I'm 21, I grew up frum, I went to day school, I was a good kid. In middle school I had to transfer out of day school and into public school (where I would remain) because I needed to be placed in special education for some mental health issues that thank G-d is mostly behind me now. Since moving away from day school, I have slowly started to drift away from my orthodoxy. I stopped keeping kosher and shabbat and I don't think I have davened regularly since middle school. My jewish education is severely lacking, I can barely read hebrew. Anyway since going to college I have connected with the chabad on campus and like 2 years ago I started keeping kosher again and am doing my best to keep shabbat. I am on a journey to reinjuvinate myself. I've been learning with my rabbis. I used to blow shofar for my family that could not physically go to shul and I was pretty good at it too, my uncle trained me....Anyway for a while now like 10+ years I have dealt with porn and masturbation.Im at a point in my rejuvenation process where I just don't feel comfortable moving forward (i.e. relearning hebrew and start davening again and learning regularly and blowing the shofar(which I stopped mainly because I did not feel pure)) until I get over this hurdle. I can not have this schmutz in the back of my mind if I am to do the things that involves getting closer to hashem, It just feels very wrong. Just as the cohen gadol would wash their hands before entering the mishkan, I too must purify myself before taking the next steps on my journey towards a relationship with hashem. I need a mental mikvah dip

Ide love to hear any and all thoughts you guys might have, and extra brownie points to whoever can tell me where my username is from without a google search.

Welcome! I don't think you view it this way, but your story is very inspiring. You have overcome a lot to get to this point, and we are looking forward to seeing you continue and achieve great success.

It looks like you would gain from a new perspective on this struggle. This way you could stop looking down on yourself and feeling impure, and instead view each challenge as an opportunity to accomplish great things. Check out these great free resources and are very helpful for this:

The Battle of the Generation https://guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/the-battle-of-the-generation.

Rabbi Shafier's incredible lectures on breaking free: The Fight. Download here: https://theshmuz.com/series/the-fight/

Also, check out the daily GYE Boost emails at www.gyeboost.org.

Hi buddy! 
Very inspiring story, thanks for sharing and joining our family!
but I must disagree with your opinion (feeling?) that you must be over with porn etc before going forward in other areas.
There is no such thing by hashem that before you do so and so etc he doesn't want/need our mitzvos, there is no place in the Torah that says if you didn't "win" yet the yetzer horah in one area, you should stop doing everything else... one is not connected to another, hashem has a tremendous nachas whenever we do something for him, he wants us to do his mitzvos from wherever we are spiritually. He longs for his children even if they are not clean and pure yet. 
it does not make you a hypocrite, if you didn't succeed yet in keeping clean for so and so long, it's a hard struggle, and all hashem wants from us is to work on it, and try our best, that's what makes him happy, he didn't give the Torah for the Angel's, he gave it to us people that try, fall, and try again. 
he loves us regardless of where we are in our spirituality, hes our father, his love is bigger than we can understand! He appreciates every good deed and every bit of work we do for him, it's not all or nothing, every bit counts and we will paid for every small effort!
We all here are struggling with these stuff, and still we daven, learn, and try to keep the mitzvos to the best of our ability.
so forget that guilt, remember that hashem loves you, remember that it's fine by him that you fall. He still loves you! And so do we!!!

Just to echo Captain and Youngster - you are anything BUT a hypocrite. Many of us here are far more "in the mainsteam fold" yet struggle mightily... Please give this forum a chance (read other threads, post periodically, etc.) and you will see miracles! (speaking of miracles, check out Grant's Chanuka Miracle thread



Stay strong, brother!

Wow, thank you for all your responses, I really appreciate all your different points of view on the subject. I obviously knew I wasn't alone in this struggle but I was surprised to see how eager everyone is to get involved and help a brother out. I hear what everyone is saying about how I don't necessarily need to get over this hurdle to continue on my journey, but I can't help but feel that I'm just being a slap in the face to hashem if I were to say start putting tiffin on again, yet be tarnished in this way. It feels so disrespectful to the king of the universe. And yes I know, no one is perfect, that is a side effect of being human, but for some reason it feels like I'm being more disrespectful by doing this than say breaking rules that we all do from time to time like lashin hara or disrespecting our parents, it just feels like the polar opposite of being pure.

Again thank you all for your responses

I hear what you are feeling, but lemme ask you your opinion, should I stop putting on teffilin now? Tell me honestly, what do you think?
Do you look on me like a hypocrite? If not, why?

Sorry if I sound corny, but mark my word, your putting on tefilin - given the enormous courage and leap of faith that it will take - is probably far more precious to Hashem than the hanachas tefilin of the greatest of gedolim....

I know the above statement may seem controversial and brazen, but I am more than willing to take the slack and backlash for this statement (and I can fully back up my words from chazal)

As an aside, in my darker days, my fiery yetzer did not differentiate whether I was wearing tefilin or not....so relatively speaking - you can wear them with pride and honor as Hashem's most loyal soldier.

Carmichael, I we could not be prouder of you!

Hi A.C

Welcome to the forums.
(I'm still trying to figure out your name! No luck yet...)

Here's my thought....

I come from a chabad background.
As you know, and you yourself mention you benefitted from a chabad presence.

The Rebbe started the idea of movtzoyim. Going out and helping jews, no matter where they are holding.

