Something that helps me at times like this is to whisper "לישועתך קויתי ה׳".
When feeling lost and hopeless, ישועה is certainly what's called for. Under my breath, in the middle of a meeting or a call or a conversation. No one hears or notices. except me and Him. 

Feeling along.... glad that you're here.... in this together.

true_self wrote on 09 Jun 2023 16:25:

I don't how quickly I will...
My mother also says I'm an angel, but I won't say which type

hey!! i'm so happy to see you posting:) hope it's coming along well.



two parts of you that are struggling. that's how he created us buddy. we're not malachim that dont have any taavos, he wants us to have taavos and nisyoinos. 

the shaila is what do you want one you're not stuck in the heat of it? when things are going well and you feel content and connected to hashem? or on the flip side when you're disgusted of porn cuz its already ichh?

i think starting your thread answers that question.

First, I’ll share a little bit about my background, and after about my journey in this minefield of lust.

I am the youngest of a regular run-of-the-mill “Frum” family.
My parents are children of Holocaust survivors that survived, physically but not emotionally. 
The words, I love you we’re not part of their dictionary. Nor was hugs and kisses something they did.
My mother is a very emotional person and anxiety ridden, but never expresses her emotions.  My father, on the other hand seems to have very little emotions and was a very stern father. I was always afraid of him and his reactions. He barely showed interest in my life, as he never just talked with me just to talk and inquire about how my day went or anything of the sort.  He’s sort of provider for me physically and that’s it.

I must say that it’s not that I felt they were dissatisfied with me. I was a smart boy and one of the best in my class with good middos and made my parents happy. 

The bickered all day in front of us and showed no respect for each other.
As early as I can remember I hated being in their presence, as I felt so unsafe and insecure. The tension was so thick and just being in my mother’s presence made me feel so anxious and insecure.
I was a sensitive child that was also having a very hard time socially (more on that soon)  and I was starving for some love acceptance and security. I felt so alone in my pain.

My father is very much a product of the yeshiva system but at the same time has very strong connection to his Chasidish backround.

My parents social circles were not chasidish and neither was the community I grew up in, nevertheless, my parents decided to send me to a chasidish cheder in a different community although socially, this was a disaster for me.

I was always part of the few that were the odd ones out. In the summer I went to camp with all the other boys of my community and of course there I was the odd one out.
I still remember to today all the jokes made on me from both parties.

I just never felt like I belonged or had friends.
I am not athletic, which just added to everything as I was poked fun of at every opportunity in camp. In general, it always hindered me from being friends with the “Boys” as I was some sort of “Neb” and just wasn’t part of them and couldn’t be.

I remember being poked fun of for other things as well, but not going to go into all of it now.  

Maybe I was overly sensitive I don’t know.  All of this killed me.  I was in such pain and felt so alone.  I felt like Hashem hated me and put me in this world to suffer endlessly.  I would just cry into my pillow many nights and fall asleep like that . If anybody asked me about it as I remember a Rebbie and counselor once inquiring ,I just stood there laughed. Kind of strange, but I didn’t know how to deal. 

Going on to high school wasn’t much better as I really should’ve gone far away from home.  But I stayed in a local community yeshiva. I was sort of stuck in a certain social group.  At the same time I hated it as I felt like I really didn’t belong. being home all this time just added to all the anxiety and tension going on in my life.

I apologize if this isn’t too clear as I feel like I just ranted. Will continue in next post in addition to how all this was accompanied by my journey of lust or maybe contributed to it.

I know this is kind of long, but if you’re still here, thank you for reading.

Ki Sorisa wrote on 11 Jun 2023 16:40:

Still here and feeling your pain.  

feeling along with you, brother….
share at your own pace… 
so much pain here…

Dear friend All I can tell you is that I really feel feel for you, and I'm here to listen.
Please bring it all out, leave nothing within you...
Looking forward to read more.

Wow

Vehkam wrote my thoughts. My friend, we are still here with you. I'm sorry for your pain, from the past and in the present. One of the most powerful parts of being on GYE is that the guys really care, and we want to hear from you. My dear friend, please keep sharing anything and everything, don't think that nay detail is too silly to share. We are brothers here, brothers who car and want to hear from you. We don't judge you, we respect you in spite of your shortcomings, because we know how many beautiful things you can find within yourself. And as you stay here and keep posting I'm sure we'll all get to see you soaring