HI every1 i need help asap!!!!!!!!!!!!
i thought i nailed it things were going freat 100 days clean i even was mentoring others celebrating etc and the yetzer hara now got me so good first fall a few weeks ago i went to a friends wedding in cyprus and obviously my parents wanted me to have a smartphone for waze or contact by watsapp etc. obviously i asked if its filtered and i got there realising i was put in the hotel room alone the smartphone was not FILTERED!!!!!!
it doesnt end there!!!!!!!!
my father was sitting in his office chair everything was going as normal 
a normal day i spoke to my father from the yeshiva i was in etc to my shock i was called out of my dira building to hear the MOST DAUNTING NEWS my dad had a sudden heart attack and passed away WHAT A SPECIAL MAN YOU HAVE NO IDEA!!!!!!!!
no one can relate he was healthy normal etc and people at the shiva just rub it in with stupid questions jokes and senselessness feelings!!!!!!
the yetzer hara got me rapped around him straight after the shiva im thrown back into the fake pleasure which my brain thinks will numb my pain! utter rubbish its made it alot worse!!!!!!!!
I KEEP FALLING SINCE THE SITUATION PLEASE HELP IM  A WRECK AND LOST!!!!!!!!
 MY DAD I SPOKE EVERYDAY TO AND WAS MY ROCK SUPPORT EVERYTHING!!!!!!!

Hi lee1999
First of all, the only words we can say is "Hamakom yenakhem etekhem betokh shaar avelay tziyon viyrushalayim". People should be taught to be sensitive to mourners. I was recently doing a shiva call for a father that lost a child and I witnessed a very painful scene.  
This person was arguing with the father (who was talking about his pain and saying that Hashem does things sometimes that seem to be DIN not RACHMIM) , that there is no such thing! Hashem only does chesed all the time! 
​I didn't mix in because it seems that the person was not clever and my argument would just make things worse. But yes, it's a very sad fact. 
This message should be posted at the door of each Shiva house: 
"Think before you talk! Just be there for the mourner and stay quiet if you're not sure it's the right thing to say!" 

We all can't begin to imagine the amount of pain your going through. 
Hashem does know. He does not judge you at face value, because he knows that you want to do what's right but your pain is unbearable. 
​We're not here to give you advise because we can't begin to relate. 
We're here to cry with you and be with you! 
Hashem should have pity on you and from now on you should only know of simchos!

May the Omnipresent comfort you among the rest of the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem

Sorry to hear about the lost of your father. and the pain and struggle you are going through. it is very sad to hear that. but also inspiring that you have the energy to come in here and you are truly seeking to help for yourself out of this maze.
_____________
​the Torah gave us a process of grieving. because the Torah know that for our wellbeing we have to survive the loss of a close relative and all the horror that is associate with the experience. therefore the Torah gave us the Mitzva of Shivah שבעה to mourn the lost of the close relative.

Part of the grieving process is take the time to be sad. allow to experience the sadness to its full level. take the time to cry and cry and cry..... this is a necessity and not an optional.

Sometimes, we get stuck with our emotional inner system and the sadness is not allowed to show-up or the cry is unable to come out. or sometimes we are surrounded by people who does let us mourn, be sad and crying. 

If we don't mourn. it get stuck in ourselves and effects our wellbeing. there is always a chance to do it even years later.
____________________
In part of grieving - we need support. it is not easy to cry alone.. we need to cry as a team with the relatives who are here in the same pain and trauma. it is supportive to lean on the mother and cry... talk about it with the family... allow yourself to share your pain and shock.. 
_________

When it comes the lust trigger, and in a way it is here to soothe yourself of the loss and in response to the the deep sadness. there is a few techniques you can do:

Shacking
shacking your whole body can help to release the trauma and sadness that was stored in your body. (the polar bear dance). especially to release the effect of the shock hearing that your father past away. which can feel like a gun shot wound. 

Grounding
Grounding techniques can help to get beck to reality. like, focusing on the seat you sit in and how it holds and supports your body. or how the ground supports your legs and holds your body.. as well of how your shoes surround your feet. 

