I brought the iPhone to Yeshiva cuz had anxiety about therapy and thought needed it.

When I realized my mistake it was too late.



I just watched not good vids on YouTube and touched myself.



The scariest thing, which makes me wanna throw up, is that I lost a lot of sensitivity to the stuff on YouTube.

And I am petrified of someday chalila going on a porn site…



I am shaking but will not masterbate.

I will not express my guilt and frustration through Masterbating.

I betrayed HaShem once, and I will show him now that my heart lies with Him.

Let this show my beloved, the Ribono Shel Olam, that even when I fall I hold on to Him.

I will hold on.

Forever.



(I will pay $100 to HHM if I masterbate tonight.)



The fragile,



YeshivaGuy

dovidfg wrote on 03 Sep 2021 01:05:

Seems just like kochos hatuma to me. Slitting your wrist and then bandaging yourself up isn’t so choshuv.
Same here.

YeshivaGuy wrote on 03 Sep 2021 01:07:

Lol YG your twisting the truth …Thekochos hatuma are trying to pull you down and yes you might have gotten a little cut up, but ultimately your Kochis Hanefesh won…

call it what you want  ,regardless we like you and admire you .

Just did the classic “checking to see if I still have the taiva to masterbate”
And indeed I do… 
Gn chevra

the.guard wrote on 03 Sep 2021 08:28:

Unsure of the deep kabalistic message you’re conveying. I daven to be zoche to chap.

It was very difficult, but I successfully did not masterbate last night.
Now I have a choice whether or not to go to shachris. Thinking I just might go. I just can’t stay away from HaShem Yisborach.

GO!!

Baruch HaShem, with much encouragement from my dearest friend and role model, HHM, I went to shachris.
It was the first time in many months that I had kavana during shachris. Such a tremendous brocha.

The Yeshiva has regular seder on fridays, but I’m not down for that. Was gonna learn Pachad Yitzchak in my room, but pretty tired.

Lay in bed and big taiva to masterbate. Touched myself a shtikl and I know if I stay here in my bed and play this game I’ll end up falling.

I think I’m gonna go chap some food from DD and go on a hike.

Chow

Hi YG,
I am speaking to you as well as myself.

I get when you write that you really want to release some sexual pent up energy.

Many times you write you are going to DD to get yourself a bite.

It may release the energy by eating some donuts, I feel and please correct me if I am wrong, but you are going from obsession to obsession.

There is something called addiction.
Addiction could be anything, it includes

Sex
Food
Alcohol
and others

So you write often that you are going to DD to get some food. I feel that it is another addiction.

I am also having it hard a bit. I dont know why, but I also have desires now.
These days I BH do 4 days 30-40 minutes of exercises. Besides for the health benefits that it gives me, it also gives me more self esteem, makes me feel put together as I am trying to look in shape. I used to be over weight, I BH lost the weight. Now I feel so good when I am done. You are getting rid of the sexual energy but lifting some weights. It is hard to lift weight and it takes a lot of perseverance.

GS

Eyes 

eyes wrote on 03 Sep 2021 16:51:

Thank you very much for taking the time to write your very caring and thoughtful post.

I don’t like the coffee in Yeshiva, so if I’m down I’ll get an ice coffee with espresso at DD, I don’t see that as an addiction, obsession, or a problem.

My therapist advised me b’feirush to find things that I enjoy that I can have/do when feeling down, and my coffee intake, especially for a yeshiva buchar, is very low.

In addition, I’ve been going on walks/hikes at local trails here to get some fresh air, as Yeshiva can feel, especially in Elul, suffocating at times.

Today I got a coffee with a tuna bagel and a donut.
The lunch on Fridays in Yeshiva is shver anyway…
Its not like I’m going to DD and compulsively consuming a dozen donuts.

As far as losing weight, Baruch HaShem in the last few months I’ve lost 30 pounds and bezras Hashem hope to continue.

Thanks again,

YeshivaGuy

Gut vuch,

Over Shabbos I was thinking about this past year.
And I’ve come to a conclusion.
It is clear to me that I am human.

It was a hard year, really a hard tumultuous journey.
Last Rosh Hashana I remember davening to HaShem asking for a year of Mesirus Nefesh, for help being Moser Nefesh l’maan HaShem.
And it seems that’s what I got.

I went through bad depression,self doubt, resurfacing of past traumas, nichshal in inyanei Kedusha etc etc.
And nonetheless, I see myself as having grown.

I am truly a different person now then I was last year.
My mind has been, to a large extent, rewired.
I am now a person with bechira, and a Yetzer hara, rather then a disordered “bilbul” of emotions-driven by any feeling that arises.
I feel human, like I’m in control. Now sometimes I choose bad, but it’s my choice, I’m no longer mindlessly being led to the slaughter by the Yetzer.

And I must say, that GYE is what has enabled me to undergo such a transformation

I still make stupid decisions, and am nichshal at times.
But I have become an elevated person, no shaila.

I want to personally thank, from the depths of my heart, all of you, my dearest friends, role models, and mentors for guiding me, and helping to insure that I not go on a porn site (which was the initial point of this thread, as when I initially joined I was close to doing it for the first time chalila).

I would go through at least 15 people by name, but I worry I may leave one out by mistake, so I won’t.

I will single out though, HaShem Help Me, to whom I owe my life to.
I don’t see how my time on GYE would’ve led to success without his constant caring eitza, mussar, and hadracha.
I know he wouldn’t want me to sing all his praises here so I won’t…

Thanks again guys, it has been a journey of a lifetime, and it is my greatest zechus to have spent the year תשפ״א with all of you.

Thank you all again, so so much.

YeshivaGuy

Please daven for a year of true simcha and menuchas hanefesh. It seems like you got what you prayed for last year.

lionking wrote on 05 Sep 2021 04:57:

Agreed! And daven for all of us too, your teffilos are powerful.

Something that my Rebbe told me was to daven for what you want, not for what you think you should want. My Rosh Yeshiva told me that the most important thing in life is menuchas hanefesh, without that, you will not be able to accomplish your avodas Hashem properly. So among other details, I daven very hard for menuchas hanefesh.

זאלסט אויספולין אלעס גיטס
and have a year of ברכה והצלחה