struggle each day without the light of the Shechina to guide them. They are the ones who cling to Hashem, and they are the ones who should be praised.
Rabbi Akiva peered into infinite darkness and survived, by clinging onto his Creator. Who am I then, who have not been subjected to true darkness, as I have always had a trickle of light, whose understanding I could hold onto throughout my days.
Indeed I am lesser, and the blind of this generation will surpass me.
I would like to end with a poem I constructed, in honor of Hashem:
Orchard of plenty
Here lay the seeds of bloom
Petals varied
From whence, the life bloods flow
Beholden, to rain
The waters cleanly wade
Whom crystal drops
From whence, the life blood came
Ne'er was there, before You
Realities of truth
O'er King's pool, who hovers?
From whence, existence drew
Beholden to dew
Stretched upon the earth
The deep waters of knowledge
Descended
Awaken the sky
O' living ones, of worth
To perceive the Heavens
Graze upon the earth
May it be Your will, my Father and my King.
We shake the Heavens, when the gardens sing.
Thank you for reading,
May we merit the coming of Mashiach, speedily in our days.
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