Shmerias eynayim over Shabbos, and chol hamoed is so so hard.
Heres the thing, I am aware and conscious of the fact that I’m objectifying women at the time, it’s just that beautiful faces, the bodies etc etc, and especially when certain chol hamoed wear is provocative (not like I needed to be provoked though, unfortunately…).

Ive seen for me, that a big trigger has been when we have a married couple over and the wife is kissing the baby, and being all “googly” with him/her, I just can’t handle it.
I see such love and emotion and I desire it so so much, and it’s hard…

So I have mostly been nichshal in such circumstances, though at the time I was very much aware that I was being nichshal and defaming Bnos Yisroel etc….

I just can’t handle it, these pure and innocent looking frum girls, who are so sweet and loving, and passing one and looking at each other directly in the eye…
I’m sure this has to do with my own feelings of past abandonment etc, but not for now…

Please respond with any thoughts, eitzos, or hadracha.

Thank You,

 YeshivaGuy

Disclaimer: I am just a regular guy not trained in dealing with people , and what I write below may very well be unhelpful gibberish. 

Hey sorry for your tough times …
you write about how you desire love and emotion , and until you iy’H get married you can’t really have a replacement for that .

Unless there is … they say that working with special needs children is incredibly rewarding , one reason is , andI’ve heard firsthand as well as witnessed this phenomenon (particularly with Down syndrome )
That they are extremely loving people they don’t know how not to be .

Maybe find a place to volunteer or even do something for pay ( bein hasdorim of course) perhaps that could fill the void for now .

i-man wrote on 27 Sep 2021 06:05:

I wrote you an email - it bounced back. Sorry.

YeshivaGuy wrote on 27 Sep 2021 05:36:

That type of stuff is a big trigger by me also. Raw emotion melts me like an ice cube in the Sahara desert. (In a good way too. I crave and yearn emotion a lot...)
I know you are going through therapy and that brings out a lot of stuff and emotion. (I used to think of it like taking care of an infected wound. First you gotta cut it back open then you gotta clean it out and only then can you start stitching it back up. During the cutting and cleaning its really really painful cuz there's no anesthesia over here).
When I am going through emotional turmoil I need to give myself a little more leeway. During these times I get triggered by emotional (or mushy) stuff and at the same time can be completely numb (and even repulsed) by provocative stuff. That is when I tell myself, 'Hey take it easy, you are going through a rough time now. Don't be so hard on yourself'
BTW I am married and my wife doesn't quench this aspect of the emotional craziness. This is not something all wives can do, nor are they supposed to do. She may be able to sometimes, and maybe not...
Wives don't solve all your problems. This is one of the things I went to therapy for, there is an emotional void in my life. My wife can't usually help me with that.
This is MY experience so take it or leave it...
Hatzlacha!

I just can’t do it guys.
Just found out our guests for tonight, will be a pretty girl my age and some couples with very pretty and attractive wives.
I can’t do it I just cant, I can’t handle this. I don’t know what HaShem expects from me, I really don’t.
In a way it’s just annoying, all this taiva, drives me nuts.
Like yesterday went on a trip with the family and I couldn’t fully enjoy it cuz I was constantly examining womens breasts,skirts etc.
I don’t know if I’m sick in the head,  normal, or both, but I just can’t do this…

My parents wanted me home for Smichas torah, and I’m positive there will be taaroves (like kidush in the succa with mixing, though I always avoide).
It would be a big darga if even my Yetzer Hara was excited for the Torah, but it seems the excitement it’s conjuring up is for something else…

How are you doing?

The notion that we must always succeed actually turns us into easy prey for our Yetzer Hara. He uses our good qualities, such as our constant yearning for perfection, and he turns it against us by trying to get us to feel down when we experience a fall! In this struggle, it is never “all or nothing”. When an army goes out to battle, do they always win? Are there never casualties? People injured? The Pasuk says: “There is no Tzadik on earth who does only good and never sins” (Koheles 7:20).

