You are an inspiration! keep it up... up, up and away!

Now writing, after not writing for a while.
For all those that are here for more than a few months.
Fact. Getting past the adjustment period takes more effort than just keeping it up after you got it.
(why am I writing about myself in third person? it's the emotional block that I don't like to face myself.)
It's hard, actually very hard, when the urges rear their ugly (for some reason there are moments when it feels not so ugly) head.
It's tough, I don't picture myself overcoming the urge at the end of the drawn out emotional ride it takes me. Perhaps holding it off for a day, or two, or a while. But I actually don't see the urge going away, the trigger lingers on.
Do you feel me?
Why do I need you chevra to feel me? (why is this question even bothering me?) But I know that you do.
So do you relate?

I ca be your brother 
Sometimes I feel like its just who i am and it is what it is and sometimes  I can feel like I can get it under control.

As far as the filter i work for someone who had no filter One day i just uploaded techloq and it has helped so much I think you will be suprised but most probably your boss will be happy if you upgrade the filter he is just not on top of it be smart about how you mention it but it can be done

Dear R’ M111,

Yes, I can relate to that thought that the triggers will never disappear but the more we exercise the more weight we’ll be able to lift. So keep on doing your amazing work and you will IYH see light at the end of the tunnel. Its dark and lonely (when we don’t post so often…). But my friend, we are here for you. you can always come and write your heart out.

I just read your thread from beginning – kudos to you for doing all you can to minimize your access and BTW today is the anniversary of when you started this thread – 12/27/2022 – look how much you’ve grown!

m111 wrote on 27 Dec 2023 16:36:

One day at a time brother, one day at a time. I think we all wonder that, "when will this just stop??" But I don't know that it ever will. Kinda just need to accept it.
And then, somehow, after many one days, it seems like the urge is less. Does it "go away." Idk. Hasn't for me, maybe people here who've gotten fully clean can comment on that.

Yes, BH it goes away pretty much, talking for myself bli ayin hara. Of course you need to stay vigilant, lulei Hashem be'oizri... but it is worlds away from compulsion for p&m daily...

frank.lee wrote on 27 Dec 2023 18:49:

Mazel tov @frank.lee on reaching 90 days.

(sorry for hijacking the forum)

Thank you for your comment. I am new here too. I am also a mashpia and have been in various roles throughout my career and the thought of "am I a hypocrite?" has plagued me continuously. How can I be a source of inspiration if I am no better? I managed to hang on and deep down I know that the fact that I'm still in the fight means that I have what to share, aderaba, I know the fight too well and can relate to the challenge facing others.
I get chizuk from reading that there are others out there with the same concerns. I wonder how many are struggling even among those who are supposed to be 'above all this'. There has never been a generation with struggles quite like ours, GYE has got to be a big part of the tikun.
May we all see much hatzlacha! 

siyatta wrote on 27 Dec 2023 20:07:

reb siyatta, check out r eeries thread, if you haven't already

Hello everyone,
It's been about a year and a half that I'm in this.
A journey of up and downs, like a stock market graph, when you zoom in to one area it has drastic downs, but the overall direction is up.
That today's place is drastically higher than the starting point.

I've been to an emotional wellness workshop, and the change that is happening within me is:
Managing porn and masturbation (I've since learned to call it out explicitly by it's name, because that is what it is, not more and not less),
practically is a lot about managing triggers, and emotional needs, filling them in different ways,
However,
What do I choose?
What do I need?
Do I care about Hashem?
Is this all about just being  practical with my emotions and triggers, or is it about 
My choice?
Me choosing Hashem?
Hashem choosing me?
Hashem looking at me and saying:
"Please do this for me"
Me with my own self,
and not:
my inspiration, 
need for a good life, 
need to be successful in keeping the Torah,
need to have a good intimate relationship with my wife,
need to be productive (read not waste time, energy, and precious sleep by looking at screens),
But, I repeat, Me with my own self, 
is what Hashem wants,
He wants me to choose him,
not that inspiration etc. should choose him,
not that practical, Torah, emotianal, and marrige needs should choose,
those things choose the Torah, and the porn and masturbation free life,
But I,
choose Him.

Do you feel me?

(To Vehakam: I think now I can relate to your stressing the importance of real (not fluff..) relationship with Hashem with this porn and masturbation struggle)

Hello everyone,
It's been about a year and a half that I'm in this.
A journey of up and downs, like a stock market graph, when you zoom in to one area it has drastic downs, but the overall direction is up.
That today's place is drastically higher than the starting point.

I've been to an emotional wellness workshop, and the change that is happening within me is:
Managing porn and masturbation (I've since learned to call it out explicitly by it's name, because that is what it is, not more and not less),
practically is a lot about managing triggers, and emotional needs, filling them in different ways,
However,
What do I choose?
What do I need?
Do I care about Hashem?
Is this all about just being  practical with my emotions and triggers, or is it about 
My choice?
Me choosing Hashem?
Hashem choosing me?
Hashem looking at me and saying:
"Please do this for me"
Me with my own self,
and not:
my inspiration, 
need for a good life, 
need to be successful in keeping the Torah,
need to have a good intimate relationship with my wife,
need to be productive (read not waste time, energy, and precious sleep by looking at screens),
But, I repeat, Me with my own self, 
is what Hashem wants,
He wants me to choose him,
not that inspiration etc. should choose him,
not that practical, Torah, emotional, and marriage needs should choose,
Because those things don't choose Him,
they choose the Torah, good relationships, and the porn and masturbation free life,
But I,
choose Him.

Do you feel me?

(To Vehakam: I think now I can relate to your stressing the importance of real (not fluff..) relationship with Hashem with this porn and masturbation struggle)

You wisely wrote - "Managing porn and masturbation (I've since learned to call it out explicitly by it's name, because that is what it is, not more and not less),"

That is a very important step guys need to take in getting better. Discussing it clinically - it is what it is and nothing more, is very healthy. We tend to make super powerful monsters out of these things - which just creates panic and hopelessness. Continued hatzlocha!

Hashem Help Me wrote on 09 Apr 2024 10:56:

Name It to Tame It
This is a technique that involves noticing and labeling emotions as they’re happening. Identifying an intense emotion (“naming”) has the effect of reducing the stress and anxiety (“taming”) in the brain and the body that that emotion is causing.

In addition to in-the-moment relief, this practice also strengthens our capacity over time to be with big emotions when they arise, without getting swept up in them.

Thanks! I missed this back then..

M111,

im new here and just read your entire post, boy can I relate!

im a rebbi (BM boys), Baal tefilla, posek, daf yomi maggid shiur, on my shuls board…. And began my struggle with P&M at 11 years old…..

your thread has given me a ton of chizzuk in my journey - strengthened by the care and concern the GYE family shows - and I hope to continue growing from your future posts along with the whole oilam here. 

kol tuv!
Muttel