Hey heyThis is my safe place to vent and honestly I'm going to take advantage of it right nowI'm pretty frustrated and stressed out and I'm going to highlight that.For context I'm a type 1 diabetic and I have celiac disease meaning I have to eat gluten free, and I struggle tremendously with ADHD, keeping up with being consistent, and doing the things I know are so important for my life but take so much effort (I know everyone struggles with this-you don't have anything special, I don't care I'm here to vent!)I've struggled tremendously my whole life with staying true to myself and creating a life full of meaning, I've been to years of therapy and coaching and I shteiged tremendously but I'm still here struggling.I'm honestly sick and tired with the struggle of lifeI know I need to exercise to let out my loads of energy I have, and to help me stay motivated and focused on life, I know I have to reach out to friends and mentors ( that I bh have ) when Im feeling low, when I feel like I need love ( by the way female love means nobody gets emotions like females, nobody can say I get you and I feel you like a female You just can't compare the emotional self of females to the rational logical male)but it's just to hard even though I know why I don't want to act out or masturbate, but the need for a dopamine hit is just so strong, and I just act out,I know I need to journal and write down my wins of the day so I can feel good about myselfit sucks that I have to create so many freaking boundaries to A. Not be addicted to my phone B. To not access inappropriate contentThat means getting rid of WhatsApp, no images on Google maps, NO YouTube or access to any social media on my laptop, deleted Spotify from my phone (which I love , NF is my role model and gives me validation that no one else can ever give) because there is inappropriate tracks that I struggle with, I freaking turned my life upside down and I still struggle, to not masturbate, to exercise properly, to learn consistently, to be fully in control of my diabetes and not eat so much carbs, to be in touch with myself by meditating and journalingI feel like there's to much I need to do in life to get it in control and honestly maybe I'm not capable of doing these stuff ( there were points of my life I was doing all these stuff and I felt so good about myself and loved life) but now I'm just so not motivated, it's like I see what I need to do but I'm just not down, I barely even believe in myself, right now knowing all the hard work it will take to get married I have such a low desire to get married, Im craving connection don't get me wrong but I don't know what I will do in marriage with my frequent highs and lows of life, don't tell me to accept the situation because I'm NOT accepting of my situation now, I'm not "loving what is" im just not down for the crap and hardships of life!!!!!!!!

Tired, frustrated and unmotivated to continue fighting the battle of life

Smokey

smokey wrote on 21 Aug 2024 03:25:

Smokey, this is painful to read!!!

Why are you feeling a low desire to get married while you claim to desperately crave “female love”? 

Marriage brings precisely that, along with so much more…I’m just trying to understand what seems to be a bit of a paradox?

In any case, it sounds really rough for you…hang in there!

youknowwho wrote on 21 Aug 2024 04:07:

I appreciate the validation

your right i wasn't clear ill explain

I'm definitely craving "female love", and if you would offer me the perfect girl right now maybe that's one thing, however the dating process doesn't offer that, rather it requires you to be a single lonely, vulnerable male for weeks or months on end until you find the right one, I have lost my motivation and energy to be the best version of myself as a single guy while looking for a partner in life.

#2 Even in marriage my wife will not be a robot who will always be there to give me the love I always will need, I have to learn how to regulate my emotions and not be so dependent on her love (I don't know how true this is), because she is human, my emotional highs and lows are not that great for a relationship, I also know how much hard work dedication and commitment real love in marriage takes to create, im kinda nervous and scared about that, which makes marriage in my head not something I'm dying for even though i know how much i need that love, honestly right now im for sure over thinking and the anxious part of me is taking over, but that's ok, because I'm feeling much better now that i had my venting session last night!

i appreciate you guys being there for me!!

wishing you guys love and peace with yourselves and the people around you

frustrated with life, but more ok with my frustration and less resentful to the world 

smokey

smokey wrote on 21 Aug 2024 14:49:

Glad to hear you are more okay with your frustrations today! Can relate 

On your first point, please forgive me for asking this, but would your cravings for "female love" be satisfied if I were to offer you a perfect, old, wizened and wrinkled granny with facial hair and a raspy voice?

