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TOPIC: Make it to Yeshiva 98496 Views

Re: Make it to Yeshiva 29 Sep 2022 19:54 #386099

retrych Current streak: 201 days OFFLINE Expert Boarder Posts: 119 Karma: 5	"mind wont work" That's a big point, I think. This isn't who you are or your level now. It's what happens when your mind is al gone. It will pass. Just hold on to what you can, like Sholomo Hamelech ruling over his staff, and when things clear down you can use that and get right back up

Re: Make it to Yeshiva 29 Sep 2022 21:29 #386101

shkoyach
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YeshivaGuy wrote:

"YeshivaGuy"

Im a horrible person, a rasha and gaining weight.
My life is worthless.
…
I feel beyond all repair.

Dear YeshivaGuy, I only recently joined GYE. Ive been reading through your posts all the way since the beginning. I am sssssssooooooooooooooo inspired by your strength with everything you’re going through. WOW! You’ve been through so much, yet you’re still fighting! You have not given up! INCREDIBLE! You should know I was tearing up while reading about your journey and seeing your perseverance, am tearing up now when Im writing to you. One thing is clear, all of the nasty descriptions you wrote about yourself, that you are “horrible, a rasha, worthless, beyond repair” … those are ALL the FURTHEST FROM THE TRUTH!! Youre going through such hard struggles, and your not giving up, still pushing on day by day. Just the opposite of what you wrote! That means you are INCREDIBLE!, A TZADIK! YOU ARE WORTH MILLIONS AND MILLIONS TO US - ALL YOUR FRIENDS AND SUPPORTERS WHO YOU INSPIRE, AND TO HASHEM TOO! HASHEM LOOVVESS YOU!!! THERE IS STILL TONS OF HOPE FOR YOU!!! Dear YeshivaGuy, Plleeeeaaseee!! Don’t give up! Your journey is so incredibly impressive, to me, and it is clear that it is for all the many people who admire you on GYE! You are a HERO! Everyone else here who is fighting, we are also HEROES!! Please, YeshivaGuy, Continue to fight on, day by day, minute by minute, there is light just around the corner, tomorrow is another day, things will improve! There is so many of us who are blown over by the strides you are making in this fight. Stay FAR AWAY from the bridge!! CONTINUE TO PERSEVERE! PLEEEAASSEE! FOR US! FOR YOU!! YOU CAN DO IT!!! HANG IN THERE!!

Last Edit: 29 Sep 2022 21:49 by shkoyach. Reason: Post deleted, not sure why

Re: Make it to Yeshiva 30 Sep 2022 04:11 #386112

yeshivaguy
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Horrible day2day. Sick not feeling well, sore throat bad cold. Pushed to Go2 work etc.
Going to Israel after shabbos. Super not down, feeling horrible in every way.

Meant to sleep 3 hours ago. Instead tried seeing bad vids. Didn’t even have taiva, didn’t want it, just did it cuz compelled. Idk maybe I’m stam addicted to electronics? Idk but I’m always on this phone and it’s horrible on so many levels.

No idea what’s flying. I need a detox pronto but I don’t know how

Re: Make it to Yeshiva 30 Sep 2022 17:01 #386128

oivedelokim
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Nothing helpful to say. Sending love, hoping things get better soon!
A gut Shabbos,
OivedElokim

I am a bochur with a passion for meaning and truth, searching to remain clean and live a holy and fulfilling life.

If you are reading this-you have a friend in me.
Feel free to PM me and I'll share my offline contact information, so we can call and text. I'd be honored if you'd trust me with your story and promise to support you in any way I possibly can.
I've been on GYE for over 7 years. "I may walk slow, but I never walk back" (-Abraham Lincoln?).
(For the background and meaning of my username- see Tanya chapter 15).

My current thread

Re: Make it to Yeshiva 03 Oct 2022 22:57 #386225

yeshivaguy
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Made it to Eretz Yisrael for the Yomim Tovim bh.
Had a tzad maybe the plane would crash or something since I’m not zoche…

Of course I got a pat down at security.
I then went to the bathroom where I was crying for awhile. Super horrible.
Made the flight.

I’m joining some mishpocha at a super intense place for Yom Kippur, not sure why or if I can handle it. Super duper litvish too..
But I stand by the decision for some reason.

Being in Eretz Yisrael feels like standing in front of Hashem mamash. Once we landed I was just forced to look Him in the eye…
A lot more to discuss.
I want to be clean. Not sure how I will be.
Either way I hope to not bug out and just focus on a general teshuva.

