Hi everyone.
I'm here for a few months but I didn't post about myself, and I decided to take that step. I still remember the first time when i emailed GYE I was trembling it was the first time I told someone my secret.

I am in my thirty's and I am struggling from about age 10 and never told a person I just suffered in silence.
When I was a kid one day I was going home from school and there was a CD playing on the bus of a kid singing and I got all funny type of thoughts and feelings and since then i had cravings to be together with someone physical and I would have a friend that I would have my hands on his shoulder and it was I my mind all day and night. But I felt stupid bad but I didn't know what to make of it.
i remember when I was 13 I learned reishis chachmah and went crazy and came in to a shul in Brooklyn where I lived at that time and the rov came over to me if I'm ok because I look like I'm fainting.
Then I went to mesivtah and I started working on myself good days good hours bad days.. and so on.
And at about age 15 it changed to girls.
b"H I never watched porn but I did try  to look at pictures and love videos and mainly on the street and fantasizing..
And I just went crazy. I was a very good boy a masmid lamden i was considered from the top boys but I felt like I have this big mask.
I had a chart that I filled in if I masturbated if i careful with my eyes, and I had knosos I had to pay, I always left over one thing from super and lunch to show my self that I don't have to give in to my temtation, cried and davend etc. And it didn't help much I used to try at least half my day should be good Rov. And I am not going to bore with the rest I'm sure a lot of you guys can finish the rest. (Which I didn't know at that time)
but the hardest thing was my MASK and that I knew i will never come out of hell.
I had very judgmental parents which didn't make it any easier. And I never felt comfortable in there presence because it should not leak out to them
I wanted to end my life because I felt I'm doing more damage then good.

The rest to continue

Sure sounds like quite a pekel to have carried around all by yourself for all those years.

What are you up to now?

Wow you have carried a lot by yourself and it is amazing that you are here. I'm sure many people here can relate to some parts of your story. (I definitely can.) You're in a safe and great place and we are looking forward to hearing more.

Please check out a great ebook called The Battle of the Generation that speaks to many of the things you discussed. And try out the audio series The Fight by Rabbi Shafier. The links to these can be found below in my signature. (They are free.)

And this idea that people that are trying so hard are going to go to hell and never come out is so far from the truth (though it's easy to see why people think that). Feel free to Direct Message me if you want to discuss further.

Wishing you much success.

I think that Hashem is extremely proud of you because even with this terrible burden you're still a frum Jew. Just my two cents.

No Mask wrote on 30 Sep 2021 22:24:

Today I'm looking back and I'm thanking Hashem that I stayed strong. And I continued learning and I was considered a top boy.
And I got engaged to a wonderful girl. (And I have a beautiful family which I so great full for)
And of course I thought game over. But as we all know here that it's not (and I have to say that until a few months ago I thought that is because my wife doesn't like to be together).

And I continued the fight.... Better days worse days...
And I told myself I can't die like this. And I thought maybe I have some emotional problem that is causing this whole thing. So I took the courage to call someone (for me it was a big deal I was considered a Top yungarman, and my parents always demanded that I have to be perfect so I didn't know any better)
And he told me it has nothing to do. (I have to admit that I wasn't open enough I just told him I have a lot of hirhurim..)
it was a very big slap for me because that was my last hope.

Another 3 years past new kabbolos trying with Simcha.. and better days....
but was going crazy the thought that I'm going to die like that drove me crazy.
And the mask I couldn't take, I'm considered a top yungarman, and Everytime I spoke with someone in my mind I was thinking if you would only know. I didn't want to shake hands with any talmud chachom because he would feel the tumah...

And about 2 years ago I gave up, not because I didn't want to work, only because I felt it was worse if I didn't look, because when I looked i try to see that there is nothing there, but if I didn't look I was going nuts, and fantasizing what's going on there...
But I felt so horrible.
And then something happened that I said that's it I'm willing to do whatever it takes to stop this, I was in supermarket and I (by mistake) brushed into another woman, and I said that's it. I can not go on like this.
and I found gye (and was considering other things). And B"H I'm standing today at a much better place.
I wrote on my paper when will I know if it's working for me, if it's not going to be worse if I don't look, and B"H i could say it's working.