I doubt the first question you were asked was "how religious are you" or "do you keep kosher"

It was most probably " did you put on teffilin today?"
Because a mitzvah is a mitzvah. (Mitzvah means connection)
The goal is to help another jew connect to his source.
(Even if he just puts teffilin on once in his life, helps a jew tremendously "even if he is in a state of impurity"
Even if someone fantasizes , can he not control himself for a few minutes!?)...there is alot on the subject))



What is so special about teffilin?
It's that at the time you are putting on teffilin you are connecting with Hashem
As you bind your arm (your heart) and head (your mind) to hashem

Teffilin is a powerful time to connect to hashem.
Isn't that what you are looking for? To be closer to hashem? To connect with him?

How do you think you will be able to connect to G-D if you block him out?
What about kosher and shabbos? Wouldn't that also be an act of hypocrisy?

I have an issue with viewing porn, that's why I am here.
I didn't look to drop everything I hold important to me just because I'm not 100%.
Im holding back from what I have an issue with.... viewing porn or triggers ect ect.

Now my life experience is not your life experience. Everyone is on their journey.

Thank you for sharing your story. your amazing for coming on the forums and putting the facts out there, it's not easy and you are admired by me.


(If anyone has any issues with what I wrote, attack me and only me as I wrote this from my own personal view)

90dys wrote on 13 Dec 2020 20:36:

Can you please share with us leto'eles harabim? It would give me and many others chizuk.

Captain wrote on 13 Dec 2020 21:41:

It would make sense what he’s saying.
Rav Dessler says that one only gets Schar for doing a mitzva that was within his Nekudas HaBechira to do/not do.
So for gedolim, or anyone who has always put on tefillin, it’s not a question of whether they will put it on at all, but more of whether they will have kavana etc.

So they don’t get Schar for it. But they still get “Zechus”
What does this mean? Am I saying we don’t get Schar for putting on tefillin everyday? I don’t know. I’m just quoting what R Dessler says in Kuntres HaBechira.

But anyway, that means, if one is deciding between putting on/not putting on tefillin at all. Then the Schar/affect of that Hanochas Tefillin is much bigger than that of someone who put it on every day of their life

This is the same concept discussed by addictions. That if someone is addicted to doing a particular aveira, then they may be considered as not having bechira and won’t get punished for it.
Now, obviously there’s punishment for the times when one chose to do it. But a person with a severe addiction who does things (like gambling,pornography etc) compulsively May not be subject to the discussion of Schar v’Onesh.

Obviously we must try our hardest to use our bechira. I’m just bringing out a point

Agent_Carmichael wrote on 13 Dec 2020 19:29:

First I just want to say you are amazing and a tremendous inspiration.

If I understand correctly, you are under the impression that Aveiros are a “slap to the face of GD.”

But let me ask you. Do you think HaShem needs our mitzvos?
You think It matters to Him if we watch porn etc or whether we tie black boxes to our arms?
GD is perfect, do you think it matters to HIM if we do good or bad?
No.

Mitzvos are for us. It enables US to develop a relationship with GD. GD loves US and wants the best for US. 
God wants Man to have the “ultimate good”- a relationship with God. That’s attained through mitzvos and avoiding aveiros.
Thats all He cares about.
God doesn’t get offended.

So, you are struggling in one aspect of your life. So what?
There are still other avenues in which you can purify yourself and come close to GD.

Hashem is not a child. His feelings don’t get hurt.
GD knows this is a big struggle, but GD expects us to be doing all that we can to come close to HIM.

If I break my leg does that mean I should take a hammer and smash my arm? No. Just because one “part” of me is “hurt” doesn’t mean I should disregard the “health” of the rest of my “body.”

Im not telling you wat to do or not to do.
But I’m saying that these “feelings” are a result of a common misconception of the relationship between Man and God, and of the the point of the Torah.

The Torah is for Man.
Not God. (I can elaborate more upon request. I’m paraphrasing the Derech HaShem/Daas Tevunos of the Ramchal.)


With love and admiration,

YeshivaGuy

רמבם שמונה פרקים

וכאשר חקרנו דברי חכמים בזה הענין נמצא להם: שהמתאוה לעברות ונכסף אליהן - הוא יותר חשוב ויותר שלם, מאשר לא יתאוה אליהן ולא יצטער בהנחתן; עד שאמרו: שכל אשר יהיה האדם יותר חשוב ויותר שלם - תהיה תשוקתו
לעברות והצטערו בהנחתן יותר גדול.

רמב״ם הלכות תשובה ז׳ ד׳

"ואל ידמה אדם בעל תשובה שהוא מרוחק ממעלת הצדיקים מפני העוונות והחטאות שעשה. אין הדבר כן, אלא אהוב ונחמד הוא לפני הבורא כאילו לא חטא מעולם. ולא עוד אלא ששכרו הרבה, שהרי טעם טעם החטא ופרש ממנו וכבש יצרו…".

בעל התניא  ״בגלל שבעל התשובה רחוק יותר, לכן הצמא שלו לקדושה הוא גבוה יותר מהצמא שיש לצדיק. שהרי מי שנמצא במדבר שממה, הצמא שלו למים גדול הרבה יותר ממי שנמצא בעיר…


By the way, just for the record - you see from the first רמב״ם that the idea of במקום שבעלי תשובה עומדים וכו is essentially the same concept as כל הגדול מחבירו וכו.

Not necessarily the simplest מהלך, but fascinating nonetheless...

Hey buddy, wat happened to u?

90dys wrote on 13 Dec 2020 22:31:

Where is that last quote from?