I fell last Monday.. and completely so. I haven't fallen like that since before Tisha B'av. Usually my internet access is completely restricted but i happened to have access to an unfiltered machine and the house was empty.. My fall didn't start on Monday though. The Sunday night before i had a mini slip.. I don't know what predicated it.. I didn't have any major yetzer it was a sudden urge.. throwing me off. and then Monday happened.

I was so upset by my fall.

62 days of pride shattered.
62 days of feeling good broken.
62 days of davening and growth, a Rosh Hashana, Yom Kippur and a Succos..  all of a sudden thrown under the bus.
62 days of living on a higher plane only to crash land..

However..

Contrary to my chart which i filled in incorrectly today is day 7.. I am now BH a week clean.

7 Days of working on myself
7 Days of reflection and growth
7 days on the way PG to 8 to 9.. to 10..

Last Monday night i cried, I was so upset I said some Tehillim and I cried. There is a strange feeling of comfort in those tears. I felt they were genuine tears, I really was upset with what i did and i knew how distant i felt from Hashem compared to just 24 hours before. I NEVER want to feel that way again. Please Hashem help me to grow. Help me to succeed. Help me to be pure, to live a life of Kedusha. I will do whatever it takes. 

I took a Neder with serious financial consequences if i go back to that machine which thankfully is not in my home. 

Tonight i will think about how i feel compared to how i was this time last week.
Tonight i will be grateful for another chance.
Tonight i will look at my kids with their pure faces and feel grateful.
Tonight is another chance for me to build, another chance for me to be Mekadesh Hashem's name. 

Thank you Hashem for another chance. 

Wow, your post is so full of pure heart and soul!

I would like to modify your post a bit...

62 clean days that are yours to keep forever.
62 days of solid proof that you CAN do it.
62 days of growth, with a pause to recharge again .
62 days of living on a higher plane only to continue higher and higher..

Your avoda is truly amazing and inspiring and as the Steipler said, Even if you fall , don't underestimate the tremendous zechus of each success. If one succeeds in overcoming his burning desire, the amount of holiness that he brings upon himself is tremendous, like Yosef Hatzadik. It also repairs much of the spiritual damage caused by previous falls. Over time, you'll be able to undo all the spiritual damage.

How are you celebrating the 62 days? It is a massive accomplishment and deserves recognition. If you buy a food item as a reward make a beautiful bracha, and tell Hashem you are celebrating and giving praise to Him for His assistance, and of course ask for more...

You also have to celebrate the graet mehalech in dealing with the fall. As opposed to some heavy addicts who unfortunately binge and act out numerous times after a fall, you caught yourself, gave yourself chizuk, moved on, and posted the raw truth for all to see. That is a hero!

You are now BH 69 days up the mountain. The air is clear, the views are magnificent. The walk is easier now because you are accustomed to the climb. Keep inspiring us as you smile and continue the invigorating hike.

Thank you both for your Chizuk. BH day 8 today.. Lemala min hateva and beyond...

Hi All, Been away a little while thanks to covid.. on the mend now though BH.. day 23!!! BH onwards and upwards! 

Hi All,

Its been a while since i last posted and thought i am due an update.. even if its only to clarify my own thoughts.. BH on the whole i have felt very positive about this inyan since joining GYE, this is despite some of the setbacks that have occured along the way. Its been 4 months since i have watched the sites that i used to go on. However 16 days ago i fell on what might be considered very mild innocent sites.. I realised from this that i need to ensure my guard is stronger for Hilchos Yichud with the internet. I have toughened it up a lot (i use the Tashpich approach which works for me as well as filters and the works..) so hopefully this will deter me from breaking this again. BH 16 days on. I will take each day as it comes. BH Adar will bring Simcha and Hatzlacha for us all..