I am simply pointing out that it may be beneficial for you to ponder the possibility that your cravings have got more to do with biology, namely, the body's chemical reaction to an eligible, fertile females voice, skin, body etc, rather than an emotional need. 

Follow the science, as they say. 

Thoughts?

smokey wrote on 21 Aug 2024 14:49:

Shalom Brother Smokey,

May I ask why you have created a double standard? You acknowledge that your future wife will not be perfect, but you feel bad that you won't be perfect.

It's ok to be (moderately) anxious. That's not all bad - it means you are thinking seriously about it. You will put in work, and hopefully so will she. That's how marriage usually goes and if there is love then you will both appreciate and support each other through the learning process and the completely normal ups and downs.

One other point. You desperately want someone else to love you. Do you love yourself enough? IYH she should appreciate you, but you also need to appreciate yourself and not be completely dependent on her. If you aren't motivated to be yourself to find her, you make it harder for her to meet the real you. She'll be worth it and you are worth it. If you want it enough, you'll have to be ready to put in the effort from your end.
(You don't need to (and shouldn't) completely expose yourself on every date. Perhaps you could think about boundaries for vulnerability and open up more only as the potential relationship warrants it).

Hatzlacha

youknowwho wrote on 21 Aug 2024 15:01:

I hear your point, definitely strong, and it hits home and i appreciate you bringing this up, i'm on a quest to find clarity in my life, it doesn't matter if that means challenging my core beliefs what i always had

I don't know what to say, if i'm going to be honest i don't really have any desire to get love from the female you described, at the same time i feel there is such a big emotional need that i have, it can be a combination although i am curious what is the root is, probably my biological desire for good looking females, but then again when i'm feeling down and lonely, why am i not craving porn or good looks (im not saying i never fall with that) rather im deeply craving to just talk to a female  (probably 45 and under and i don't get to see how she looks although if she would be ugly i would probably turned off, why?) so she can give me love that's why i run to call hotlines, so yes your point is for true but there is a massive emotional need here.
what's going on inside me (we humans are so complex)

your thoughts?

BenHashemBH wrote on 21 Aug 2024 15:41:

wow I love your point, I think I do need to work more on loving myself before I work on getting love from others.

perfectionism definitely plays a big role here in preventing me to love myself, the wise man once said awareness is key, i appreciate your input.

BenHashemBH wrote on 21 Aug 2024 15:41:

Yeah exposing yourself completely on every date is a good way to get arrested 

smokey wrote on 21 Aug 2024 15:48:

Refreshingly open to ask honest, tough questions, you are!

I totally relate to needing emotional support and validation. That is a basic human need. Especially the emotionally sensitive men amongst us, we need it even more.

I can only share what I know to be true in my own life. Back when I was being dangerously flirtatious with a female relative, my eyes would fill with tears at how she good she "gets me". I would share certain emotions, obviously not too much because we are both from very frum circles, but enough to make me feel an emotional connection. 

Though, at the end of the day, it sure didn't hurt that she's tall, skinny and quite attractive. And I ended up fantasizing about her alot, it messed things up like crazy for awhile...

So, today I try to get emotional support from my dear wife, or a close friend. And it's hard! Sometimes I am not vulnerable enough and slip and fall back into the PMO escape. It's constantly something I need to work on, and humans make mistakes. 

Part of me misses that little relationship...the laughs, the understanding each other and all that, but in my case, and probably most guys, I was thinking with my penis, not my rational brain.  

smokey wrote on 21 Aug 2024 15:48:

There are probably two things at play. You desire the emotional connection and the physical. The more you can get from both the better. When you combine them, then the lack of emotional support from porn or the lack of physical attraction to an older woman can negate the bigger picture of what you want. For women over 45 (and/or not attractive), your rational brain probably processed that long-term emotional support in a relationship isn't likely - both due to age and the fact that you'd like to be physically attracted to your partner. So it only gives you a temporary and partial fix. Same for porn.

