Grant400 wrote on 04 Sep 2020 04:39:

This is making me cry...



Still crying....




So real, so true.

You know Grant, I don't know if I've ever met (communicated?) with someone quite like you.

You have a fantastic sense of humour. You can dish out chizuk and support at all times. You can enter the deep discussions that sometimes take place on the forums, and be completely at home. And you write beautifully and elegantly (especially the poetry). Intellectual, supportive, funny, and wise. Truly a man of all trades.

I just really want to get the message across how incredible you are. One soul to another. I don't know you. But I know that you are one of the finest generals in the GYE army. A pillar of our community, and an individual who makes Hashem really, really proud. And, honestly, that's the biggest compliment I can give you.

Get right back up and continue to make a difference. To paraphrase that which you've said in the past, we're here for your successes, and here for your failures. I know the rest of GYE feels the same way.

Thank you Grant. Just thank you. Have a great Shabbos. May Hashem shower you with all the blessings in the world.

Hi Grant,
I feel your pain my fellow soldier. Let me just give you a few ideas that i got along the way. 
1. I blocked my app store. And it cant be unblocked only if i go to a physical location. That helped me tremendously. 
2. Regarding losing the battle but not the war just yet. For me its always been clear that this war will never be lost, because we are fighting for Hashem, on His side, for His light. And He always wins...... The question is how instrumental we were and how much fight we put into this war. 
You are an amazing child of the light. Once we see the light we cant go back into darkness. We may have our sights blocked fror a short moment, but we always go back to the light. 
We come from the highest most spiritual origins possible. Its beyond comprehension how high our souls origins are from. We come from a place of pure spiritual pleasure and we yearn to go back their to become one with the light. 

​Have a wonderful Shabbos. 

Okay, so after my fall when I mistakenly  bumped into inappropriate images on a basic app I started using for business purposes, I uninstalled it and blocked it. The problem is I really need access to it, so I was thinking about what to do and today I decided to install a filter on my browser instead of having apps only which isn't possible to filter.

The problem is that it doesn't filter every single thing. Its practically impossible. But there are literally nude pictures popping up in different places. Also the fact that I know it's there is too hard. Today I spent time browsing under the guise of checking if the filter works properly. Which I had to do but.....I did it really really well...so well.

So my question is. Is there anything more I can do that will prevent me from viewing those images? Like is webchaver able to see every click even on a site already? Or should I change my business plans?

Also I am publicly mekabel that the next time I mess up my streak I will donate $500 to tzedaka. Please hold me accountable.

I'm just feeling frustrated and lost. I mistakenly bumped into things I made such an effort to remove from myself and I crumbled like stale bread. I feel horrible, tainted, unfaithful and very angry at myself.

 It also reminded me how delicious and delightful lust is...now I'm having a much harder time with basic shmiras einayim in the street. Oish! During elul!

Arrrrrrrrhhhhhh!!!!!

                                  Grant

Grant400 wrote on 06 Sep 2020 20:50:

If the first line is a result of the second, not sure it will take you to where you want to go.

Kabalos like that can be helpful when they are part of a well thought out plan. Here it seems like you are using one as a self soothing tool.

Give it some time, you got this, you are not crumbling because of one or two falls. The first few days are rough, but get back in there and keep fighting, it won't be rough forever.

Set aside some time every day, (when you are not struggling), to review all the things you learned about yourself the first time around.

No monkey business here, we want to see those days climbing.

There are so many great people here, reach out to someone if you haven't yet.

Most importantly, don't panic, gam ze yaavor. 

See ya on the other side.

Wilnevergiveup

Thank you. Great idea to have a specific time every day to review everything. So I'd like to start implementing it like this. Every time I finish shemona esrei I will bli neder review the main points in my head.

I will iyh compile a list in a few short sentences to be reviewed. Thank you for the chizuk willnevergiveup. I will never give up.

                                  Grant 

Grant, I'm a yeshiva bachur. I know nothing of the world of business. But unless you work as a prostitute, I don't see why you need apps with nudity on them!

But seriously, I've surfed the internet for years - you don't tend to see nudes unless your looking for them. (Save this one really dodgy hacker site I went on that had a nude add, but never have I seen a nude other than that in an add not on a porn site.) On the flip side, I commend you on removing this app and blocking it - that takes some strength! Bit more of that and you'll be on your feet in no time.

As for webchaver - no it doesn't. Often, at least for me, it won't pick up any site that isn't explicitly a porn site, even if it has full nudity. I mean, it may screen shot it and list it in the list of random screen shots, but it doesn't seem to list them in the suspicious section. So that may not be what you're looking for. Maybe look for other filters and options.

This is really the hardest test. When we've already fallen, and we think 'so what if I see a bit more? And I've already ruined Elul etc etc.' I struggle with it every time I fall. I suppose it just takes willpower. Something we all know you possess truckloads of. So once you put a couple of days streak between you and this fall you'll find you have your fighting spirit back. 