Hi All. I fell on Monday.. I was doing so well.. back in the groove 5 weeks and counting and then all of a sudden out of nowhere I fell. BH on day 3 again and moving forwards. I am so upset at myself though. After my last fall I increased my Tashpich to try to prevent this. But I realise now in the moment I don't seem to care about it. I now have a relatively serious set of obligations to deal with which I am ok about (I strenghtened my Tashpich till Pesach, this includes 7 half day fasts (only till 12PM) which I did one of today (6 more to go!) and a more significant amount to Tzedaka so i guess at least Tzedaka will benefit. I seem to keep repeating the same pattern.. I get up and do well for a period of time usually between 1 and two months and then i fall. I can't seem to break through to 3 months.. I wish i could get to 90 days.. I spend so much of my time listening to shiurim on Shmiras Habris which have really helped, I have added layers and layers of security on top of the internet, I don't have a smart phone either but despite all of these things I still find I fall. BH i am excited to say i have started Daf Yomi.. am hoping the extra chizuk from the Daf will help me. I don't know at the moment how to push myself to get to longer periods of time without falling.. All i know is I don't want to fall, I don't want to do this. I don't want to be tasting failure.. of I did it again, of distance from Hashem. When i honestly assess myself I know i can do better. It might not be my fault that i have this Taivah, it might not be my fault that i am in this situation but it is up to me to get out of it. But i can't do it without Hashem's help. Hashem please listen to my tefillah. Please help me out of this. I want to be pure. I want to leave this all behind. I can't do it without You. I need You so much. Please Hashem help me be matzliach. 

Do you have a real live partner to help you with this?

taherlibeinu wrote on 24 Mar 2022 17:27:

Your words bring me to tears. I hope you're saying these words with your mouth as well, I'm sure they will reach the highest levels in shomayim, they are do deep and full of yearning to be close to Hashem and do what's right. 
Of course we want to be 100% clean and never fall, but we are not malachim, human beings are not perfect. What really counts is the amazing fight that you're putting up and the fences that you are working so hard to protect you against the bad desires. 

Let's repeat again the words of the Steipler Z"L
Even if you fall often, don't underestimate the tremendous zechus of each success. If one succeeds in overcoming his burning desire, the amount of holiness that he brings upon himself and the spiritual words is tremendous, like Yosef Hatzadik. It also repairs much of the spiritual damage caused by previous falls. Over time, he'll be able to undo all the spiritual damage he has caused. Keep on davening for Hashem's help, even 100 times a day. Even if the Tefillos were not yet fulfilled, don't give up. Be sure that eventually Hashem will accept them.

I agree with HHM.  You don’t make any mention of having a partner and that could be extremely helpful for you.   you are doing great but sometimes it takes an objective opinion To find the best way to avoid repeating mistakes.  

Another thing I would add is that for sure you are not the same person from one streak to another, you are growing with each one. Even though just by looking at the number alone you might feel like aren't progressing, internally you definitely are.

My two sense.. if you feel it doesn’t apply to you then just
If we wanna get deep a little.. The taphsic can be very helpful in the sense it takes the struggle out of your mind a bit. It removes the idea of falling and many other things etc. but it can confuse the outlook of the struggle. It’s important to remember your fighting for the sake of your life! Not your taphsic for you. Therefore, how about instead of adjusting your taphsic how about adding each day 15 minutes your gonna work on your clarity on why not to lust etc. and then create a backup system what happens if you don’t do the 15 minutes that night etc. this is something that will instill clarity and strength throughout the battle! And will address the factor of why you fell despite your taphsic which a big component is always a lack of clarity. Because when we clear then there’s less tayvah. Also, check out the links below that can help you tremendously gain clarity

Thanks all for the advice/chizuk. Apologies for the delayed replies. I actually don't have a partner. I have a good friend who i speak to about this but not a partner dedicated to this area. It might be a positive step to get one. Just wondering if you had a partner how did you get one, was it via the site?  BH back to 10 days now, did the 3rd of my 7 half day fasts today (doing them Thurs/Sun over the next few weeks). being realistic though fasting till 12pm is not really a challenge i don't think the point of it is to inflict myself but rather its the reminder that I am working upwards and i care about what happened. To be honest the most annoying part is i miss my morning coffee
BH the Daf is going well. Very challenging time to join in.. Yevamos is not for the faint hearted! so many different scenarios to get my head around. But there is nothing better to clean up my mind then Torah!

Back on day 10.. Thank you HHM for being in touch. Its a real help to have someone on the other side of the phone.

Will Bli Neder try post more frequently here. Last night i had a small argument with my wife and was thrown into a small Nisayon.. BH I held out strong and that is behind me.. 

The latter part of the Omer/around Shavuos is commonly a Nisayon for me.. time to raise my game!

21 days clean ... lets make it 210

A long long way to go.. taking each day as it comes and each challenge as it surfaces. Never Give up is the mantra.. recently i have fallen between days 30 and 40.. Am determined not to let that happen this time.. (I can almost see the Yetzer hara laughing as i write that)... but seriously BH this time its for real. A big thank you to the Tzadikim in GYE for all the help. We're in this together and we will BH succeed together!