I am just expressing something hear and would like to hear feedback. I will give some background about myself so people may understand. I am 22 and have been a member for close to 8 years. My addiction started before that. By 12 years old I know I was struggling in these areas. Back then the level of control was less and my only hope was to not have internet access. I should also mention that I suffered some SSA throughout the years. I am only mentioning this if this can help paint a better picture. By now, as long as I am vigilant, I can keep those feelings at bay. I had my ups and downs along the years but always growing and getting better. My worst relapse was during corona and it had its effects even up to a few months ago. After being clean for almost a year I went into 2 months of hell and thought I would not get out of it. Slowly I crawled back. I am 48 days clean as I write this.

I hope this gives a good glimpse as I now write about something else.As long as I could remember I have never been happy. It is hard for me to be excited. I always believe myself to not be doing enough. When I am doing great that is neutral and when I am not at 100% that is me failing. I am not talking about falling. I am talking about everyday events. In yeshiva this is especially pertinent. If I am late to seder or waste my time, do not understand the shuir or even just accidently insult someone I get down and depressed. I am used to it now so the outside viewer will be unable to recognize it. I feel like my default is a melancholy feeling. So my question to all the readers is like this: Is this an outgrowth of all the struggles I have had regarding these GYE issues? I recently read a testimonial of someone who struggled for years in this and he discusses how he fell into depression m because of it. In that instance it was when he was in the addiction .Now, although I am not out of the woods I am in a way better place than I was 6 years ago. Is this some sort of post traumatic depression. What is wrong? I am only writing this now since I recently read this article. In general, I just do not seem to be able to appreciate myself. Why do I feel this way. Why am I different or is everyone depressed like me. Is this feeling at all related to this struggle? Is is the somewhat dormant SSA? Is this something that can be fixed or do I just live with it? I am okay, I believe. I appear like a normal and healthy young man to anyone who knows me. I have had my bumps along the way but that is what made me. This is truth and I do believe it, I just wish I was able to live a more peaceful and content self.

Hello OnTheWayUp,

First of all, you are simply not alone in this at all.

This is the single most emotional problem people are facing out there and while it's not only common by those who struggle with addiction, it's way more common in this community - especially sex addicts.

There might be a hole bunch of reasons why you feel that way, but without the simple foundations of life and meaning it's almost impossible to get into self-blame, depression etc.

​Let me just start with a few simple questions to serve as food-for-thought:

1. Was this word created for no good reason?
2. Are you aware that both of us will someday die?
3. If #3 is correct, why are we here in first place?

Hey Reb OnTheWayUp,

As someone who struggles with several mental health conditions including depression, it always irks me how some people on here sometimes morph together sex addiction etc. with depression, as if the only way to get depressed is when you have a porn or mastubration habit...

They are two entirely different things, and although being depressed is sometimes triggered by porn use or the like, it’s not the underlying cause, at least in many cases. 

Considering that you have been clean for 48 days, and the depression making appearances in other areas of your life, I think you should consider that you most probably suffer from clinical depression.
That is generally treatable with therapy and perhaps medication, depending on how severe it is...

Feel free to reach out by PM if you’d like to discuss this further...

Hey OivedElokim,

Thank you for reaching out!

I do not mean to irk you with the term depression. We use it to colloquially these days and it is insensitive. I do not know what the actual requirements are for clinical depression. From what I know I would have to be staying in bed the whole day and not wanting to do anything because of depression. I rarely do that. Rather, it is just a somber feeling that I can never do enough and those feelings are strongest when I am in a falling lapse. 
I just wondered if I messed up my happiness in life because of my previous actions. 

onthewayup wrote on 23 Mar 2021 00:28:

I’m reluctant to diagnose others, especially on an anonymous forum.
Ill just mention that I have a shtikl mental health probs too, and it need not be to the extent of not being able to get out of bed (though for me it was).

The best advice I could offer u is to see a therapist if ur not already. Because this is some very delicate stuff and may not be dealt with best on an anonymous forum.
But either way, we’re always here for you and fee free to express your emotions and choose the eitzas here that work for you!

Hatzlocha,

 YeshivaGuy 

onthewayup wrote on 23 Mar 2021 00:28:

It could be mild but it can still fall under the rubric of depression. I would echo YG’s suggestion to consult with a qualified therapist at least once and follow his advice. 

ורפא ירפא-מכאן שניתנה רשות לרופא לרפאות

You certainly have not messed up your chances for happiness in life. You just need to stabilise your present, plan for a bright future and ultimately rectify your passed.

ואין לך דבר העומד בפני התשובה

Hi onthewayup,
I can definitely relate to your depressed feelings. I know what it's like to never feel quite happy or content. Idk if it's like this by you but often, I have 2 modes: one is either I'm hustling and doing as much as possible for myself and others and the other mode is I can literally stay in my bed for days at a time not doing anything [productive]. Its kinda like all or nothing. I'm hoping you don't have the same problem, but I for sure can relate to the depression you mention.My best advice (and sorry you've prob heard this millions of times before) is to not let these feelings spoil the tremendous battle you're taking on. Every time you overcome an urge, even though you might feel so depressed from your past failures, Hashem could not be more proud of you! Unfortunately, people spend their whole lives looking for the next best thing to bring them happiness, give them a "high". What these people dont realize is that the answer had been right in front of them the whole time- Torah! Mitzvos! Thats what emesdik happiness is. BH its helped me, I pray that it will help you too.

https://youtu.be/hTTBOeqaRJc