YeshivaGuy, I have no words to articulate my admiration for you and my appreciation for what you wrote.
This stuff is the fabric from which true greatness is woven.

I will try untangling these vivid emotions engulfing me. 

This may be long and unorganized and no need to read it, if it helps someone great, but I’m primarily trying to deconstruct what I’m experiencing.

I’m overwhelmed, heart has been pounding for hours, is it taiva? There’s a drive to express this vis-à-vis porn/masterbation but it’s not taiva.
Passion, yes it’s passion. An angst, a desire to build, create, change the world.
It’s uncomfortable. I want to numb it. Why?

Tomorrow I have a first date with a girl.
Today I had to interact with people and there was a girl close to my age of shidduch age, very pretty maybe shayach, maybe I’ll look into it at some point but I’m going on a date tomorrow I can’t think like that!

Oy but tomorrow I also need to interact with that girl again, that’s so hard. Maybe the girl I’ll date won’t be as pretty.
What am I feeling?

My professor emailed me why I’m absent at class tonight and whether I’m even still in the class. Oy I can’t deal with that, with anything, let me escape, run away. I’m lying in bed almost shaking, let’s try writing on Gye abit.

Within a Man exists the will to be like GD, to create and build yesh m’ayin.
This koach of binyan defines Man as Tzelem Elokim.
Masterbating/porn etc is using the koach of building to destroy. Using the koach of binyan in such a matter is levatala.
It’s bad since it’s the ultimate zilzul of tzelem Elokim.

The depths of my Nefesh yearns to build, to express and actualize my power to build.
The first thought that comes to my mind when I feel this way is I need to get married etc.

If this desire isn’t being expressed right now then there’s a different way to deal with things.
Instead of going to the doctor I can put myself in a coma.
Not manifesting this power is painful, feels restraining, repressing.
And in truth, it is!

A way to avoid this is to use this power to destroy. Or simply to let it go to waste.
And then I won’t need to contend with this uncomfortable reality.

Man is made to build, and it is his peculiar nature to destroy rather than contend with the challenges his koach habinyan brings.

What does this do for me, why am I spewing all these haaros when I’m shaking overwhelmed, unable to think straight even?
I don’t know.
It is to show myself that what I’m experiencing is real and not just real but that these desires are not a sign of a sinner but rather it is what makes me like GD.

This struggle over the power to create is precisely what sets me apart from animals and is the crown I wear of tzelem Elokim.
וראו כל עמי הארץ כי שם ה׳ נקרא עליך

I have no sweet ending to this, I’m having a hard time, I’m light headed, confused, and I’m trying to find my zivug, trying trying, I just want a relationship through which I can fulfill the purpose for which I was created.
But who am I kidding, I’m not just all lshaim shamayim!
Im not some big tzadik, I’m worried about how the girl will look, whether she’ll be “enough” for me, if she’ll do this or that.
This intermingling of guf and nefesh fused into one force propelling me to get married is so confusing. 


Will this next girl be the one, idk, is it the other girl who knows. I haven’t been learning also, Oy I can go on forever.
I can only say from this place of confusion that I want to be good, I seek to build, to set the world ablaze with דעת ה׳ and I can only look up to the ceiling of my dark bedroom turning to GD from the depths of who I am-praying, yearning to be free.

And when I press submit on this post what changes?
Not much. I’m left alone with myself.
Yes I can check any responses to this post etc but in truth there is nowhere to go or to hide.
Cool, so people somewhere will think I’m choshuv, it’s nice but it doesn’t change me it doesn’t enhance my life.
The path to genuine change and success is forged through painful decisions. Composed of blood and bones not a conglomerate of lights on a screen.
I ask GD, grant me true success, true growth. Grant me my zivug with whom I can continue on that path. 
I need you Hashem. 
At the center of all this passion, taiva, lies an existential need to be close to You.
Please help me nurture that flame safely and don’t allow it to burn me alive.

What am I saying?
i’m not sure. Or am I?

YeshivaGuy

YeshivaGuy wrote on 12 Jul 2023 02:05:

Dear sir, this is such a breathtakingly beautiful post! Stormy, self aware, expressive, reflective, burning with desires of your nefesh, emuna, hope, tentativeness, tenderness, it was such a treat to read (I'm sorry for your pain, of course, and I can relate to much of it). I feel like I read a note from a kindred spirit.

Onwards! And good luck tomorrow night!

YeshivaGuy We are all praying for you. May Hashem give you peace of mind and may he help you find YOUR zivug that will be best for YOU in all aspects. 

I am deeply moved.

True. But the lights on the screen are also part of the fabric of your life. The whole of who you are includes the existential wrangling of your beautiful Neshoma that you are bareing here. Your learning, your strength of purpose, your Sheifos, and also your agony and not-learning, your doubts and your greatness.
All the parts will come together in a magnificient, glorious Kol Azmosai Tomarna....You have so much to give. Give yourself time, Chaver, you'll get there....

Amen! We are rooting for you, Davening for you. That you find a special person who is enough for you in every way. That you continue on your path of growth and find Shleimus.... Hashem wants you to stay close to Him, too, you're His, He has big plans for you.....  

Feeling along with you, my friend, with a lot of empathy and admiration.
When I used to feel this way, it was helpful to get out of bed.
I would sometimes go outside into the night, find a dark and quiet spot among the trees, and there find the words from Dovid Hamelch to express the longing, burning brokenness... כארץ ציה ועיף בלי מים... Helped channel the passion aspect in a positive direction. 
..... The quiet darkness and the crickets can soak into a disquieted Neshoma.... sometimes... 

Hang in there.
Go with Bracha from Hashe-m.

Breathtaking post. Such crystal clear clarity of this profound confusion. really resonated with me.
Good luck!

