I Decided to make a post after enough people suggested it. I don't know what I hope to get out of it yet.

I’ll start by explaining the username. I chose Yosef90 because I want to be like Yosef and refuse for 90 days (or more). It happens to be I was also born in the 90’s.

I came to GYE after listening to a podcast where Eli Nash was interviewed and he said how amazing this site is with helping people struggling with porn issues. I wouldn’t say I’m addicted as much as I have desires and enjoy it. I have a productive life and I’m a contributing member of society but this is currently part of my life, it doesn’t get in the way of it. I do feel more clear headed when I don’t masturbate especially when davening and learning and I don’t want porn to be part of my life.

I grew up frum and went through the yeshiva system. When I was thirteen, I thought I would never masturbate because I knew it wasn’t allowed, however, when I was fourteen I started doing it almost daily and that continued throughout high school. I didn’t need porn, I would see something and remember it later. Sometimes I watched porn too but access wasn’t as easy as it is now. When I was in yeshiva I went months without it. Now that I’m working and learning, I go on streaks but always seem to come back to this habit. I’ve tried different ideas to keep myself busy or distracted but I seem to be able to fit this habit into my schedule as it really doesn’t have to take long. I think that if I don’t masturbate then in a way it’s on my mind more. I pay for a filter on my smart phone which works well but sometimes I’ll use other devices. I don’t really even need to look at porn to masturbate but it does make it more enjoyable. I sometimes feel like I don’t have free will to say no. I believe it’s the Rambam that said that we can do something enough that Hashem takes away our Bechira and I sometimes wonder if that happened in this area. I’m single so I have no kosher outlet for release and the urges come. Its hard to say later when I don't know when later is. I date but have not been successful in getting married yet. I believe Hashem runs the world and it will happen in the right time but until that time I’m not sure what I am supposed to do.

I have been opened about this and discussed this in person with people in different stages of life which has helped in the past but I think I need more of a community now that I’m not in yeshiva which for me was a place where it was more accepted to discuss it and work on it with friends trying to grow.

I like the idea of private messages or the chat more than posts so feel free to use those. I don't know often I’ll come here to update everyone.

Welcome to the family, Reb Yosef! We are all in this together, we care about you, we want to hear from you so please keep sharing what's on your mind.
My friend, many people have come here in very similar situations and have succeeded in breaking free entirely. And you can too! One amazing thing about this place is like you said, the community of people who care about you and stand at your side to help you grow past the problematic behavior. My friend, stick around, connect with the chevrah, and beH with your hard work and Hashem holding your hand you'll make it to the top!

“I’m single so I have no kosher outlet for release and the urges come.”

Please understand from personal pain and experience that even when you are married, your wife is not a ‘kosher outlet’ for release of urges.

I made that mistake for about two years and now, 6 years into marriage I am trying to repair what I’ve destroyed. 

that’s a big yesod and I still am very upset that my חתן teacher as well as most other do not emphasize this point. 


I would rather have spent 99% of the time covering this concept and 1% on the actual Niddah stuff. 

the detailed halachot can be learned  later, all you need are the real basics and a competent Rav. Anyway my wife does most of the preparation and the counting etc. 

I have actually thought of reaching out to the person who taught me and  telling him how he could’ve saved me and my wife’s lives but instead  caused us so much damage by not telling us these things

It is a major mindset shift that needs to take place in order to succeed in having a healthy intimacy with your wife

thanks for reading 

Hi there. Not sure if this is some sort of chizuk to you, but I could have written everything you wrote word for word about my life. Aside from the fact that I’m married with three boys. The desire to masterbate went away for the first year, but then the reality kicks in and the habit slowly grows again.
I’m just logging back in for the first time in 6 months. I’ve fallen terribly and I’m going to restart and try reach a 90day goal, free of p&m

hi yosef90,

i think you made a good move by coming around here and posting. i have only positive things to say from my own experience doing so.

nice to hear that you have a productive life and are doing well. many of us live w this mistaken notion, that everything spins around this one, specific area. when we're successful w it we're fine no matter what our general life looks like, and if we're not doing well in this area, its game over even if we're being matzliach in so many different important areas. (i should credit @eerie for that thought).
i want to address a point you made at the end: i'm not boki in rambam or in chazal, but i have the chutzpa to say that hashem did not take your bechira away. i'm positive that hashem doesn't force a person to sin. (although לאחר המעשה there is an element of השגחה פרטית) ask your rav if you aint convinced but to me this is clear. i hope you'll excuse me for being this blunt.

