I’m writing this to get it off my chest and if I speak to my in person friends about it, it may be lashon hara.

Theres a family I know. Everything seems perfect with them. They have money, the father is a big talmid Chacham, the mother is wise/choshuv, they have a nice house, they have yichus and all the connections.

And me? I’m just a guy. Another bobbing head in the Beis Medrash.

They have many children and every time one of them goes into shidduchim they get married right away. 
Its always a Mazel Tov by them, always a Simcha.
And when I speak to their father he talks about bitachon making it all sound easy.

Their son a year older than me now just got engaged after dating for 2 seconds. Seems like it’s just cuz of their last name.

Now, why does this bother me?
Because I am jealous. I don’t think they deserve to be treated so choshuv and have it so easy.
I also feel that I deserve better, an easier life than the one I have.
I know these thoughts are wrong. Which is why I ask you, dear chevra, to set me straight.

In short, I need Rosh Hashana, to focus on being Mamlich the Boreh and accepting the life HE has prescribed for me.

YeshivaGuy

PS. I ask HaShem that this not be an Ayin Hara for their family. I know and recognize that everyone has problems even if not apparent to an outsider. I know that they have the life they need for their tachlis and I have mine.
I only bring this up so I may gain the needed eitza so I can try altering my view of this before Rosh Hashana.

Thanks

Kesiva vChasima Tova to all of you my dearest friends.
Guy Yur!

YeshivaGuy

Bh was very good with Shmiras Eynayim over RH. Took off glasses when walked by women and closed my eyes when walked by an angle where could see ezras nashim.

Now got taiva, I knew this would happen. Took good amount of melatonin, gotta fall asleep and start anew tomoro.
Gn chevra

You rock, YG

I've always wondered why mosdos can't get their act together to avoid making R"H one of the most difficult days of the year in terms of shmiras anayim - It's so backwards and counterintuitive : (

​In Grodno, women stay at home ; )

IMG

On that note...
Tashlich used to be that way for me.
I started going to places farther away and during aseres yemei teshuva (not on Rosh Hashana) for that reason

My friends made my phone more kosher-blocking last remnants of bad zachen.
But now I see there’s a new mahalach (accidentally made by them) now shayach that I can go on YouTube..
it’s poshut a nisayon from HaShem it’s just so hard

Texted my friend in room next door, he came by and helped me delete it…

Gn

Now back in bed and checked again and found one more app that I can use for YouTube and can’t delete it (like I did to 2 others with my friend).

Feels like I’m getting zero schar etc cuz I don’t have big taiva now so might as well go on YouTube and get taiva going so I’ll get schar for holding back.

Crumb sevara…
May this be a Kapora and show HaShem that I actually wanna get better.

Gn

I was matzliach last night, and I think it’s still choshuv even though I didn’t feel active taiva (just curiosity and a feeling to get “fired up” so could be misgaber).

Gotta get my friend to change one thing that he altered last night so this won’t be shayach.

Was just nichshal…
Got my friend to fix the prob he made.

Good Shabbos

People only see 2% of my life, they have no idea what’s taking place within me.
I as well am not 100% cognizant of what is changing within, but it’s profound and monumental.
Therapy has opened deep wounds and has made things difficult, but I know these are necessary steps towards becoming a fully functioning and healthy person, talmid chacham, and bezras Hashem, Husband and Father.

Tides rise and fall, but the boat that I’m on will surely not sink.

Gn,

YeshivaGuy

Tonight I read through a lot of an older thread.
I watched the journey of a guy from engagement until divorce two years later.
Very tragic and heartbreaking…

I know some guys in Yeshiva who struggle immensely, some even compulsively, with porn.
Many just accept it as an issue and carry on with life.
This makes me wonder, maybe it’s not such a big deal? Maybe these GYE horror stories are the exception?
Like, could it really be that all these guys will have horrible marriages?
Or, maybe indeed, if these guys stay the course they’re on, a life of great pain and anguish awaits them.
Not sure.

I am very proud of my growth, don’t get me wrong. I just wonder how vital it is for me to be dealing with these inyanim now.
I ask this not because I have a tzad to stop working on Inyanei Kedusha. But rather so I may appreciate the importance of what I’m doing, thereby helping me to advance further, bezras Hashem.

Thank You,

YeshivaGuy

HaRav YG Shlit"a,

I was "happily married" for many years - with porn on the side.

(I still cannot believe it, but) B"H I am now (married to the same woman, and)  296 days porn free.

Comparing these 2 worlds is like comparing taking a walk in Brownsville at 2 AM (with a shady guy in your tracks) to experiencing a glorious hike in the Golan Heights with your best friend...Like, legit zero shaychus.

Nahr ah he'ara foon Grodno ~ IMG

"I know some guys in Yeshiva who struggle immensely, some even compulsively, with porn.
Many just accept it as an issue and carry on with life.
This makes me wonder, maybe it’s not such a big deal? Maybe these GYE horror stories are the exception?
Like, could it really be that all these guys will have horrible marriages?
Or, maybe indeed, if these guys stay the course they’re on, a life of great pain and anguish awaits them.
Not sure."

This may seem harsh but I'll say it anyways
Who cares about others they could have a million and two differences from your situation. If you feel you need to work work if not so wait