Hi. Here's where I am.

The Good- Overall, I (mostly) continue to make huge strides in my bein adam lemakom, my bein adam lechaveiro, my ruchniyus, and my gashmiyus. I've broken my longest record for not performing zera levatala almost every year for the past ten years. I've had several six-month-or-so streaks without watching p-graphic material, with shorter and shorter gaps in between. I've never been happier, stronger, and more confident than I am now (these past months/last year). I'm engaged, and I'm certain she's the only one for me. Thank you Hashem!

The Bad- My Taphsic shvua of several months recently expired and I'm not motivated enough to restart it. There's also a voice inside telling me I need to practice for my wedding night. For both these reasons, I've let myself have several falls without a fight; I feel too comfortable with where I am.

The Ugly- I feel like a different person than I used to be. On the one hand, I can't relate to how frequently and how low I used to fall back in the day. However, I'm also forgetting why this fight is important to me. Part of me feels like I'll never fully overcome.

Aaron1 wrote on 12 Jan 2021 04:22:

First of all, mazal tov on your upcoming wedding!

The bad is indeed pretty bad.

Let me ask you, what is it that you are afraid of?

As far as practicing for your wedding night, I don't know if you have access to the "Balei Battim's forum" but if you don't I would suggest you request access and take a look at the tread called Pnimius Hazivvug.

I don't want to spoil it for you and neither is this the place for it but please for your own sake make sure that whoever you plan on getting your chosson shmeuz by knows about your history.

Most people I know thought before they got married that the more they "know" the shorter the shmues needs to be. The reality is the opposite, the more you know, the longer it needs to be. You first have to get a cleaning, then a root canal, sometimes even a full extraction and an implant. It gets real messy and definitely is not pain free.

So I beg of you, please get this work done before you get married because once your married, it has to be done without anesthetic.  

Oh and in case you haven't figured it out yet, you can't practice for wedding night, surely not by building strong fortified walls between you and your wonderful kallah.

You must make your marriage about her,  and your conduct in this area must also be about her. Practicing before your wedding is probably one of the most selfish acts that can be done. "practicing" is focusing on yourself and forgetting about her. If you want to focus on her, try to imagine her face if she was in the room when you are practicing, yeah that's right, she would probably vomit, then burst out crying and never speak to you again.

Yup.

You should practice for your wedding night, and that is by practicing sacrificing yourself for your kallah. Maybe even renew your Taphsik or whatever specifically to practice for wedding night, that would be much more appropriate.

I hope I am not being too harsh, it's just real important to get this straight and people like myself and many others get this all messed up.

The best thing you can do right now is whatever it takes to get back on the highway, now more than ever. You will bless yourself after your wedding that you took care of this now.

Hatzlacha and may you be zoche to build a home that is kaddosh and tahor.

All the best,
Wilnevergiveup

wilnevergiveup wrote on 12 Jan 2021 05:51:

I'm unsure if you understood what I meant because I don't think she would do any of those. I'm not defending the falls; this is a rationalization from the yetzer hara I just haven't exactly encountered before.


Thanks for the concern. It did feel too harsh. I'm in a bit of a rut coming off a really good run and this just left me feeling bad about myself. I don't think that was your intention, but that's how it felt. Although I really haven't posted much, I've read a lot of your posts and I have a lot respect for you.​


Amen.

wilnevergiveup wrote on 12 Jan 2021 05:51:

How do I request access?

Aaron1 wrote on 12 Jan 2021 08:18:

Email gye.help@gmail.com or help@guardyoureyes.org

Aaron1 wrote on 12 Jan 2021 08:14:

No problem, I am really sorry that I misunderstood you. My intent was not to hurt you, rather to give you a strong reasoning to use to counter the Y"H, sorry that it came out the wrong way. I know that you don't want to actually practice, but the Y"H does want you to so you must make sure not to let your guard down. Even though now it's just a fleeting thought, you would be surprised what our brains are capable of if we let these thoughts fester.

I was hoping to arm you with a counter attack, sorry again that I came across too strongly.

Please continue to post and don't let my response scare you away.

You seem like a real growing yid, keep shteiging!

You are also really strong for standing up for yourself and not just crawling back into your shell (like I would).

All the best,
Wilnevergiveup

wilnevergiveup wrote on 12 Jan 2021 05:51:

This may sound harsh to some, but the only one at fault - is reality. It's the cold, hard, naked truth. Oh yeah, that root canal thingy, isn't just on the man...he causes his wife's teeth to decay and she may lose her ability and desire to eat and enjoy food for a while. Or forever.

But, if properly addressed and worked on, it can be a beautiful set of teeth. Both rows of straight white pearls, working in harmony, the tastebuds singing in delight as the deliciously delicate flavors tickle their fancy...

We have the ability to create an intimate experience that can be "The good, the bad, or the ugly."

Great post @WNGU!

I feel amazing. I'm ready to reach new heights. Three steps forward, one step back. Let's go!

Also, I was shown a neat article today that really, really resonated with me: www.inverse.com/mind-body/curiosity-awareness-behavior-change

I was reminded of times where in the heat of the moment I take a step back, look around the room, and think to myself, "What am I doing?? This looks so pathetic." And poof. The desire is gone.

Onward.

Aaron1 wrote on 12 Jan 2021 04:22:

Please do not view my comments as criticism. You are obviously BH doing well. I just want to see you walk down to your chupa completely cured, and spare you the trauma not completely cured fellows have after the chasuna.


If you are certain she is the one for you, you owe it to her to be mekabel to NEVER watch pornography again. Once married, besides the destruction watching pornography can cause if detected, and besides the toxic effect it has on married life by brainwashing you that your wife is an object - at most a kosher masturbation tool, watching pornography is cheating on your wife - plain and simple.


You do not need to practice for your wedding night - what you think you need to do, you already know good and well how to do. What you do need to do is learn what is really supposed to happen on your wedding night. If you don't tell your chosson rebbi that you need your prior "education" erased, you better get to a GYE mentor before your chasuna to straighten you out.


Get on the phone with an accountability partner. If you are engaged, there is not much time left. You can't afford to not be motivated at this point. Let someone hold your hand and if necessary pull hard to get you far away from all the garbage ASAP!


May Hashem shower you and the kallah with bracha. May your home be a place where the Shechina will comfortably dwell.

Aaron. Just to explain the "harsh" reactions here. Unfortunately we married men on this forum have hurt our wives by entering marriage with this problem. We see you about to head to the chuppa, and we see ourselves I you and we wish someone was there when we got married to stop us from falling off the cliff.

Wish you mich hatzlocho and strength. The root canal is not easy but I assure you, the othr way is much more painful.

With love

HH

Hashem Help Me wrote on 20 Jan 2021 03:40:

Dearest Aaron1,
Please please heed the words of HHE.
We all love and care for you so much and only want to see you succeed in building a Bayin Neeman b’Yisrael of Kedusha v’Tahara.
Please stay and work with us.
And you will, bezras Hashem, be matzliach.

With love and hope,

YeshivaGuy

Don't mean to hijack this thread from you Aaron, but I wanted to express hakaras hatov to the warnings from the married chevra beyond pressing the "thank you" button. I have had strings of falls start from this same twisted thought process of "practicing". This is definitely something I needed to hear.

Doing well, folks. That is all.

How u been bro?

wilnevergiveup wrote on 12 Jan 2021 05:51:

Bump.

This is a must read for all the bochurim.