Grant. Be the man your dog thinks you are! (Saw this once. Don't have a dog, but its the priniciple.)

It's a common site but it doesn't just pop up. It bases suggestions off of what it thinks links your searches to their offers. When in actuality it isn't related to what I was looking at. I understand their connection if I wasn't Jewish.

My problem isn't that I'm going to  search for inappropriate material, it's just that when I am ambushed buy it unexpectedly then I can linger unfortunately, and it reignites my lust even if I've kept it in check for a long time.

What I've been dealing with is feelings of guilt and trying to improve the situation so it doesn't pop up happen again. I'm definitely not going to search for it specifically.

I'm over it and stronger than before, because it forced me to review all the things I haven't reviewed in a while and to prepare for any and all ambushes so I will never be caught off guard.

Thank you guys for all the support and chizuk.
Watch my count as it starts to grow again.

                               Grant

Hi Grant,
How you holding up? 
I think the most basic thing is to get the strongest filters possible. Until i was able to do that, i was getting nowhere. Now, i have Nativ USA for my desktops and gentech for my mobile devices. 
They are all on whitelists so i can access anything......
Even, when i ask them to add something to my list of approved sites, i make sure its with filtered images unless im 100% sure its a kosher site. 
I believe getting a good webchaver could be a huge help, you need to find someone who will actually look thru the full report so you will be embarrassed to even access any questionable sites. 

Be Strong!

Grant400 wrote on 07 Sep 2020 20:47:

Sorry for being a bit harsh earlier. I figured you were kind of 'by mistake on purpose' stumbling across shmutz, not genuinely accidentally. But you seem like you're really trying (and succeeding) in doing better. So apologies again, and keep up the incredible work you always do.

Looking forward to seeing those numbers rise.

Thanks for asking. Bh I'm doing wonderful. I always,  always have filters. Now I installed a much better one and I'm confident it will prevent accidentally bumping into things.

The TAG (Technology Awareness Group) sends out a weekly email. Besides divrei Torah they feature a weekly story. I found this weeks particularly beautiful. I'd like to share it with you guys. 

I was sitting in my office, doing my shift of TAG services, when a woman came in to put a strong filter on her phone. She wanted a white list with no browsing capabilities beyond the sites on her list. While her list of allowed sites was very long and inclusive, she nevertheless went for the white-list filter.
Two weeks later, she was back, requesting that I close certain apps. This occurred repeatedly, with her returning and asking me to remove different apps, blocking Facebook, Instagram and the like. Eventually, she showed up and asked me to block WhatsApp. By that time, several weeks after her first visit, her phone only had a few basic capabilities, such as email and banking; the rest was blocked. Curious as to what had inspired this movement toward more and more protection, I gently asked her if she would share. This is her story.
I have a son who was a good solid boy; he took life pretty seriously and was a good kid at home and in yeshiva. Unfortunately, somewhere along the way, he fell in with a chevra that was really pulling him down. Besides the nonsense they were busy with, they also convinced him that if he was going to be one of them, he had to have a phone like theirs. He caved in, and that started a period of a few months of his life that I would rather not think about. Eventually he came to a point where he realized what was happening to him, and somehow, I don't even know myself how, he began to turn around. At the end of that year, he graduated yeshiva ketana, chose a very serious yeshiva gedola, and took off. He immersed himself in learning and growing, turning his past into a nightmare that he has proven to us we can forget.
A few nights after he left home to the dorm in his new yeshiva, I was walking around in a daze, thinking back about the roller coaster we had been through with him. I blinked back my tears as I hoped and davened that he would be matzliach in his new direction. Aimlessly, I strolled into his room and sat down on his bed. As my hand grazed the edge of his mattress, I felt it brush against something hard tucked underneath. I pulled it out, and found in my hand his old iPhone. My hands trembled as I took a closer look. Written on the smashed-in screen in permanent marker were the words: “wasn't today great without me, why not tomorrow too.”
I must have used up all of my tears as I thought of my son bravely and courageously rising above that which was so close to finishing him off. Rising from his bed, it dawned on me that, while I am not “at risk,” my own phone habits aren't anything to be proud of at all. I actually have a lot to be ashamed of as far as what I myself do with my phone. The next morning found me in TAG, as I began my own crusade to lift myself back up. I know in my heart that a Yiddishe mamme has no business viewing or participating in the things I was doing on my phone. I began my purge, stretching myself to the limit. Whenever I thought I would snap from the pressure my friends were putting on me not to do this, I would go back to my son’s bed, pull out that phone, and fill myself up with all the courage I needed to face the world.

          Submitted by a TAG coordinator. 

beautiful! 

Thats beautiful.  Thanks for sharing that. 

This should be publicized in every frum magazine!