Wow wow wow!!! Thanks, R' chaimoigen, R' Eerie, R' HHM, R' Horizon, R' Onelookless, R' Heeling, R' Bennyh, R' Vehkam, R' Grant, R' hershele, R' Shmuel and the young talented R' Yitz, and all other endless friends for all your encouragement, understanding, advice and true caring.
I find what Chaimoigen & Eerie wrote very helpful, and I've learnt that too, on the flight2freedom program
Thanks for reminding me to practice it.

Chaim, I love your rich, colourful & passionate language, you describe things very geshmak and full of life.
Eerie, you keep me going! I have lots to learn from you (just need some more time  )

Hey, great work. I actually heard from someone that the main nisayon for this is actually preempting it with restristrictive measures. Afterwards, the nisayon in some part is lost. While after being on gye enough I believe its not lost lost, but you get the picture. It is actually a major form of gvura to put up these safeguards not a weakness. We have many harchakos and gezairos designed to do just that, take away the nisayon. (think pas akum....) Rabbeinu Yona in Avos (and others) actually advocate for using nedarim to safeguard a person. The idea is once we break the habit for some time it becomes easier to be mesgaber. 
That being said, its probably still worthwhile to do the same work you were doing until now so you can use this time to fortify your defenses. "Who is a gibor hacovesh his yetzer" covesh means to conquer, when conquering a city its important to use all sorts of tactics to win. (as quoted from conquering cities for dummies) hatzlocha

bright wrote on 30 May 2023 12:25:

Thanks Bright your words shine with brightness!!! You seem to be a shtikel Talmid chacham too
I agree that its a strong and courageous thing to put safeguards, but I do want to point out that the reason we need to use safeguards is because we are so weak, and chazal knew the weaknesses of a human being and that's why they implemented the rules of yichud, pas akum etc. Think about what chazal say: "הרואה סוטה בקולקולה יזיר עצמו מן היין" this gives us some prospective, the reason one should become a nazir is because he was exposed to seeing bad things (I learnt this peshat from R Eli Stefansky), the reason why we need so much gedarim & syagim in today's generation is because we are exposed to a society with so much immorality.
A person that does not need so much harchokos is definitely a strong person, but chazal knew better and they taught us that human beings no matter who are very vulnerable and need safeguards.

There's an incredible Vort from Rav Chaim Shmuelevitz.
Krias Yam Suf -Hyam Raah Vayanas - The Sea looked and ran away.
Chazal say that it split in the Zchus of Yosef Hatzadik who ran away - outside, away from Eishes Potifar.

We learn from here, say Rav Chaim, that the primary expression of "Limaala Min Hateva", through which we were Zocheh to such an incredible Hanhaga, was Yosef's ability to RUN AWAY and avoid the challenge. That's the point where otherworldliness comes in.

Lots more to say on this topic. Main thing is to LIVE it.
Keep marching on, countrymen.

ה

י

ם

ר

א

This is humiliating....
Last night I was at the brink of falling, and to be honest it was a bad slip.
It started with looking at the news with no bad intention, however there was a trigger and it led to viewing inappropriate content, to be brief.
​I masturbated as well but managed to stop before ejeculating, it was very painful, it's hell to reach that point and not getting the relief of ejeculation.
Its not considered a fall because my main focus now is to become clean from porn & mastubation to a point of ejaculation, but in reality it is a big slip.
I basically got a reminder that I'm still very vulnerable, But on the other hand I do feel slightly stronger than a few weeks ago, as back than I wouldn't have managed to restrain at the last second, plus, I had a constant thought in my mind, what are you doing? get out of this before it's too late! It did not let me fully enjoy while lusting. Basically I was more aware of what's happening, but the yetzer was very strong, and I failed to contain myself right in the beginning.

