Geshmak! wrote on 22 Feb 2023 03:50:

I would add that this forum is publicly searchable even for those who aren't members.
Hatzlacha!

Im having a really rough day. Actually crying while typing this...theres something im struggling with beyond masturbation and for me its even more embarrassing. Its not even meant for this forum but i havent found any other support group for this. I dont deal with stress very well. In fact i cant deal with it at all. I used to just fall apart when i got stressed out, but now i started getting angry. sometimes, like today, i get really angry. with myself. with my kids. not with my wife. but i emote very strongly to her and its toxic for us. i complain to her when things get out of hand.
Its so hard for me to say.. i sometimes throw things out of anger which scares my wife. as a kid i had no self esteem at all so im used to thinking that what i say or do doesnt make a difference to people. now as the head of a household its such a no-no to lose it, but im so not used to the fact that my negative emotions actually impact others. 
this is really baring my soul here..i started using bad language to myself. no one else ever heard it from me. i never even revealed it to my therapist..you guys are the first to hear (anyone feel honored?)
it started with what the "he.." then that wasnt satisfying enough so i moved on to "da.." 
now i've "graduated" to the real four-letter-word. i admit this at the risk of losing any respect i may have garnered from my week at GYE.
I feel this is worse than masturbating. when a person masturbates he is experiencing pleasure. this is nothing but an animalistic, low, undignified, subhuman way of reacting to stress. this addiction is worse for me than any sexual issues i struggle with. i know this isnt really a forum for anger and language issues but i dont know of any other anonymous forum..
i struggle with my kids (oldest is just four)...i've been reading all kinds of books and listening to classes and talking to my therapist but i just cant seem to get a handle on it. is there anyone out there struggling with this too? this makes me feel so much worse than a fall to sexual desires. its so goyish and just uuugghh... once or twice ive felt suicidal from the stress. ive never felt that way after a sexual setback. Im so ashamed but im stuck in the YH of anger and cursing. it makes me feel more dirty and damaged than all the pritzus in the world. can anyone relate? can someone help?

I can. And probably most people here on their level and when they had their bad days. There were times that I thought maybe I am totally ruining my kids. And I realized I really am. I traumatized myself when I realized where anger got me, and what it was doing to them. We have to really realize that our children, and on smaller level our wives, look to us to be their bedrock, their support, their dictionary of the world and all that's in it. We need to internalize that our children need our love more than they need toys and treats. They need us to love them, and to express that love. Every time you come into the house, give every kid a hug and kiss, and tell them "I love you more than anything you can imagine!" Play with your kids, work on bringing out your love and expressing it, and keep repeating to yourself, this is absolutely essential for my children's wellbeing. They will reciprocate the love, and the love will grow and grow. I'm not saying you shouldn't learn anger management, but realize that your children's health is dependant on your love. Nobody can or will do what you can. Hugs and kisses as often as you can!

the worst part is that i know all this and i still have a difficult time.
My kids were just away for a while  after we had a new baby (did i mention i have amazing in-laws?)
i went to pick them up and they came running to me hugging and kissing me. my shvigger told me that my oldest said "i cant wait to see tatty because i love him so much"
so clearly i am doing SOMETHING right..but when he spills water on the floor or turns over the garbage can on purpose when its already a stressful situation...i just cant deal with it! (i also feel silly to be in a sort of "power struggle" with a four year old)

Hey Rabbeinu YFS Shlit"a.



I totally get it that DW finding out is an absolutely terrifying thought. In fact, my wife is still thoroughly convinced that I visit GYE as a "mentor" (such an innocent and beautiful soul...). And I greatly encourage you to take every possible shemira.



But if she does ever find out - chances are that it won't ruin your marriage. You can ask HHM or another veteran regarding the statistics, but I do believe that they would be on your side.



​So don't spend your anxiety chips worrying about this too much. Just do your best to protect yourself (and her)!



Just sayin' from Grodno ~ img

On a lighter note, if i post about getting angry then im "going postal"

Whoever has been reading this thread knows how much emphasis i was putting on keeping this from my wife.
Well, she just asked me who is HHM

Yeshayahu 41:6 wrote on 24 Feb 2023 03:52:

lol!
Tell her geshmak loves him!! 

She asked if he's from GYE..
ARE ALL HUSBANDS AS CLUELESS AS THIS ONE????
So far im not the dead duck i thought i was...
if i need a minyan later for yetzias neshama will the oilum help out?

The truth is the best lie

Yeshayahu 41:6 wrote on 24 Feb 2023 04:24:

Lolol! You’re so funny!! I think I should come over now so we won’t need to come on to minyen. Seriously speaking what did you tell her???
( she’s a normal person and I think she can understand that many normal successful smart geshmakah etc. man have issues with these things she can just look at gye and see that over 13,000 members are on here…) hope things work out easy buddy!

She apologized for being nosey and dropped it (for now)
I kid you not

I just read the first post on your thread. Wow I can totally relate. My story is different than yours on many of the fine points, but in terms of where you find yourself now, or where you found yourself a week ago, I can really relate.

The feeling of betrayal of Hashem after all he's given you. It's a very very deep feeling. I think it's very deep because as humans and especially jews we are 'wired' to be ovdei Hashem, and the mechanism through which we can achieve this is reciprocity, that ist hrough being makir tov to Hashem for all the good he does for us, a feeling of obligation to fulfill Hashem's ratzon is formed within us which then forms the basis of our avoda. That's the m'halach of the chovos hal'vavos. (as i understood it when I read shaar avodas elokim someyears ago.) So when we behave in a way which causes us to question ourselves as 'makiriei tov', we are in essence casting doubt on whether we have the fundamental quality which allows usto be good people in the Torah sense of the word. And it's immensely painful.
I myself struggle with this very strongly.

One thing I can say after reading your post is that Hashem gave you an immense challenge. The point of how you didn't experience sexual pleasure as a bochur, and then when you got married and finally had a taste it was taken away, this point in particular is very powerful. I feel your pain. It soundsl ike it feels to you like Hashem is out to get you. But given that the challenge is so immense, I think you should recognize that failing to meet the challenge (to whatever extent) does not constitute a lack of hakaras hatov. Though it's true that if you had the darga of hakaras hatov that Moshe Rabbeinu had (y'or) it might be enough to prevent you from giving in, not being Moshe Rabbeinu doesn't make you a kafuy tova. It just means you're normal like the other billions of people besides Moshe Rabbeinu.

It's very hard to find the balance between recognizing that the b'chira in inyanei y'sod is a b'chira y'sodis, while at the same time recognizing that the stronger the challenge is, the less our failures are definitive of us. R' Yisrael writes that the focus of a person in t'shuva should be whatever areas are easiest for him to be m'saken. (i'm not trying to discourage you from working on this c'v, just making a point.) In a certain way, these are the things that define us most. Struggling in areas which are extremely difficultfor us is just struggling in areas that are very difficult for us. It doesn't define you.

6 days clean rabotai!

Love these posts! a healthy dose of humor combined with a genuine desire to grow. Keep at it and wishing you much Hatzlacha! It sounds like you have your fair share of challenges and may you have much Siyaata Dishmaya in overcoming them.
Regarding the kids from reading your posts you must be an incredible father, it is such a bracha that they love you so much. Just thought would share  something i often do at night before i go to sleep. I stand outside their room and look at them whilst they are sleeping and i recite Krias Shema Al Hamita. I try and focus especially on the pesukim Bsheim Hashem and Yevarechecha and I imagine Malachim surrounding them and protecting them and Hashem's Shechina above them. I find images like that very powerful and it helps me focus. 
Wishing you a wonderful Shabbos