Managed to go to mikva Erev r”h. After the airport incident though I don’t think I can, especially since Eretz Yisrael mikvas tend to be more “heimesh.”
We’ll see, I feel bad since I have tumas keri, but on the other hand I risk destroying everything.

For some reason fam I’m at is having seminary girls for meals, idk why…
Also not excited to tell all my chareidi close family that I work, gonna be quite embarrassing. They always expected me to be this big talmid chacham…

Anyway, g’mar chasima tova! And if anyone knows of a private/less “heimesh” mikva around here please PM me.

YeshivaGuy

Last Edit: 03 Oct 2022 22:59 by yeshivaguy.

Re: Make it to Yeshiva 03 Oct 2022 23:09 #386226

committed_togrowth
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I am sure that Hashem returned your gaze with love and affection, and that He is happy is son is home. Regarding working, what could be more important that working to support the eventual beautiful family you will have? The career you will build will go towards making sure your kids can be educated and well fed, and that you can provide your wife and children security and comfort. I can think of few holier things than that. Wishing you a connected Yom Kippur and that you find yourself a bit of headspace and healing.

Last Edit: 03 Oct 2022 23:10 by committed_togrowth.

Re: Make it to Yeshiva 03 Oct 2022 23:33 #386227

vehkam
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YeshivaGuy wrote on 03 Oct 2022 22:57:

if you find the davening too intense, take a break. Keep in mind that depending on what you can handle, sometimes walking out of shul for a bit is a bigger mitzvah then staying in. Just the knowledge that you are not "stuck" in the davening should make it easier.
best wishes for a gmar chasima tova
vehkam

vehkam7@gmail.com

guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/375452-Work-in-progress

The Battle of the Generation by Hillel S. has been a huge help for me. Message me to find out how you can receive a free copy.

some of the experiences I write about may make it easier to identify me. This is ok. I trust that if anyone discovers my identity they will keep it to themselves. If you do realize that you know me, I am completely comfortable and welcome you acknowledging me and my struggle in person.

Re: Make it to Yeshiva 08 Oct 2022 22:57 #386374

yeshivaguy
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Being around so many Jews here in E”Y is soo difficult for Shmiras Eynayim.
Been having tons of taiva.
I especially feel a deep need to be with a woman, would love to start shidduchim already…

Had this talk with my sister about it, discussed what my “core values” are which kinda put me in an existential crisis of sorts since last Thursday…
Also my sis mentioned today that this girl she had thought of for me (who I have been pretty into) she doesn’t think is “what I’m looking for” so feeling bad, it’s funny though cuz I can’t marry the whole world…

Been pushing myself to do minyanim since y’k as it’s one of my two kabolos.
The other one is going back to my kosher phone in USA and using the iPhone as my laptop rather than having both a laptop and an iPhone…

I feel such a longing to explore and accomplish here in E”Y, to travel to all these places etc but yet I’m being held back from fear. Havent been back here since Yeshiva 3 years ago and so I’m looking for something but something internal holds me back…

Anyway, I hope to go do some research in a city tomorrow so that’s def tons of fun for me. Hope I can wake up early enough.

Also I’m still clean Baruch HaShem. Really need to be mechazeik in looking around on the streeets though, supermarkets etc as there’s a lot of young couples where I’m at…
Also, we’re having these seminary girls for every single meal. I got no idea what in GD’s name I’m gonna so (and obv one of them is the girl I liked sister)…

Last Edit: 08 Oct 2022 22:58 by yeshivaguy.

Re: Make it to Yeshiva 11 Oct 2022 17:40 #386403

jackthejew
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YeshivaGuy wrote on 08 Oct 2022 22:57:

Being around so many Jews here in E”Y is soo difficult for Shmiras Eynayim.
Been having tons of taiva.
I especially feel a deep need to be with a woman, would love to start shidduchim already…

I have also felt that being around Jews here in EY makes the struggle harder because it feels more accessable and possible that I can "make something out of it" C"V

Off the forum for now.
My Thread (Not for inspiration, but for random bits and pieces of my journey, as well as the inspiring responses of others: guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/375514-Enough-is-Enough
jackthejewgye@gmail.com
There are tips, tools, and techniques, but there are no shortcuts.

Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet! ~ Groucho Marx
Optimism is the madness of insisting that all is well when we are miserable.-Voltaire
You cannot escape the responsibility of tomorrow by evading it today.- Abraham Lincoln
If you don't know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.- Yogi Berra
"I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information." ~ Calvin

Re: Make it to Yeshiva 12 Oct 2022 06:03 #386415

yeshivaguy Current streak: 6 days OFFLINE Platinum Boarder Posts: 1493 Karma: 148	Up till like 4:30AM last night dealing with taiva.. Madterbated. didn’t watch porn though. Keeping the number thing for that.Going around to tons of gedoilim in Bnei brak today (got connections), I really didn’t wanna masterbate cuz then they’ll see it on my forehead… Now I gotta get goin to Bnei Brak exhausted and tamei… Gut moed I suppose

Re: Make it to Yeshiva 12 Oct 2022 19:43 #386433

committed_togrowth Current streak: 148 days OFFLINE Gold Boarder Posts: 245 Karma: 23	Hi Yeshivaguy I feel your pain, but please do not look at yourself as tamei! I don't even mean in the sense of tumas keri. You as a person are very very tahor and you are not walking around with a stain on yourself. When others look at you I am sure they see a very sweet and connected person trying their best to grow. Please try to look at yourself with that same compassion and understanding.

Re: Make it to Yeshiva 12 Oct 2022 23:19 #386437

eyes Current streak: 137 days OFFLINE Platinum Boarder Posts: 340 Karma: 30	HI YG, You are so lucky to be in EY. I wish I was there too. Its been 10+ since I have been there. You are not timeh, rather you are a holy Jew just like the rest of us. I am sure when you go to the gedolim they will only see the kedushah around you. Ask them for a bracha for a good shidduch and other things that you need EYEs

Re: Make it to Yeshiva 12 Oct 2022 23:33 #386440

yeshivaguy
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So I went to “the gedoilim.”
Broke 12 day porn free streak (porn means anything on internet, YouTube etc).

I made two kabbolos on YK. One of them will fix the prob hopefully.
I plan upon returning to the USA to go back to kosher phone and use filtered iPhone as my laptop.

Why? What does that fix?

Because even a filtered device (like in my case) have loopholes. If you’re always using it then odds are you’ll get bored and…
For this reason I made such a kabola.
Terrifying and reluctant to post here but am doing it because I really don’t think it will affect my job much, after all my own boss doesn’t have WhatsApp himself!!

Going to gedolai yisrael really makes me want to return to Yeshiva. I was going to ask R’ Gershon Edelstein today point blank if I should break my work contract and go back but didn’t have time, was rushed past him fast…

Tomorrow I’m giving a shiur in front of a lot of my uncles, family etc who are big talmidei chachamim, roshei kollelim, mashgichim etc so I gotta still figure out what I’m saying.
Trying to not have this get me down.

I just really wanted to not be nichshal again…

Gut Moed

Last Edit: 13 Oct 2022 06:27 by yeshivaguy.

Re: Make it to Yeshiva 16 Oct 2022 13:53 #386510

yeshivaguy
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Everyone was super impressed by my drasha bh. Guess I still got it…
Surprisingly got chizuk from a pretty Israeli chareidi uncle of mine in kollel all life about how it’s not bad to not be doing yeshiva full time since it’s ratzon Hashem.

Never would have expected that coming from him.

Shmiras eynayim here has really been difficult. The fam went to a modern uncle in a modern city here for shabbos which was super hard. His kids had tons of girls over fri night and throughout shabbos. And even though they’re just 9th graders, it conjures up memories of all I missed out on and didn’t do when I was that age.

It’s really a relationship that I want, just need a healthy way to direct all this.

Spent all night at the kotel bh. Spent all night did all of Sefer tehilim. Hadn’t done it before, was amazing and shachris was also great.
Even wrote a deep poem throughout the night as well.

But then heading back seeing all these women, b’kitzur was nichshul with porn when got back.
Definetly not the best way to spend Hoshana Rabba.
So I’m pretty bummed out. Also don’t have the time to go to mikva as it’s almost Yom Tov.

I can only hope and ask that the Creator may look at me and see I want to be pure and I don’t see a path before me. And so as Succos winds down, all I can say, with tears in my eyes gazing up to the heavens is הושעה נא הושיעה נא אבינו אתה

Re: Make it to Yeshiva 16 Oct 2022 14:12 #386511

frank.lee Current streak: 333 days OFFLINE Platinum Boarder Posts: 648 Karma: 19	Depends on where you are staying, but maybe you can go to the mikva before davening tomorrow. You are inspiring and amazing!! Keep fighting! IMHO it will get easier.