Hello everyone at GYE

I discovered GYE from a google search resulting in a video Boost from GYE and that’s how I came here. I choose to never post anything. I’ve had many ups and downs in my growth, but this time I decided that it’s enough; I decided I am absolutely done, and perhaps my terrible feelings on a daily may be due to unrecognized shame from watching porn and masturbating. 

it’s now 3+ years, and there came a time I just gave up, but now, I’m so fed up, and ready to do what it takes… 

not sure exactly how I’ll do it, but working to get all the tools including F2F and excersize, study of Torah, and hopefully support from GYE, AND FINALLY LEARNING more about myself and time to overcome no matter what

Hillhiz wrote on 22 Aug 2023 19:48:

Welcome welcome, you've come to the right place

Welcome aboard buddy,

Happy to hear about all your growth as well as the ups and downs, its normal and healthy. Keep on fight!

This is a great place, looking forward to learning from you,

Thats a good way to do it! We are here for you! You can do it.

Welcome, we're here to help you grow and excited to see how your journey progresses. Keep us updated.

Would you like to share some more details?

Wow, it’s actually amazing you guys replied to me and it feels awesome to have your support. I wasn’t expecting that. 
I’ll share some more…
Iv been exposed to P at a very young age…then I started M  anyways in 8th grade someone in school sold me their iPod touch and from there when ever I was able to get access to internet I would get P access more readily than sneaking computer time while no one was watching. needless to say I didn’t tell anyone about my secret doings, I didn’t have a way out, it was like I kept telling my self that’s it “This is the last time” I won’t do it again. I would feel shame as it’s against Torah and I just kept secret. For years… I sadly struggled alone. 
one day I told someone and they were supportive that I got help so I started searching online when I crossed a video from R Elbaz and at the end he threw a shout out to GYE so I followed on to search GYE… and from there I first started discovering the world of being open and that it’s normal struggle and at least I’m not alone, (i did realize quickly, that probably all guys with smartphones struggle in this are but no one will speak it out from shame) (even w/o smartphone) anyways I had some great bouts on and off my longest streak was 48 days and I was and still kind of disappointed that I never got to 90 and it’s so hard to! 
since then I went back to Jeshiva, and even rid of my smartphone, so Porn was no longer much of an issue… over this past summer, I regained access and quickly I fell into my old ways.. I realized as much as I know about this topic, I don’t know how to break free, and I was and kind of am scared that maybe I Iwill never break out. This is scary because this shame and understanding that Porn doesn’t do good for me, and that if I’m to build family I need to be loyal w/o porn! And I’m scared to turn to porn to escape marriage so I don’t want to do porn and Masterbation no more! I want to learn more and more how to break free, and I plan this time to truly do it. I really want to date, but I’m scared to get married, I know that breaking this habit will make me feel more secure for marriage. I don’t want to go on dates and lust around by looking at others while even on a date.. it’s time to transform, to learn not to look, to learn to be with urge and not react, to become balanced. 

I’ll tell the most deepest truth now. I have this feeling in my chest that has been here for so long, and it’s like pressure, and taking up headspace, it doesn’t allow me to connect with friends, it makes me frustrated that I cannot rid of this feeling. It’s almost impossible to just go have fun or have conversation, my attention is always turning to my bad feeling. 
A few nights ago, I came back to Yeshiva, and in my Dira they got Wi-Fi, and the first night I fell hard into Masterbatin and soft Porn from Insta and stuff like that… and I was so upset, I thought I’d come to study and I’ll be clean by force, but I already know that doesn’t work long term… so still have Wi-Fi etc… I REALIZED THE NEXT MORNING THE FEELING HAS INTENSIFIED! OMG I THINK I FIGURED IT OUT! PORN AND MASTERBATION MAKES ME FEEL SO MUCH SHAME, I SHUT DOWN TO THE WORLD! IF I PUT IT TO REST, then I’ll be ridding of this terrible feeling and I can live life freely!

it’s affecting my emotions with friends, about my family, and ppl.. I just don’t enjoy things, I want to sleep in afterwards just to avoid the feeling in my chest! It’s no longer an option,,, WAKE UP,,,, 

thank you guys for support and for reading all the way to bottom!,

Welcome home, my friend! I'm so sorry for the pain. We are here to be your brothers, your friends, and we want to hear from you. Keep posting, keep sharing, ask away, and stick around! There are many good things to learn here and good guys to connect with, so please stay here and beH with some hard work you'll see yourself soaring soon! 

Here's a warm hand and a hug.
You're in a lot of pain, friend. 
We know what it feels like. We know what its like to be lonely. To just want to go to sleep. To feel empty and numb and full of pain. 

There's good news - there is genuine hope! It DOES'NT have to stay this way. Change is possible!! Breaking free is real. Now that you are connecting to people, you will find pathways open where there haven't been before. 

Stay close. Hold on. 
You can do it. And we will all gain from your journey....