First of all, i want to say that im amazed that after all this time you still stayed strong! 
Never watched porn and never acted out with anyone else! I really really really wish that i had been that strong. Im sure a LOT of us would say the same.... 
Now, It seems that you have a very common issue that is being raised by a very expecting and demanding parents and community image. For some reason this makes a lot of us fall into this. Probably because its an escape or because we cant take the pressure and expect to be less then is expected so we just feel the need to break out of our prison so to speak. So you are not alone at all....
Now, it seems that you have 1 huge issue and that is the 'mask' problem like you call it, the best thing to do with that, is to sit alone and really think if you want to be like this and if you had a choice what would you really want to be. If you can really convince yourself that all you want to be is a erliche yid, a hilige yid, a yid that is ready to die for Hashem. Then you are not wearing any masks, YOU. ARE. A. CHUSHIVE. YINGERMAN!!! 
The YH is trying to get you to sin and thats  not your fault, the only thing in our control is not to let ourself get convinced by the YH that we are really not good yiden and then he has won. if you keep fighting and telling yourself that you really dont want this and thant you have the power to win this (Which you clearly have) then the YH has no real power over you. 
On eof the big Tzadikim once said " People think that tadikim have no 'nisyonos'..... Tadikim have the biggest 'nisyonos' you have no idea wht stuff the YH brings to them". but they are tzadikim because they know its not them but the YH and they know they can laugh it off..
So keep on fighting him off laguhinkgly...... 

chancy wrote on 01 Oct 2021 15:31:

Thanks for your kind words, I will take your words.
But maybe i didn't elaborated enough that s*x was on my mind all day, and that  every women I saw I rated here, and fantasized  I couldn't go to a grocery etc. I got stuck with certain neighbors, every junk email that had a picture I would look at it (but i have to take credit that for most of the time I if I saw that a store sent not nice pictures i unsubscribed like clothing stores etc.)

Thank you again

B’’H I’m up to about 130 days clean and 95% clean from looking on the street and from lust.  And I feel the only reason I’m up to where I’m up to is because I’m clean from looking at women and any romance or love, because if I’m hyped up and aroused it’s very hard to apply all the tools.

How I did it,

1.       I learned urge surfing and to be mindful, and the main thing that helped me was that I was able to identify it as an outside thing, or like something that’s itching but it’s not real me. And even when I felt that my whole body, I was seeing it like a snake that poisoned me but it’s not the real me.

And every time I had an urge to look, I was thinking to myself where is it itching.

And that was the biggest thing for me, because when you are using power then you get even more exited and your mind is thinking what going on there, but when you just don’t need it, and that’s why you’re not looking, and going places to get it, then you feel good afterwards.

2.       Avoiding triggering places, if you’re constantly hyped up and aroused then it’s very hard to be mindful, and hard not to fantasize. Not to go to the supermarket when it’s busy, or someplace where you get triggered from certain people.

3.       When I go on the street I don’t look, not that I look away, looking away is too late, because then your mind goes what was going on there, in my experience it was better to look then to look away after seeing (not saying its muter). Don’t look to begin with.

4.       When I felt I need to go somewhere and I didn’t feel strong enough to be mindful, I tried to take of my eyeglasses, and it helps, because the biggest trigger is what your eyes are seeing.

5.       Sometimes I practice (I need to do this more) to see women as people, and not s*x objects, they have kids family, problems.

First I want to change it from ‘’how I did it’’ to HOW I AM DOING IT’’ because it’s not done at all, and I could just share what I’m doing now.

Another major factor and that’s part of number 1, to try to identify which void this urge for..… is coming to fill, and when you feel that void just be mindful and don’t numb it with……

I noticed by me that whenever I was lonely (which is a lot) I would…. And also I wanted to feel loved (which I was deprived all my years), and this would give me a feeling of connection, and I would fantasize like that person is loving me….

So when I notice that, I was like you are feeling lonely now, this is not going to help you, try to find someone to call or try to get busy. And when I was mindful that you are lonely now, it doesn’t have such a grip on me, and I could have strength not to go there (most of the time), and with time the urge is not that strong, because you made the separation to your brain that loneliness or stress does not equals P&M.

