Remember, it's perfectly okay to have an urge, and it's perfectly okay to ignore it.

I got very close to being nichshal.

Its very hard to do this, but Ill be honest and vulnerable right now.
I still haven’t totally gotten rid of this phone so I can have access to it, so was able to get my friend to open the AppStore.

It’s sickening to me that I’m so weak that I still haven’t gotten rid of this thing 100%.

I didn’t watch vids etc. got a “meet people” app.
Spoke to few people bout stam, which ממילא got me taiva, and seeing the profile pics as well.

This was the trigger.
I struggled with this (the game of indulge in using the app but not masterbating) from 3:00-8:00 and then 10:30-12:30 (I napped from 8-10:30 cuz was too much to handle...)
I texted my seacond Seder chavrusa that I was sick, because I just didn’t feel I was able to go...

B’kitzur, I deleted the app.

Now, let’s be honest.
How much longer do I wanna keep playing this foolish game?
Im so embarrassed that I haven’t taken the proper precautions. 
That’s why I resisted speaking to some of u on the phone when u reached out (which was much appreciated).
Because I knew/know what I need to do, I’m just not doing it...

Im very frustrated with myself.
No sugarcoating or justifying this.
Its pure cowardice.

Maybe I’ll make myself a ln insentive for not using the phone at all? Idk...

But as far as not masterbating etc, I wasn’t nichshal bh. Though it was extremely close.
I really just wanted to throw in the towel.

I didn’t even have koach to go to dinner, I just had some string cheese and crackers...

Anyway, that’s me folks.
I have so much potential. I really believe in myself that I can become a big Talmud Chacham and Eved HaShem. 
And that’s גופא why it’s so so frustrating to me that I make such dumb decisions...

I look in the mirror, hear mussar shmuzin, and think about who I “can be” and the only thing holding me back from getting there, is Me.

I know what I need to do, and I promise you guys I’ll give it another shot.

In the recesses of my heart I ask and beg HaShem to let me start anew tomorrow morning.
I hope to discard the past and blaze a new course-
To be Tovel, ״ראשו ורובו״ in the ״מקוה ישראל ה׳״ without the שרץ in my hand and in my heart.

May HaShem see my deep Ratzon for Kirvas HaShem, and aide me in using my Bechira in attaining that.

YeshivaGuy, I'm not the one to be preaching for the choir, but I get your struggles and understand it.
Please understand כל הגדול מחברו יצרו גדול ממנו every day you grow you will be presented with new challenges. I see that chazal as a tremendous chizuk. I'm not struggling with the same old stupid stuff, now it's a bigger challenge.
Show us your true power and be my role model.

Yeshiva Guy, your honesty and courage is unique. How I wish when I was your age I could have gotten out all the turmoil..... We all know what we need to do in various areas of our lives, yet resist doing so. That is the normal growth challenge that we go through on a daily, sometimes hourly basis. It is easy for me to write the words "If you know what you need to do, so just go do it already" - but then I would have to read what I wrote and apply it to my myriad issues that need fixing. So instead I will write - Keep growing buddy. As you develop, you should know you are schlepping many other guys up and out of the mud with your incredible inspiration. We are all rooting for you, and in a certain way, counting on you, while at the same time we validate this really tough struggle, and appreciate how vulnerable you feel at times. When you are ready to take the next step, we will cry along with you at the loss of your phone/pacifier - we have all had similar "losses", while also sharing your tears of joy and hope - that you made the move to be that much closer to Hashem.

YeshivaGuy, you are amazing!  I was so worried for you last night, didn't hear back from you.  And to hear that you came so close but pulled back from the edge, that is something very very special.

Your introspection into what caused this mess was great as well.  I can also say I have not burned all my bridges yet (for all sorts of irrational reasons), maybe I'm not fully determined to get better.

Sharing your experience with us is so so important for you and for us. Your catching yourself after the slip should be an encouragement to all.  Don't beat yourself up, you are a champion.  But use the experience to grow so next time you don't get to 'the entrance of her home' of Mishlei.  You might not be so lucky next time...

The Break in Yeshiva between shiur and mincha has always been a difficult time for me.
That would be huge, if I could fill up that void and not leave it open to the Yetzers grasp

I wrote a Poem tonight, depicting my new mindset. We’ll discuss the specific ramifications later on, bezras Hashem.

There is a fire

In my heart

As all my pieces

Drift apart

Voices speak

Inside my mind

“Tell me what

there is to find”

What is it

That I’ve been told?

Why is past

Now growing old?

Is there future

To my course?

May I ever

“Ride” my “horse”?

Am I a man

Who seeks to stand

Or am I happy

As I am?

There is a fire

In my mind

Voices tell me

Where to find

The shattered vessel

That I see

Which had a name

And it was

Me

What is it

That I’ve been told?

Is my past

Now growing old?

Where is the fire

In my heart?

I watch my pieces

Drift apart

If only I

Could drain the sea

Maybe there I would see

The shattered vessel

That is Me

The caged man

Who seeks to flee

I am not bound

By what I see

There is a fire

And it’s Me

Watch now as

I drain the sea

And show you what it is

That’s Me

I am mind

I am heart

I shall now

Own each part

Regardless of

What “they” say

I convert

Night to Day

There is a future

That I see

It has a name

And it is Me

The caged man

Now is free.

The shattered vessel

That was Me.

B.E.A.U.T.I.F.U.L.

Please share your writing more often! You have a natural skill for putting your emotions down on paper, your innermost feelings become clear words for us to experience with you. Mix that with your literary flair and...Voila!

Thank you!

P.S. I definitely can relate to the poem. 

I’m honored to be part of Klall Yisroel.
Everyone have a wonderful night!

I just came across a poem I wrote about 3.5 years ago, when I was in 12th grade and struggling a lot. I had just won a certain big nisayon, and then failed. Felt despair, so wrote this. Here is it, in case there’s any Toeles L’Rabim:

Defeating the intangible

Victories to no end

Yet later on I fall

Before the pit

I bend

Shall this mark my end?

Salvation not near?

Worthless in the dark?

Surrendering my mark?

Hashem I see no path

No course that leads to You

On the floor

I fall again

Enemies ensue

At home I’m attacked

In battle everyday

Do You hear my voice?

Does it matter what I say?

All I have is shattered

In the desert

Barren

I lay

All paths to You are treacherous

I travel and I say:

Traversing enemy waters

Ransacked by foreign ships

I turn my eyes to You

Though prayer not from lips

I beg You Hashem

With heart not with voice

It is You I have chosen

When before me was choice

On this path I meet

Engage with others

Not friends

Some I win

And some I lose

Wars with no ends

Be my light

My guide

As I follow You with love

When I fall down

Reunite

Return your love

Your Dove

-6/12/17

You yeshivaguy are on a whole other level.

Im not even close to your ability of expressing yourself!

If you have more hidden treasures, please post!

Zedj wrote on 01 Jan 2021 06:58:

Thanks.
Since I was young, wrighting poetry was one of different ways I would express and concretize my emotions...

You really have beautiful writings. You should have some of them published. Maybe in a magazine or something. They are not too explicit for the public,but bring out all the good points.

Lou wrote on 01 Jan 2021 07:37:

Thanks so much, I really appreciate it.
I have around 40 or so similar poems, I’d like to publish them some day.
I think it’s good and my friends do to, but u never know if others will appreciate it...
Nit sure how/where to publish. If to make a separate kuntres? Start a blog? Start sending them to Mishpocha magazine?