I relate to that as well. Maybe it's because part of the way the yetzer keeps us pinned down is by telling us that the bad things we have done and do define us. And the journey of breaking free involves becoming free of that way of looking at ourselves, of freeing the true good within us from the reign of the bad which exists within us too. And as we learn to look at ourselves as good people in spite of the painful things we have done, we automatically look at others that way as well

simchastorah wrote on 26 Mar 2023 21:09:

Absolutely! Beautifully said. And Iwillmanage, I appreciate that, but you know me from my journey here. I think I was always a caring person, but now I learned how to look at a person. 

Wow Dear friend Reb Eerie,
I could not believe that I didn't see that post on day 200 when you had almost lost it all thank you for sharing that!
Behatzlacha Raba

Thank you, my friend. BH for filters, and BH for the friends who were there for me then, and continue to be at my side.
Over Yom Tov I was thinking a lot about my journey, I was looking at the bochurim that came back home for bein hazmanim, and I wondered how many of them struggle. I wondered about how many of them think that they are doomed to struggle forever, how many of them think that the struggle is insurmountable, that nothing will ever really change. I know that it's not the same for everyone, but many people here have expressed the sentiment of how joining here changed everything, which is what I feel, too. I has a desire to go over and tell some of them that there's hope! There is a way out! You CAN be different! 
Of course I did nothing of the sort, but I daven that every struggling Jew find this place and learn that he really can change.

Eerie wrote on 16 Apr 2023 16:36:

Hey eerie nice to hear your shmoozin again

Misgaber96 wrote on 15 Apr 2023 13:18:

I appreciate that, my friend. But I would not call it "almost lost it all", maybe I almost fell, but if I fell would I have lost it all? I would have nothing more than the moment that I messed up. The 200 days that I had before would have still been mine, and they will be mine forever and ever. Falling does not make us lose even one drop of the success of the clean times. This is something that is so important to keep reminding ourselves! If a person falls every 10th day, at the end of the year he has 35 days to give an accounting for and 320 shining, beautiful days to be proud of!!! Of course he has to work on himself to keep growing and do all he can to keep minimizing the falls, but he has to always remind himself of the accomplishments of the 9 day  streaks that he has, and that in itself will give him the power to keep growing

Wanted to share with the oilam.
I am BH up to 240 days, kein yirbu beH. I recently posted how BH this journey has been mostly much easier than I expected it to be, and in the past few months I have sometimes thought that I am past all this, I will never fall again. BH I still did not fall, but I learned again of my weakness and of all the safeguards we need in place.
One of the first I did when I started my journey upwards was that I made a kabbalah that I do not use an unsafe device, and if the need arises I will text my accountability partner before I get on it, and I will report to him when I get off. If I use it without texting first I will rip $200 to shreds Yesterday I needed to use an unsafe device for something, and I texted my partner that I will be on. While I was using it I had a very strong urge to use it to "just check something, news maybe etc....", I really wanted to click on the browser, and the YH put up quite a fight, but what kept me strong was that I knew I have a partner to answer to.
Lesson learned: I still have a YH (surprise, surprise!) that is very powerful! And having an accountability partner is invaluable! So thank you Hashem for friends that stand by me and hold me strong, and thanks to my accountability partner for everything!

I had the same type of thing over Bein Hazmanim, the main thing that kept me strong was my accountability partner. Thank you so much for sharing this!

Eerie wrote on 19 Apr 2023 17:11:

Erie, I love your post.
I am here close to 9 1/2 years, and out of that, I have been 2375 days clean. That's like 6 1/2 years clean.
My longest strike was 489 days 

So it wasn't in one strike, but it was with hundreds and thousands times saying NO and by always getting up and continue to fight.

Eerie wrote on 19 Apr 2023 17:59:

Thank you for sharing that! Kol hakavod for pulling through on the nissoyon! We really can't take any breaks and let the guard down.

Can I ask, if it c"v ever comes to it, that you give me the money to rip up? 

I don't fully get the inyan of shredding good cash. I understand that there's a psychological effect of some sort and it's a lot more painful than just donating to tzedoko, but is that extra pain necessary to achieve the desired effect. Have there been reported cases of the YH convincing guys that it's actually a mitzvah to go on that site because you'll get the zechus of giving tzedoko as well? It's not that it bothers me what someone else does with his money, it doesn't. It's only that it was nogaya for me today. I also found myself with an unfiltered device and I hadn't made a plan for the scenario. So the YH used the age old tactic of putting me onto the slippery slope by getting me to search for something as ridiculous as 'kosher pics of women' (badatz porn or something?). Bh I didn't slip further (maybe the pictures that came up were a damper) but I decided to make myself a kenas to donate to GYE if I do that again. Should I change it to ripping up the money instead? I'm not sure that it sits well with me to waste the money like that. (Like we shouldn't waste seed. K, we'll leave that out).   

Hey. I'm not sure why I'm getting so into something that's never gonna actually happen. Hopefully.

iwillmanage wrote on 19 Apr 2023 23:40:

To me such a knas, is rewarding to give to charity so doing so.. although I "lose" money, I still win by giving to tzedakah, so.. at the end there isn't a true full knas being done towards me. 

But as a challenge with a chaver - we would pay up each other if we either lose, and if both then no one pays, rather then giving to tzedakah. Because in essense as b4 - I appreciate mitzvos and it is innocently allowing you to watch more garbage while being "a good yid".

-Burning the money, to be honest, I was fascinated the first time I heard about it, it is a strange thing to do (or ripping it), however- we all naturally have a usage and want to use the money and never waste it, even an organization of which you don't like.. but still with like I said earlier it creates an appreciation for mitzvos or ironically can cause hatred (now thinking briefly for  a minute) to mitzvos or charity, because it is used as a knas, and your showing that you are giving it away when something bad happens, so your "punishing" yourself (the opposite view) to pay to charity that you may create now a hate to such donation cause.

I don't think anybody goes to see inappropriate things and thinks it's a mitzva to thereby give tzedaka. The idea here is to knas yourself. Imagine for one minute that your mashgiach in Yeshiva took 5 dollars from you for coming late, and he put it in the Yeshiva pushka. Now imagine that he put it into the vending machine to buy himself breakfast. Which hurts you more? Since the idea is to punish yourself, giving to tzedaka has an element of pacification. So, no, I won't send you the money. Because you are a friend, and I will be happy that it went to you. Maybe I will send it to Democratic Fund to Combat Climate Change. That's as good as ripping it up:)
I really liked your last line


​Not Hopefully! Definitely!!! Keep trucking, soaring, and yes, you will manage!

I've seen some people post about stam things that are going on, so I'll take the liberty to do the same. I was gonna post earlier today the following: "I'm having a crazy, stressful day. Like non stop stress through the roof, been handed a subpoena today-don't ask!, while doing a million and a half things. I feel like I can't handle it. Anybody care?"
I was trying to figure out what can I do to reduce the stress
I was so bombed out that I came here and forgot to post it
And then I went home, and I took a little nap, and the world looked so much brighter

I saw about a different nisayon, R' Miller suggests giving to a kosher organization you dont like. If there's a group of Kosher Jews you dislike, or a shul or organization. So long as it's a personal negiya, but it's a kosher frum organization/group/shul and objectively the money is going to a good cause. That way 1 The money is goign to good use 2 You arent happy about giving 3 It removes a bit sinas chinam from your heart. 

:grinning:he said it about getting up in the morning, if someone oversleeps.