My friend, YG, WOW! Richtig expressed my thoughts more beautifully than I can. My friend, we are here for you. May you find inner peace and serenity. We are your brothers. Always.

Hey YeshivaGuy, it's been a while since I posted ever since I have been doing great b"h. I read your last 2 posts, it seems like your full of emes spoken throughout each word. You sound intellectual very much, and also a person with much feeling and emotion like a healthy person. I am impressed to see you at what you have gone through. I had times of shidduchim and it has been too hard to bare to say it vaguely enough. I went through alot and bh hashem has someone in mind for you, just "keep trucking" and shteigh. Going Viytar is the key to succeed, whatever you are currently going through. Think of course, just don't sit on the issue ("porta-potty"). 

Also the head counselour job is courageous to say the reason, great job, wondering whatever happened..

Lastly, the job you put down for some money although it has been very unclear. I admire you in such ways for the way you speak and share of yourself, it is really gainful, and it's cute to see a first hand talk of your thoughts, it helps understand of every step you are going through!
emesayid.

How does one contend with the fact that if the girl they’re dating (or a spouse) knew what they thought about at times or what they did, they would break up with them?

How does a guy either who’s dating or married have the right to continue in such a relationship where he withholds such information from the other?

Should such a person break a shiduch that’s been going well if they know the girl would do that if she’d know what he’s done?

Halacha L’Maaseh Question.

Hi YG,
I sometimes have the same question, how am i smiling at my wifer or....... when i just saw the most horrible thing? she would throw me out of the house if she knew.

or better yet,
how am i holding my one month old daughter bh, and looking at G-D and thanking him when he gave me a huge bracha and then go look at the s**t

thanks for asking.

looking forward to all the responses
EYES

YeshivaGuy wrote on 06 Aug 2023 08:42:

It's very important to accept the fact that people have these 'intrusive' thoughts you describe, and they are nevertheless great people, including Kedoshim and Tehorim among us. Obviously, our Rabbis and Gedolim cannot be completely explicit regarding the exact nature of their own inner, hidden struggles. But they are, no doubt, similar to yours. No one dies or loses their Madreigo just from having ‘intrusive' thoughts. Consider getting used to being a real, beautiful, imperfect human being sooner than later.

Having thoughts alone is no sin. The only real spiritual or religious problem happens when one, a) acts on those thoughts, or b) holds onto them unnecessarily. (See this great 5 min clip from Rabbi YY Jacobson) by trying to fight them and denying that they are part of your normal mental landscape, you are much more likely to be holding on to them. We know that the Baal Hatanya writes (Tanya, ch. 28) that wrestling with a dirty man only makes you dirtier and dirtier.

Intrusive, clinging thoughts that just won't go away, as you described, are affected tremendously by behavior. Our behaviors can change our priorities and thought processes. But they need to be: a) actions, not just ideas, b) at least a little bit out of our comfort zones, and c) they need to be performed on a more or less regular basis.

YeshivaGuy wrote on 06 Aug 2023 08:42:

Halacha lmaase cannot be paaskend on an anonymous forum

Shmuel wrote on 06 Aug 2023 16:38:

100% Agreed!
Thanks so much for pointing that out and you’re right, that’s why I reached out to a few people including having a session with my therapist today to discuss.

I suppose what I’d be interested to hear from the guys here is thoughts on what is categorically worthy of being shared or not.
Now I do concede that it will differ based on the person, but some things I’d argue apply across the board.

For example: a married guy sees a woman on the street and has bad thoughts. If his wife would know, she’d look at him differently. Should he tell his wife?
I think it’s poshut no as he should realize he’s human and should make a strong effort to improve.

At the opposite extreme is: A married guy GD forbid is sleeping around, I’d assume that’s behavior outside of the realm of “relatively normal activity/struggles to have within the context of a marriage” and the guy would be morally responsible to disclose that to his wife.

What I mean by that is some things are relatively “normal” for a married man (which I’m not as of yet, just for example) to struggle with.
So if a married man speaks lashon hara, I don’t think he needs to confess that to his wife.
But if he’s going to Burger King every night then that’s probably a different story.
So the question is what are the lines?

As you said, the true answer is it depends on the person. But I do think there are universal red lines that applies to all people.
Like, I think it’s safe to say that there’s no one in the world who needs to tell their wife if they spoke a word of lashon hara once.
And I also think anyone in the world, with no exceptions, should tell there wife if they murdered someone.

So the question is what are the defined red lines similar to those two extreme examples given, and what is in the grey?

YeshivaGuy wrote on 06 Aug 2023 17:51:

My therapist who is a very big Y'rei Shamayim told me that there are two approaches among the therapists. Some hold that a person is responsible to be open about this with their wives. From reading in the Ba'alei Battim's forum there are many people for whom this has worked.

Other therapists believe that the wife has her personal life in the marriage and being open with her can ruin the relationship because she might have a hard time with how the information affects her personal life and because not every woman is necessarily capable of understanding her husband with the right frame of mind.

Real addictions are different and I don't know the answer.

There are cases posted on the GYE website (not on the forum) in letters written by Rabbonim and for those cases they write that a man is obligated to tell his wife. I know of different types of cases where the Rav said not to disclose anything to his wife. Obviously every case is different and a Rav should be asked about his given situation.

Dating it is a completely different type of setting. I would suggest speaking to your therapist about it and also asking a Rav whether a person is halachically obligated to disclose information. I am not a Rav so I don't know the answer to this question. As with every halachic question the Rav needs the full background information in order to give the correct answer so I would suggest being honest with the Rav and disclosing everything. 

I am not a Rav and I was only writing my personal take. I wasn't trying to give psychological advice nor write halacha. Someone took it that I was and perhaps he was right. I edited and reported this post to the moderator and asked him to edit it or delete it. You can report as well. My apologies.