Support
Reaching out to members here. specifically if you can make friends here whom you can trust and be transparent with. and when the a trigger show up. call one of them (us). reach out. and chill out..

Program
Participating in one of the programs. SA - 12 step or similar. 

Therapy
A good therapist can help you reach a deeper inside of your inner emotional world. help you stabilize and learning new cooping skills. and help you process your traumas.

Substitute
You can try to find a substitute to ease your pain when the urge for lust kicks in. you prepare some other things you enjoy or like to do. so when the lust kicks in you tell lust "hey i don't need to use you now i have something else".

Praying
Pray to Hashem that he should help you recover. to take the lust from you and give you the energy to survive such miserable confusing moments.

I know i was more technical. it might be not what you need right now. i don't know. and i hope you forgive me for that as i feel so sorry to you.. it is sadly such a strange experience that to my best wish i cannot get to feel your deep pain. so, sorry about it...

Yoina'la

Wow thanks it is hard but thanks for the tips and the time to respond

I'm sorry for your loss. Speak to someone who you trust and has experience with your situation. Stay strong and don't give up on yourself. Be the best person you can be and realize that falling is part of healing. There really is nothing to say. Hamakom yenecheim eschem bsoch shaar aveili tziyon vyerushalayim. Spend time with your family, healing takes time, but you have a family that loves you and cares about you. I will daven.

I'm so sorry for your loss.
המקום ינחם אתכם בתוך שאר אבילי ציון וירושלים. 

I am so sorry for your loss
I cab relate to this situation a little as my father also passed away suddenly over a three day yom tov when I was in Israel and he was in America. However I was married 9 months at the time so my story is different and I in no way mean to down play your loss.

Feel free to pm me if you want to talk I just might not see the message until after Shabbos

Hamakom Yinachem Eschem M'toch Sha'ar Eivieli Tzion V'Yerushalyim

המקום ינחם אתכם בתוך שאר אבלי ציון בבירושלים. Keep grinding 

never ever give up!!!!!! 

I feel your pain. it must be extremely hard for you especially when nobody can relate to you.

Just remember keep pushing and we are here rooting for you and every struggle that you overcome is mechazek everyone here more and more so just whatever it is, and no matter what happens don't give up!
Hamokom yenakem eschem b'soich shar aveilo tzion beyerushalyim

I am so sorry to hear about your loss.

Perhaps give yourself some time to grieve; although we must always be on the lookout for the yetzer, I'm not sure that now is the best time to be so hard on yourself..

May you somehow find comfort on the loss of your father.

IMG 

I don't know if anything can make up for you're loss. I can only partially understand you're pain. Because I messed up after a long streak also. So only that part of it I can feel.
however while no one can jdge you ever and especially in youre current situation. if you give it all you got now you may just get a speacail siyata dishmaya because of you're doing an unimaginable extra.
Never back down no matter the situation!! It must be hard but NEVER back down!!
I hope this get better for you asap!!!
Only simchos!!!

Thanks so much for all the responses great help
I would like to ask for tips I really want to be clean for 1 year before I start dating I'm always falling any advice to help me!!!!!!!!!

May G-d comfort you among the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.

I can tell you some things that helped for me. Probably the most important was making a pro-con list. This only worked for me when I included all the honest reasons for porn and masturbation. At first I was afraid that I would be making excuses or encouraging myself by doing so. But the part of me that wanted to masturbate wouldn't listen to reason unless I listened to its needs too. Here's a post from grant400 that was a big help.
Grant400 wrote on 22 Nov 2020 04:53:

Another important stage was to make progress in a positive direction. Besides giving up porn and masturbation, I took on new challenges like learning tanya and going to shul more often, and this was a big chizuk. It helped me realize that I was adding to my life, not taking away.

May G-d comfort you among the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.

To lose a parent is very painful.

The first 30 days, the Shloshim, are a trauma.

You must not make big decisions, and even normal everyday life feels weird.

You fell because you sought the release from this pain and confusion.

Take it very easy until the stone setting.

Heal yourself, help family to heal.

Think of the great things your father brought to this world, and try to do some of them too, but in your own way.

You are you, you are not your father.

But take on board some of his Mensch qualities.

And remember, do not pressure yourself, take it very easy.