hatzlacha in becoming a true yosef 90, and from there you'll slowly but surely go on to much much more 

Thanks for the warm welcome. looking forward to getting to know more of the community.

rolk1451 wrote on 16 Jun 2023 01:04:

Thanks, interesting to hear. Which reality did you mean kicks in?
I hope you have success in your goal of hitting 90 days as well! One day at a time

Eerie wrote on 15 Jun 2023 17:30:

Thanks for the warm welcome. looking forward to getting to know more of the community.

iLoveHashem247 wrote on 15 Jun 2023 23:57:

Thanks for your feedback, I was only saying that there is no kosher outlet for a single guy. I'm not expecting my future wife to be available all the time as a kosher outlet to release urges but right now I have none. I've been told that the urges don't go away with marriage and maybe even get worse but there is a gemara that uses the term bread in the basket so your not hungry. For example when a fast is over you are not as hungry as when you are watching the clock tick down to the end.    

Horizon wrote on 16 Jun 2023 01:34:

Thanks for the warm welcome. I remember hearing Rabbi YY Jacobson asking on the words we say in Mariv remove the Satan from before us and after us. Before us is simple we don't want to be tripped up. What is the after us? He answers that it's the Satan that tells us we are worthless because we sinned. We are not and its only the YH telling us we are.
Regarding Bechira I can try to find the source if you'd like but this is what I remember learning. I can handle blunt. There is an idea that we can loose Bechira. There are ways to get Bechira back of course and its not over until we're dead but it's harder once you've done an Avera over and over and over again, you need Hashem to help. It's a scary thought but it's the only thing that makes sense sometimes. I can be in a headspace where I know I'm going to control myself and then one small thing and I forget all my diversion tactics and slip up.    

Yosef90 wrote on 16 Jun 2023 04:35:

ah! thats a great vort. i recently heard a vort b' shem i forget which tzadik: it says in tehilim כי עוני אגיד אדעג מחטאתי. and the tzadik taitshed כי עוני אגיד, i will now announce my sins, the first of which is אדעג מחטאתי, i was saddened and felt lowly cuz of my sins.

since you can handle bluntness...
even by פרעה where the posuk says כי אני הכבדתי את לבו. the mifarshim ask how can it be that hashem takes away his bechira and then punishes him? (one explanation i remember hearing is that he already deserved the punishment for the prior enslavement of bnei yisroel).
in tanya he explains how hashem is חנון המרבה לסלוח. this is where we see the gadlus of hashem, that unlike humans who wouldnt be able to forgive if someone repeatedly bothered him, hashem is מרבה לסלוח. moreover: a yid asked in shacharis slach lonu, and then a couple hours later by mincha is again asking for slicha... and on that we say חנון המרבה לסלוח.
anyway excuse me for getting technical. the main thing is you gotta believe you can do this, (with hashems help of course) and you'll hear from people here who have truly broken free. i wish you tons a luck going onward

Yosef90 wrote on 16 Jun 2023 04:14:

Thank you for your response! 

to clarify the point - don’t ever expect your wife to be available

The concept of availability and of expectations do not work in marriage - it took me a lot of hard work and lots of conversations with HHM to understand that my role is to be a giver. 

givers do not expect anything up front or in return

what comes along in this area is mutual and the conclusion of a buildup of emotional intimacy between spouses. 

hatzlacha

I liked your vort as as well. Perhaps I dont think enough about how often we ask for everything in Shmonei Esrei. It is amazing how we keep doing things and he keeps forgiving us.
I have heard people have been successful here and have I already been able to delay temptations a few times because of what I've been doing here. Its hard to keep track of days especially when I'm so awed by other peoples streaks on here and mine feels like nothing. Hopefully I'll get to a point where I'm ok displaying it

I was just speaking to someone over shabbos who said a very similar idea about how we're there to give in general. It's a powerful idea and I think I have to work on this more in general.  I've heard the name HHM a few times now and see him quoted when I did a search but didn't find him. How do I reach out to him if I want to?

Yosef90 wrote on 18 Jun 2023 21:55:

His name on the website is Hashem Help Me, just pm him, or email him at michelgelner@gmail.com .
He is absolutely incredible.

Hatzlacha!