And also I stared working to connect more with people, and worked on loving myself, writing down every day 3 things I’m grateful in my life, and start loving yourself more. Trying to read self-help books on happiness. (And considering therapy).

And also until now I wasn’t able to see the love of my wife so much, because the focus was.… and if she wasn’t in the mood (which is always) I felt like she doesn’t love me, but now I could see her love much more. [which is not the place elaborate, but it’s good for the people who are not there yet to know, that marriage doesn’t cure this, and it could kill your marriage, I think if your helped before, then marriage could make easier, but I think a lot of people would disagree with me that it makes it easier, but that’s my opinion, but again only when you have the right mindset, but if you want from your wife that thing, forget about it].


Hoping that I could change it back to ''HOW I DID IT''

Hi every one, thank you all for reading my story;

I was reading my post, and I thought to myself I’m jealous of that person, sounds like he sitting on a nice beach chair near a bowl of cherries and some strawberries (of course washed well, with the highest standard of Kashrus) and basically his life is a bowl of cherries.

But one second I know that person and his life is no bowl of cherries:

So I had 2 thoughts,
1.    Sometimes our life is really a bowl of cherries, but we are focusing on the pits all day and we don’t see the beautiful fruit.

2.    My life is not a bowl of cherries, but this is the bowl of cherries I planted and created on my broken dirty chair, and it’s the fruit of my labor. And I hope with time I’ll plant more and more that I’ll be able to identify myself as a life of a bowl of cherries. (High quality no worms).

My partner texted me a few days ago, that he feels that he didn’t get anywhere because for a few moths he was in a quiet place no major triggering situations, but bein Hazmanim he came to the city and he is going crazy from all the women dressed etc.

One thing is for sure that this is a gimmick of the Yetzer Horah for a lot of reasons which I’m not going to elaborate now.

But the real truth is, that if when he wasn’t faced with all the triggering situations, he didn’t want go to P&M, he didn’t want go to places where you could see women etc. he didn’t want to go on the internet, and he was ok with that, then he is a much better place, because we all know that when we are in a not good place, we dream about being able to have a peek, a touch etc. and having the mind that it is ok without it is major.

Why am I writing this, because we very often feel that avoiding not good situations means that we really didn’t get anywhere, and we get all down about it, and that’s a complete lie.

Of course we need to work on ourselves to be able to live in this world that when we need to go somewhere triggering we should be able to withstand not to do and look, but nothing wrong to make yourself Gedorim where you go or you don’t, that you shouldn’t get triggered. And not only nothing wrong, just this is the its has to be, everyone knows the Gemarah if someone goes on a road that women are not dressed modest, then he is considered a Rasha even if he didn’t look, so it looks like this the way, don’t go if you don’t need to, and when you need to be mindful BEFORE you go.

Wishing everyone success and happiness

Hi

I was faced today we my biggest trigger ODD girls.. and the first second I felt I can't resist this one, but after a second I told myself why not and just went on.

It reminded me of the Mashel with the elephants that when they come to show's they are tied with a robe that they could just rip out with the pole togey, so why don't they, because they are trained from they are little they couldn't, and they don't try again,

I felt the same way my brain has to get used to, that this is no big deal, our brains are used that we can not resist that, but it's not true.

Hi everyone,

I'm B''H still clean from P&M but i did fall back with lusting and guarding my eyes,
but i have to say, that I'm still in a much better place then before, my mind is not busy with lust all day, i don't think to go special to a place where i could maybe see...

and the only way for me to do that is by being mindful and seeing the urge as an outside thing, because if not the more i run away the more its running after me, and i need the grip off me

.so i started this week again, started practicing urge surfing, reviewing F2F and i B''H had a good week so far.

all the best !!

You are a real hero and should start helping other guys here. You have the tools, the understanding and the resilience. May Hashem help you continue (hopefully while you start helping others in need).

You are a tzaddik! Keep it up!
I just want to share something important that my Rebbe (a choshuve Rov) told me when I confided in him many years ago. Direct quote:
“You are NOT damned to eternal Hell.”
The Ribono Shel Olam loves you and forgives you, no matter of your past.