What I've learnt from this is that:
- I need to get more serious about accountability ASAP.
- I need to get some news sites blocked ASAP! (my wife also told me that she wants to get them blocked for herself)
- I need to go to sleep early, as at night I have less energy to fight my urges, (especially nowadays)
- _________________________________________ (This I left for others to fill  )

I'm still in middle of getting back on track, adding gas....

true_self wrote on 31 May 2023 18:52:

Instead of addin' gas, try Glenlivet 

true_self wrote on 31 May 2023 18:52:

You have no right to be humiliated!

You should be proud! I know I'm proud of your accomplishment.

It's all part of the process. Expecting a miraculous change overnight is ludicrous. Nothing good is quick and nothing valuable easy.

You are right where you need to be.  You are miles from where you started. Don't be discouraged, learn, grow and you will keep getting farther. 

Hatzlacha! 

Thank you for having the courage to share this, and the courage to keep on growing!
You wrote you are "slightly stronger than a few weeks ago" - what are you talking about?!? That's completely inaccurate! It takes Gevura to stop like that. That's what the Raavad says. Be proud of yourself for what you've achieved. But keep on shteiging, Chaver. Learn the lessons that you can learn from this, keep soaring higher...

And keep inspiring me.

Wow! My dear friend, you are a winner! Sorry for the slight slip, but my friend, you are nowhere near the same person you were when you started this journey. And you keep shteiging! You are an inspiration to me and to so many others, fighting the bitter fight. Like you wrote, it was so hard, and you fought back in spite of it being so painful. You are undoubtedly the winner. And you will continue trucking upward! You wrote the lessons very well, I would add that you learned that the YH didn't drop you just because you post on GYE. So stay ever vigilant. And when the going gets tough, reach out to a friend. We are here, we don't judge you or anyone, we care about you, and having friends with you can really help you get past the hump. Keep sharing, my holy friend!

I'm a bit late on this thread so I'll try to catch up. 
Firstly, welcome and excellent first post! I'm only going to add my agreement to all the beautiful responses to it. 
Second, about your slip. Grant and Chaimoigen are correct. When put in perspective, you are in an entirely different place than you were just a little while ago. And that should be celebrated. As far as practical advice, I'm wondering if this could help. I recently had my filter company block all internet access from my computer after 8:00 PM. This ended the late nights of wasting time browsing news sites and other "innocent" stuff. I hope this helps. Keep posting and all the best.

Hi Everyone!
It's not easy for me to write what I'm about to write, but I'll write it because I know that it's part of my journey to reach real long lasting freedom.
In the last post I wrote that its humiliating, although I know that its not humiliating at all, (shoutout for Grant) but I expressed what I felt at the moment.
But what happened last night felt really humiliating! However after talking to a good friend (shout out for Eerie) I was convinced that Its normal and nothing extraordinary and happens among the strongest of us too, I'm still digesting & internalizing what he told me.

The fall: The past few days were pretty stressful & overwhelming for me, (for good reasons) and to add to that, my wife is not clean, and she was not home for 4 days!!! (first time ever), which makes it pretty understandable why it happened what happened. It again started with the news, but this time indifferent than the last I was more aware that this will probably lead to inappropriate stuff, And it did. and this time it endded up with mastubating to the point of ejeculation, I also watched on YouTube awful garbage... I was actually shocked that there are such bad videos on YouTube (if not the filter I would see much worse videos), before getting that relife and empty felling that comes after ejeulation I had thoughts to watch porn for the first time since joining GYE.

My Yetzer haras reaction: You see! you are not worth anything. All the hard work of staying clean 21 days was for vain! You will never get out of this! You do not have the strength! All the effort was for nothing, now you are back to square 1, and even deeper down! There's no end to this behavior, you will be with it forever! Hashem looks at you and says, Huh! I thought, That you are strong, That you grew, That you won't lose it, That you really want to do my ratzon, What a disappointment! What a failure! What a shame! ..............