Rav Hutner once wrote a letter to a Bochur who was despondent over his personal spiritual failures. In the letter, Rav Hutner explains that what makes life meaningful is not basking in the exclusive company of one's Yetzer Tov, but rather the dynamic struggle of one's battle with the Yetzer Hara. Shlomo Hamelech's maxim that "Seven times does the righteous one fall and get up" (Mishlei, 24:16), continues Rav Hutner, does not mean that "even after falling seven times, the righteous one manages to gets up again." What it really means, he explains, is that it is only and precisely through repeated falls that a person truly achieves righteousness. The struggles – even the failures – are inherent elements of what can, with determination and perseverance, become an ultimate victory.

Rabboisai, 
I just passed a massive nisayon. One that I put myself in though… I’d I would not have done what I done, it would’ve had sever long lasting repercussions…
Yes I did masterbate, but it led me to take this massive leap forward.

I can’t beleive I almost made such a horrible mistake and I can’t beleive I reversed it before it was too late.

L’Mashal: I almost drove off a cliff that would’ve killed me.
Instead I veered to the left and smashed into a building. I broke both of my legs and sprained my arm, but at least I’m not dead.

Gn

I have a lot of taiva to do a certain issur. It has to do with the deep hole in my heart which longs to be filled with love, a true relationship, and I wish to just satisfy myself a little bit to ease the pain…

Last Thursday night I reversed what I had done before it was too late, and now I desire to go back down the “rabbit hole” and not come up.
At this point, do to many issues which I’m dealing with in therapy, I feel great anger and resentment towards GD…

Holding back doesn’t have (at least consciously) to do with GD. I just know it won’t give me lasting pleasure but rather much guilt, will make me upset, unable to look people in the eye, and when I return soon to Yeshiva it will be absolute hell to depart.

The same goes for using unfiltered internet for shmutz.

With much pain, anger, and anguish,

 YeshivaGuy 

22 days clean from watching bad stuff.
Not working on masterbating until I return to yeshiva where there’s no nternet access.
Feeling horrible as usual.

Have a decent day

Just watched a tv series for like 9 hours straight…
I haven’t really  watched tv in like 7 years, so was my first time and binged…
There were two people who liked each other, dated and ended up getting married etc.

It wasn’t inappropriate as far as looks, though the women were immodest, I’m saying there were no sex/kissing scenes or anything like that.
And the more immodest parts I mamash fast forwarded.
it was just seeing two people together who loved each other, Since I am so desperate for love, I just couldn’t stop watching it as it just felt so good…
It was seeing a man and a woman hold hands and smile at each other, that drew me in…

Now, sitting on my couch at 2AM with my head throbbing from watching tv for 9 hours, I just feel alone.
I yearn for the love that I saw. I hope one day, after dealing with all my problems, I may merit to enjoy love. As now, feeling love from my parents etc causes me pain…
Feels like I’m a crying child who’s been crying for over 15 years with no one to love me and support me…

What you're feeling is very normal and I can say that I've also felt this way after watching something more romance oriented.

The entertainment industry knows how to masterfully pull at a person's emotions. You've just experienced the full 'pull' and upon re-entering the real world it leaves you with an empty and lonely feeling, perhaps even exacerbating already negative feelings inside of you.

My consolation to you is that this 'after-taste' does go away after a while. Therefore my recommendation would be not to worry too much about it.

anonymousmillenial wrote on 04 Oct 2021 10:57:

Thank you so much for saying this, it means a lot.
Cuz it feels scary, I’ve never felt this before and didn’t know whether this is normal feelings to have.
I guess it’s the feeling after movies/tv, I just haven’t done it in so so long, (like I’m almost 23 and not since like 15) and now I’m in no rush to do it again…

Thats fiction for you. Even people in relationships feel the same way, because real life doesnt match up the carefully cut up and framed image of a fictional relationship or life. I used to feel like that reading anything, not just form romance

YeshivaGuy wrote on 04 Oct 2021 06:00:

Hi holy yeshiva guy. I can relate to that. I would read something about two people in love and it would give me such a good feeling, plus a crazy yearning for such love. For someone in your situation, it's probably agony. Kol Hakavod for tackling your issues head-on, and IYH very soon you'll see the fruits of your hard work. I do want to echo the sentiment that other people stated, that these TV shows are totally sheker, and that real life is way different than it's portrayed by Hollywood. I wish that my view of love didn't get so distorted from entertainment. It helped me a lot to have a Rebbi with real wisdom explain to me what real love and what a marriage is supposed to look like. Even that didn't do justice.