Hi everyone. I just discovered this site today and couldnt believe i hadnt heard of it before. I immediately signed up, how could I not? I've always wanted to share my story and I never found the opportunity. Here goes (deep breath..)
I am bH a married man with several yummy delicious children ka"h and an amazing stellar wife. I could go on and on about how blessed my life is. I have friends, chavrusas, parnassa, great family and in-laws, everyone's healthy bH etc.
As a bochur, I was a good boy. ("huh? what are you doing here??")
I basically never looked at anything improper (besides for maybe one or two times that I saw a pretty immodestly clad lady and thought innocently "hey she looks nice" and moved on without a second thought). It was always "beneath me"; something that I knew was prohibited and would become permitted and holy when I married. So my brain was kind of shut off to it. However, for as long as I can remember, I felt attracted to other boys in my class. Not everyone, just the really good looking ones. It got more and more intense as I got older and I would find myself having erections, sometimes daily, and I hadnt a clue as to what it was. Starting in my mid-teen years I would occasionally wake up wet, also totally unaware what it meant (need I mention I was quite sheltered?) Eventually, I learned about sexual attraction and would hear my classmates talking about girls. I suddenly realized that my, um, "obsession" with certain boys was not really the natural order of things. It drove me into sort of a panic, to the point that I was once relieved to wake up wet remembering that the dream from the night before featured girls instead of boys.
I don't remember when, but sometime in my mid to late teen years I watched a movie with an immodest pretty lady in it to convince myself that I could be attracted to girls (ummm...it worked).
I never had any form of sexual contact with anyone (boy or girl) until marriage. Neither have I self pleasured. 
After getting married to an amazing wonderful wife, things started changing slowly. We had a rocky start to our marriage and especially with intimacy. Here we are years later and it's still a struggle although much more stable due to intense therapy. However, the consistent lack of marital intimacy, and the stress of moving, leaving kollel to get a new job (a wrenching experience for many), having a new baby bH, and dealing with several frisky little ones with no idea how to parent, has driven me to find an outlet. I started going to the local libraries to find images and videos of girls doing things that I found arousing. Then, I got a job that necessitated having a computer and knowing the struggles I started having, I IMMEDIATLY put a filter on it. But somehow some things got through and the self pleasuring continued. My wife doesnt know a THING about this at all. Just me, my therapist, and whoever reads this
Sometimes the driving force was anger. I was such a good boy! I didnt do anything wrong as a child! I was confronted with homosexual thoughts for YEARS and didnt act on them ONCE!! I had never tasted sexual pleasure! And now after getting married and I saw and experienced it, it was abruptly taken away from me?! Why did Hashem do this to me?? It seemed like letting a kid have his first taste of ice cream and then grabbing it away.
I know these thoughts are heretical, but those were the thoughts I was having. I was so angry I acted out of desperation to get "Heavenly attention". Ironically, my wife had gotten more interested in intimacy and I was less interested because of my "excursions". 
So now I find myself masturbating with just the memories of what I've seen. Each day that goes by without it feels like a week.
I want to scream and cry out to Hashem but I feel like the gates of Heaven are closed in my face. Hashem gives me so much and this is what I do?? I never thought it was possible for me to sink so low! I never suffered abuse as a child so theres no reason I should be struggling with this. Now its just pleasure. Sure, sometimes its to escape stress etc but many times its just pleasure. Like an animal! I wish I could cry, why am I not? Why isnt my heart filled with regret? I scared of all the demons I have created with wasted seed. I know teshuva is always possible but how can I do teshuva for real if I dont feel any deep regret? 

sorry, I accidentally deleted my post!  Thank you for opening up here. I am confident that you will make great strides, and be able to see yourself in a much better light.

​Almost everyone has an inner desire to connect and be accepted. often that desire is not fulfilled and we seek it out in other places, such as fantasy land. This is very common and has nothing to do with abuse.  The feeling is addictive, but there are many tools here to help you break free from that.

with regard to regret, and teshuva, do not worry about that now.  just follow a plan to improve your behaviors, and the rest will come naturally.  

best wishes
vehkam

Welcome, friend. Looking forward to traveling with you on your journey of self discovery. It might start off a bit bumpy but the content is great and the company is top notch!

A very warm welcome Bradley!
Beautiful first post! It reminds me of the epiphany I had when I first discovered GYE about a year ago. There are many tools and strategies available here that you may never have been aware of. (I certainly wasn't.) Reaching out and connecting to the amazing people here is really very powerful. And you can stop feeling guilty about not feeling guilty (which in my mind counts as feeling guilty in the place:)) You clearly want to stop and you're in the right place to make that happen! Just don't race ahead of yourself, you'll end up crashing like Bradley Smith:)
Hatzlocho and looking forward to hearing more from you!

thanks to all for the warm welcome and support!
@iwillmanage, are you saying that bradley smith is a real person?

Hi! שלם עליכם!! 
welcome to the club of people just like you looking to get ( or got already) there clean haligah life back! Hatzlachah rabbah!!
גוט שבת

Welcome. Excellent first post. Courageous and very clear. Hang around here and iyh you will get out of this mess. As an aside, in a therapy like setting, getting your feelings out is not viewed as heretical. 

Very true. My therapist told me one client asked him if he's allowed to be angry at his mother. The answer: "It doesnt matter. You ARE angry at her!"

iLoveHashem247 wrote on 17 Feb 2023 06:37:

I just read your story and I feel so small compared to you! Its such an honor to get a response from you!

Welcome to our chevra. Thank you for sharing your story. You now have an amazing and tight group of people who will be here for you to help you and cheer you on. The gates of heaven are not closed! The first step toward healing has been taken. You joined GYE. Keep us posted and let us know what we can do for you. 

Hi, my friend! Welcome! Here we are brothers, as you've already seen from all  the responses, and we care for you and want to hear from you. So many things I identify with in your post. I would say that when you are out of this for a little bit, and you start feeling true to yourself, that's Teshuva. Don't think about the past, my friend. Think about the future. One day at a time. There are good tools here and many tips from the oilam haGYE, learn the ropes and one day in the far off future you'll stop to think about your past. Those demons ain't gonna help so forget about them for a little, and one day you'll see that your Teshuva m'ahava turned them all into beautiful white angels. Keep posting and let us know how you are doing!

bradley smith wrote on 17 Feb 2023 18:41:

Ty for your kind words, but I’m a regular guy just like you. That’s the most amazing thing about working on the middah of kedusha - it doesn’t matter who you are to the outside world, in the real world (not the outside world) we are all able to accomplish what Hashem prepared for us. 

keep it up chabibi. You will be amazed to see where you end up!

So much i want to write. can't. wife is around and she cant see me doing this. she actually discovered the site on the computer and showed it to me saying " we need to get this filtered"
my heart almost stopped beating but i think im still safe

bradley smith wrote on 19 Feb 2023 04:55:

Lol! I know it’s not funny but I just had a good laugh. Thank you! 
But seriously speaking. What’s the plan? How are you gonna be able to continue on gye?
maybe try incognito… good luck!

Not sure...I couldnt have asked for a better wife. but shes not so understanding when  it comes to these things. she grew up very frum and sheltered.
Im happy i gave you a laugh