My name is Cesare and I am new to the forum. I have had issues with the "stuff" I shall call it for about a year. It started with looking at a few immodest posts on social media and it has gone too far. I have decided for my own good I will join this program. I am a University student and I will admit there are costs of being in a secular environment. When I was younger I became a Baal Teshuva and I feel that the filth is affecting my mind and body let alone my neshama so it needs to stop. It is on the verge of becoming very very severe and I do not want to normalize the "stuff." I tried quitting over the last few weeks but my actions have gotten more severe and I feel to quit I need some accountability and somebody to talk to. From what I have learned from this experience I at least know that being addicted to something can not just be shrugged off. I still have a degree of free will now but that is wavering. Today was the realization if I do not get help now I will fall deeper into the hole than I can get out of.

welcome Cesare!

You've come the right place
From my own personal experience being alone in this battle can literally consume you...not any more buddy.

Stick around and vent your heart out.
If I dare say...we all can relate to you so don't hold anything back (anonymously of course)

Now to the nitty gritty...
What have you tried?
Do you have a proper filter?
What are your triggers...is social media for you an issue?

Social media is an issue, I can not find a good free filter compatible with classes and work. It started with social media originally then got out of hand. Before that, I was lifelong clean and never touched the stuff till now. My trigger is (please don't make fun of me) hunger. Whenever I do not eat for an extended period of time it is a very strong trigger to act out. From articles and seferim that address the topic eating should do the opposite but in my case it is strongly the other way around. It does not have to be a full meal just a snack can kill the urge. Otherwise, it becomes incredibly strong. On a taanit the kedusha of the day makes me not even think about acting out.

the rule is that halt is a big trigger
hunger 
anger
lonely
tired

I want to have a clear mind and pure neshama for Pesach without that junk, I want to end these habits before Adar ends if I can.

Welcome 

Did you make a plan yet? You can find a great template in the smart recovery section of the forum 

Hatzlocho 

Also, please check out these great free resources. They provide great chizuk:

Great book (ebook) for breaking free: The Battle of the Generation
guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/the-battle-of-the-generation.

Rabbi Shafier's incredible lectures on breaking free: The Fight. Download here: theshmuz.com/series/the-fight/

Also, you can sign up for the daily GYE Boost emails/ whatsapps at www.gyeboost.org.

Cesare wrote on 09 Mar 2021 00:11:

First off, welcome to the club of a bunch of awesome growing guys who all are here for more or less the same reason.

In my journey, I found that more than focusing on what is said to work, I need to focus on what actually works for me. If you are triggered in certain situations, then they are triggers. 

I guess it should be obvious that making a ta'anis is not the way to go in this case... unless that is what works for you, whatever. 

My point is, just do what works, not what is supposed to work.

A while back, a guy wrote that he feels like he is cheating because he knows about GYE and so many guys who are struggling don't. I don't know, if it works, do it, if not, don't.

Hatzlachah, keep us posted.   

Welcome, welcome, welcome! Always a tremendous chizuk to see someone else beginning to start their journey towards purity.

I am also a BT for a few years now and will be starting university next elul BezH. I have gone to public school for most of my life and totally agree the secular environment is counterproductive to achieving these goals of purity. That being said, I think university can be a great opportunity especially if you're able to find a nice jewish community there where you can keep your yiddishe identity. 

I also have a suggestion for the filter dilemma. Basically you can download filters for your devices that don't have to block anything necessarily, but still provide incentive to stay clean. How does it work? The software takes screenshots of your browsing throughout the day and at the end of the week will send these screenshots to someone you have asked (partner, friend, rav) to review in the form of a report. If the report is kosher, kol b'seder, but if it sees you intentionally looked up something you're not supposed to, you will have to pay a knas (at least $100). This Knas Based Accountability software is available through WebChaver for free. There is also another filtering software that works the same way but does not do the knas thing. The latter is called Truple and is available for a pretty inexpensive monthly rate (please pm me for discount codes for Truple). You would be surprised how effective screenshot accountability is as a deterrent for looking at shmutz.

Anyways, this was a helluva long rant but I hope it helps. Hatzlocha!

Hi Cesare, welcome and well done for taking the initiative. Since this is something relatively recent, I wonder if you have reflected on what may have led to its coming to the fore. I also wonder whether this is something you might discuss with a rabbi, trusted friend, or a professional. 

There are many kind and experienced people here with a lot of wisdom to share. I learn much from them and know you will, too. 

The thing is I never had an issue with it even during my early teenage years. Over Covid essentially I feel like instead of curiosity killed the cat, curiosity killed the neshama. It is a problem that started off with looking at immodest content (not clearly pornographic.) with curiosity that soon became perversion. From perversion, we went deeper and deeper down the hole to worse content and worse actions. Eventually, we reached the peak of my degeneracy and I came to realize if it got any worse it could become an addiction. I tried for a couple of weeks to avoid the content but I always came coming back. I did not directly ask but during a shiur the maggid talked about this service. 

It's such a great thing that you are recognizing the problem, and taking action, before it becomes even more deeply ingrained. 

I had a nocturnal emission on Shabbat morning. This is usually a sign of withdrawal from my filth. Hopefully this time I quit for good and not temporarily. Shavua Tov.

Shavua tov! 

Agreed. When the y"h can't get you during the day, it has to resort to getting you at night. That means you've been doing some excellent work to resist being m"zl during the waking hours. Kol hakavod and keep it up!