My True self reacting: NO! I'm worth more than I can imagine! The 21 were not for vain, they are 21 days to be proud of! the nachas ruach it gave to Hashem is priceless! Yes I will get out of it! The first few times I tried walking, The first few times I tried riding a bike... I also fell, but it did not make me think for a second that I'll never be able to walk or to ride a bike, The same is true now. I do have the strength! or Hashem would not put me in this. The effort was not for nothing nor am I back to square one nor am I deeper down, just the opposite all the effort I invested built me tons! I fell from square 21 to 20, and and now I'm continuing to 21, Every time I fall I fall from a higher place to a place just below, I'll never be back to where I was, That's simply not possible. There will be an end to this, I'll reach long lasting freedom at last! Hashem looks at me and is amazed how I continue to fight and do not give up despite all setbacks.  Yes! It was worth to put him through this! He's doing an awesome job! In his essence he wants to do only my razon! What a success! He keeps on flourishing with all his inner beauty!

My lesson is: I have learnt what I needed now its time for me to implement the lesson I've learnt, "לא המדרש עיקר, אלא המעשה".

I write this for myself, and for all my fellow friend to learn and be inspired from it.
Thanks for reading!
P.S. Thanks Eerie for opening my ear to hear my inner voice!!! I wouldn't be able to do it without you!!!Continuing my journey to freedom.
True self.

wow! I'm really sorry to hear about your fall. I can really relate to it, when we had a baby a few months ago, i came home from the hospital the night that the baby was born and masturbated!!! Does that make sense?? Hashem just gave me a beautiful gift! My wife and baby are healthy...and thats what i give Him in return???? I masturbated every day that my wife was away. BH today I wont do that anymore.

I can really relate to your challenge, as well as starting out with news and slowly slipping for other things.

[p]But my friend, you are a real inspiration for me. You’re a strong person, a learned person, lots of positivity, we are all human and falling is part of life (ask Biden…

After a child is born, everyone in the family is in emotional turmoil. Yes, it's a very happy time, BH. Yet, at the same time, we are undergoing huge changes (especially by a first child). Emotional turmoil equals stress. And a new baby has lots of that:) There's the transition, there's hormones in the wife, there's a lot of physical pain for the wife, there's a cute thing that screams just when you want quiet. There's the normal worries, will I be a good father, will my wife be a good mother, will she ever stop crying (note from the editor-my wife happens to never cry, but I hear that the vast majority do)
And we all know what role stress plays in this battle

true_self wrote on 01 Jun 2023 20:52:

This post deserves to be etched in stone. A literal masterpiece, true_self!

This is a seeing things with a clarity that is borne from honesty. Intellectualism trumping emotion. Just brilliant and beautiful! 

I hope to learn from you. 

Thank you Hashem for Eerie, a selfless angel I must get to know.

The Alter Fun Kelm once told a story of a man who spent years building the beautiful house of his dreams.
At long last, when all the exquisite wallpaper was hung, gleaming woodwork was varnished, and the inlaid floors were ready, all the furniture delivered, the family was ready to move in.
The man climbed up on a ladder to hang a big shining Mezuza on the archway by the front door of his new home.
As he closed his eyes to make the Bracha with kavana, he shukled back and forth. The ladder shifted, and he toppled over, falling with a crash, into a pile of leftover building materials below, the ladder landing on him. It was a terrible fall.
Disoriented, battered, broken, and bleeding he began to scream:"My house, my beautiful house! It fell down!! Oy after all I worked these long years, my beautiful house has broken down and is ruined!"
The people told him - "The house you built is standing tall and proud. It's just you who fell. Pick yourself up, clean yourself off, heal, and you'll still be able to move right in!"  

My dear, tayereh friend,
Your home of Kedusha, the Binyan of strength and growth that you are in the process of building in your special Neshoma is still gleaming and whole, standing proud. Ruchniyus is built for eternity. You fell. Dust yourself off, pick yourself up higher, and move back in! The whole universe is waiting for you to do it.

And I am humbly learning from you, growing from your immense courage and special Neshoma.