Day 1.

This has affected most if not all aspects of my life in very bad ways. Being older probably than many of you I can tell you this does not get any easier.

Hoping to check in regularly and keep on top of this going forward.

thank you,

yaakov

Welcome! I hope this time turns from a "tried" to a "succeeded"!

Can you share a little about what you struggle with exactly?

Also, I promise you that if you stay around and utilize the platform and programs that GYE offers, you will definitely start to see success!

Hello - yes, some background. I am married with children. Married many years in fact.

P%%n has been my main partner most of my life and is my go-to place during stress, boredom, happiness, sadness, and so on.

I come from from what you might call a lazy modern orthodox background.  Finally went full-on baal teshuva (chabad style) when kids were very young. Unfortunately it did not suit my wife and we adjusted things a bit but over time.. but... of course... we continued diluting things and a few years ago our children even stopped going to jewish schools.

I have all the text-book reasons to rationalise it ("go ahead, you earned it, you've been really good recently") or justify it ("yeah you can do it because of all the bad things going on, it'll do you good").. and so on.

A few years ago I did mange 90 days. But I was very angry with Hashem about it. My life was still bad,just awful.  I blamed HAshem, of course.  "Hashem i am not masturbating and look my life is worse than ever!"   Of course, as you would expect... as soon as I hit 90 days, I got my revenge.

So anyway, my wife got sick.  Very sick actually, almost disabled at one point. Yep...... sympathy all-round, what a great dad, what a great husband. But no-one knew I was fine. I had my porn wife, always there for me. Non judging.

So that's it in a nutshell !

My hope is that if I check in daily, I will keep myself accountable.

I am pretty certain I cannot do it if I am just left to my own devices.

THanks for reading
Y

Thanks for sharing.

You need a game plan. Just deciding is idealistic but not so practical. Are the real reasons you want to stop clear to you? Clear enough to deter you in a weak moment? Clear enough to be a powerful motivator when the going gets rough?

Try to write down all the pros and cons. Come to a clear decision about which you will be happier.

Work on removing access and availability. Prepare something to do when bored or sad or when in any situation that formerly turned you to porn so you will have a distraction.

Browse old topics and work on changing your mindset about lust. Remember it's not a necessity.

Post, post, post, post. Also very important: POST!

Hatzlacha!

                                  Grant

P.S. How's the wife? (The real one)

Lets start with one thing.

Promise not to run away from here. I read through some of your old stuff, sounds really rough. Please, just stick around for a while and you will see success.

Make a commitment that even if things don't go smoothly at first, you will not throw in the towel. Promise that you will give it another shot. It's going to be rough, make sure to prepare yourself for when that happens. This fight is won on rough terms, it's won by fighting mighty battles.

We have the right to make choices, but that doesn't mean that making the right choice is going to be easy. The truth is that the right choice is always the more difficult one. It wouldn't be free choice otherwise, we would be always be compelled to choose good. If good was the easier choice, we would have no reason to obscure reality in order to convince ourselves that evil was what we really wanted. No one in their right mind would choose the more difficult choice when they know that it is also false. The only reason we really have a choice is because we are always inclined to choose evil. 

Sorry about the rant, I just needed to get that off my chest. The point is (for myself as well) that we have to realize that the area of this fight that will have the most impact on our growth and help us change is when it gets tough. The rough battles are when we grow and change so don't shy away as soon as they show up.

Hatzlachah, may we see much of you here and for good things.

All the best,
Wilnevergiveup  

wilnevergiveup wrote on 18 Nov 2020 05:25:

Halevai! There are so many fellows that come here to GYE and get started. Then the initial excitement wears off, or they have a setback after having convinced themselves that they were finished with this forever, or they get scared that the commitment is too great/not ready to give up the pacifier yet, or one of us guys comes on too strong and scares them away, or they are not ready to filter, or one of a million other things happens.  And then they are gone. Poof. Disappeared back into the anonymous world they came from. They continue to walk the streets with that debilitating rasha/loser mentality - "I am a hypocrite/I will never get better/Hashem hates me/If my rav, wife, friends, parents only knew..." It is so sad. Somehow if we can figure out how to hold on to the chevra just a little bit longer, and make it all the more real, so much more can be done. There is so much unnecessary suffering out there. There are mehalchim that work. People do get better b'ezras Hashem. It just takes time to help someone tailor make what will iyh work for him.....A little patience/resilience. Don't disappear!!!    Sorry for the rant, but your comment "Promise not to run away from here" got me started.....

THank you guys, I appreciate your words.

In the spirit of not running away from here... I am back - day 2!!

Funny that you should mention about the melachim. I have noticed them!  They are the ones that do impish things to trip up my porn activity... like stop my internet from working when I am acting out, make my phone ring, drop something on the floor, introduce distractions... they work really hard but sadly I've been so successful at beating them away, even though they are just trying to carry me to safety! 
Unbelievable really, my lack of gratitude. And yet they dont give up, they come back every day to protect me. Unbelievable.

have a great day guys.
Y

PS Real wife is pretty much the same.. angry, sad, upset, tired, exhausted, beaten down...

5770 wrote on 19 Nov 2020 00:52:

Believe it or not, this may have very much to do with your secret mistresses. (Porn). Start cleaning up your side of the street and you may be pleasantly surprised with how your wife will start feeling better and feeling loved once again. 

HI Grant, thanks... I hope so.

day 3... only an infinite number left to go!

5770 wrote on 20 Nov 2020 14:50:

Only the number 1 my friend! ODAAT, one day at a time.

checking in guys. Day 6, going good.

Feeling confident, .. doing the little conversaton maybe i should reward myself for my good behaviour?

Anyway keeping the lid on it

Anyway thanks for being here.

5770 wrote on 23 Nov 2020 01:40:

You absolutely should, just not with hell. Find something meaningful and enjoyable to do as a reward, but rewarding yourself with the poison you are trying to run away from is a knife in the back.

Wilnevergiveup

5770 wrote on 23 Nov 2020 01:40:

If you feel good about it you should definitely reward yourself! 
If you have been having a hard time and could use a boost to help you appreciate your amazing work then definitely reward yourself! 

Keep up the good work! 

After many years of growing apart (thank you internet which made it super easy) i've realised that i also blame my wife for stuff (whether justified or non-justified) and then act out....as compensation.  Of course, a braver man would go off to another woman, but not me

Twisted logic huh?

I can justify any behavior of mine as follows: she makes bad decisions for our family (poor parenting skills for example, etc) therefore I am justfied to strike back using porn/etc.