Wow. Your so strong

yitz23 wrote on 21 May 2023 03:40:

That's really great! 

Grant400 wrote on 18 May 2023 15:06:

I am curious what you mean by that- take a break from sex, don't try anything cool, something else?
For me, making my wife feel good was a big focus for me, and it just added pressure. Recently, I started just doing what I felt like (of course checking in if she was enjoying it, but I took charge) and it has been so much better for both of us. 

Hi Yitz
You are amazing! I have read your posts. I'm blown away of how you're going about your struggles, You are full of aspiration and ambition!
Keep on inspiring all of us you have lots of power to change and you will succeed if you keep on going on this track.
Take it day by day, create small milestones so that you don't lose your patience.
I love to read your posts!

Wishing you all the best
True self

יהוסף הצדיק wrote on 21 May 2023 13:50:

That's exactly what I mean. From porn and movies we expect our wives to "enjoy" specific things and "react" certain ways, and we convince ourselves it's for selfless reasons. For her. We are "focusing" on "her" pleasure. 

We create pressure, unknowingly. Ruins everything. Turns something that can be beautiful, ugly and painful. 

What does she really want? Maybe that, maybe something else, maybe nothing at all. 

How does she react? Maybe that, maybe something else, maybe nothing at all. 

Start from scratch. Discover together.

yitz23 wrote on 21 May 2023 03:40:

powerful.

how do you feel about that?

Grant400 wrote on 21 May 2023 16:33:

Thanks for that Grant. So many of us that have been exposed to things we never should have been learned from there to pleasure our wives in certain ways. In reality the idea in porn was never her, it was the power the man feels that he can control her body to elicit just the right reaction. (which is all staged) And in our marriages, where we work on fixing the damage we've done and start doing things right, we have to learn what she really wants, and do it because she wants it, and we care and love, and therefore we try to please. Don't assume you know what she enjoys. Ask, and you may be surprised. I was. I hope this discussion is still appropriate even though it is outside of the ballei battim section

Horizon wrote on 21 May 2023 18:16:

As usual, Horizon, you are right on target asking great questions.

Horizon, let me just say I really appreciate you as a great friend and you are so on point with your amazing posts.

I feel extremely anxious about crossing into uncharted territory. 

I feel like my body doesn't think it can take it much longer.

I had my closest brush with a fall last night, looking at less-than-appropriate literature (no pictures).

I feel as if I'm walking on thin ice, waiting to crash into the freezing water.

thanks for those compliments yitz! they mean a lot. also, I'm touched that you call me a great friend. I hope to continue building our friendship.

its good to share your feelings. I hope you find ease and calmness to move on confidently.
(**chizuk warning**) what you write that you're not sure your body can take it, you've probably heard, and it's written in many a post, that our body's don't need this. we can manage perfectly physically and emotionally without masterbating. yes we want it and it feels good, but it helps to remember that it isn't a must.

while you dont write this, im taking the breitkait to say (and correct me if im wrong) that im sure you feel proud of your achievement, and excited to continue on to 30 and 40. that you learned how strong you are and how much you can accomplish. that alongside your nervous feelings you feel accomplished, excited and strong.
please continue inspiring, i look forward to congratulating you (and joining you) on 30 and 40 days, and then on 300 and 400 days and on and on. hashem should help it shouldn't be too hard.

hatzlacha,
horizon

p.s.

Grant400 wrote on 21 May 2023 16:33:

Brilliantly explained Grant!
​This explains so well the situation many of us who watched porn experience in their marriage.
And this is what we need to change, we need to change our entire attitude towards sex life, Quitting porn is only the first (and very big) step in the right direction, however we also need to learn from torah sources about it in order to change our view on this.

Yitz, you are an inspiration for all of us! And especially for the guys that have the SSA challenge. Keep it up. As you taste success, you are guiding the whole oilam here.

wow! I'm so moved by you. please keep your beautiful posts coming. I am very inspired by you and am clean for a longer period of time now than I normally make through and hope to continue!  keep inspiring us all!

Dear friend, anything I could say was said by our friends here, so all I'll say is KEEP TRUCKING!

I fell a bit behind on this thread, and I just spent a few minutes catching myself up. I have to say, I'm getting indigestion from all the food for thought that is being offered here. Trueself, Horizon,Grant, and "Achron Achron Chaviv" YITZ23, you have given me so much to think about and internalize. Your words are full of depth and understanding and inspiration. This whole thread is an absolute must-read for anyone battling the SSA battle. Thank you to everyone for your part (and if I forgot to mention someone, I apologize) and I wish you all the best. Keep on posting, we're counting on you. 

monseyyid41 wrote on 23 May 2023 14:41:

Thank you so much, Monseyyid, for your kind words.

Your chizzuk is, frankly, sorely needed at this point. Yeshiva has been rough this week and I am feeling pretty lonely. And I'm fighting this monster.

However, posting on this forum has brought out a koach in me that has been long dormant.

I am BH very smart and I understand people well, but in real life I have not shared that side of me enough. I have a tendency to hold back from saying things that make me sound too knowledgeable. I mask my maalos for a fear of standing out, I shield my real self from being seen so I am safe from rejection.

On this forum, I can talk freely, I can share my experience and my take on some things I've spent years ruminating over in my mind. I can talk as an equal to older, more accomplished people. I don't have to play dumb out of a fear of making people feel bad about how much I know.

And people on the forum responded so warmly and affirmingly! People are impressed with me! People have reached out on the live chat or over the phone to get chizzuk from me, as well.

It has spilled over a little bit to my life outside GYE as well: I have been sharing my thoughts (and Torah thoughts) with my friends much more confidently. I have been talking to some friends about their different situations, helping them get comfort and clarity (what some people call DMCs).

These are things I always suspected I'd be good at, I just never let myself breath easily enough to go for it.

GYE has been very good for me in many ways.

(I'm not trying to sound like a ba'al gaivah, I'm just trying to be me. And to not be scared.)