That's probably why the phone lines are attractive. Your brain doesn't have information about age or looks that might hinder the emotional connection you seek.

The root might be that you are an emotionally sensitive guy (like YKW) and our upbringing isn't really set up well for emotionally sensitive boys. So we grow a strong need to be appreciated and cared about for who we are. We crave to be seen and understood. We don't feel supported and yearn for the day when we will have a partner with whom we can finally be open with as ourselves and share all our love, and receive all their love. This can develop until we only want to be cared about and lose ourselves in the need. I completely surrender and no longer value my individuality. 

Nurse-patient relationships don't fare well in long-term marriage. We need to find ourselves again and be an active partner in creating the supportive relationship that we are so desperate for. 

So I think you aren't broken or anything. Your emotional needs should by no means be dismissed, but you need to regain a healthy balance where you can be in the position of being a giver first and then you can receive. Emotions are a double-edged sword. They can be used against us and harm us, but they can also be the deepest and most beautiful thing we have to offer.

BenHashemBH wrote on 21 Aug 2024 16:53:

I love what your saying and I feel so validated

Also i feel like its only right to share with you guys, after posting my struggle and how i was feeling last night, it only went uphill, b'h i feel amazing, im in touch with my emotions i had refreshing conversations today about this subject with a friend and Youknowwho, honestly just writing out my emotions and knowing people were listening to me made all the difference in the world, i feel so validated for being me, a 24 vulnerable single male, with real desires, and its hard, sometimes painfully hard (you know what i mean) but im in this battle to win, and to live life on the highest level, i also went on a epic hike (let out ALL my abundance of energy), and was with friends and after we all went out for ice cream after and i held myself back because i knew it would have a terrible effect on my sugar, i feel alive and ready to kill the game and the struggles life has to offer!!
Its crazy how much good and loving support can help you, but its also crazy to be me with consistent and wild emotional lows and highs, its a wild heck of a ride, and im just so grateful to be feeling good now!
Thank you so much for the wonderful support, it means so much to me. im so happy to be embraced as me. my struggles, my hardships, my talents, my falls, and my wins, its my journey, together with your journey, and its what makes life so beautiful and real

see you later,

smokey

Also have adhd & celiac, always wondedered whats harder to live with, adhd or diabetes?

tzaddikvikam13 wrote on 28 Aug 2024 03:52:

Its a great question, both are pretty complex

Diabetes although in theory it is simple -you've got to give insulin count your carbs, and beware for low blood sugars etc..
it can become super frustrating and the technology i use to manage it can stop working well, its also no fun to consistently manage your diabetes for example i have to change my insulin pump site every 2-3 days, its not that hard to do, but when your struggling with other stuff in life sometimes i have no energy or patience to take care of it, but there is no vacation... and thats just one part of it....

ADHD is super complex as well i've tried over 10 meds and all either didn't work or the side effects were to strong, i have an incredible amount of energy which is both a blessing and a curse, i struggle tremendously with focusing, but I can teach and entertain people with great talent, exercise can change my day and make me so much more calm but i struggle to do ANYTHING in life consistently so most of my plans stop after a few days, I cant tell you how much more impulsive i am because of ADHD, but the extreme emotional highs and lows im sure are pretty connected.
In short god gives us all challenges, some we can see openly and some are hidden deep, count your blessings because we all have so much good in our life, and take in your struggles, they're here to help you tap in to your potential, become a better person and get closer to god!

Celebrating 8 days clean despite my impulsivity! Thanks to me Baruch hashem feeling connected and able to be vulnerable to some of my friends! Keep up the great work-Me and everyone else here!!

love you all


smokey

looks like there are enough people on the forum with adhd to make our own thread, what do you say?